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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! 👋

Prepare your undercarriage swabs: It's gonna be a hot 'n' hazy day with the temperature stretching up to a sweltering 94 degrees, before calming the fuck down into the 80s this weekend. Now let's swab the undercarriage of some NEWS.

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• OMIGOD, THIS IS SO FREAKING DELICIOUS (and infuriating): Mayoral wannabe and commissioner Rene Gonzalez has royally screwed up again, after getting caught spending $6,400 of taxpayer money trying to scrub his fuck-ups from his personal Wikipedia page. 😂😡 Gonzalez hired a company using your money to make eight suggested changes to his Wiki page, and while a few tweaks were okayed by an editor, they soundly rejected this one (from the Oregonian): "The commissioner was also unsuccessful in his request to remove a reference to a Portland Mercury column that disclosed how Gonzalez tagged a member of the right-wing group Patriot Prayer in a Twitter post thanking supporters after his race for City Council in 2022." (Portland Mercury? Never heard of 'em.) Hey... who knows? Maybe somebody at Wikipedia will reference this article where I say, "GIVE US BACK OUR $6,400, WEIRDO!"

• You know... on second thought, I'm not quite done with Gonzalez yet. While $6,400 might not seem like a lot in comparison to what we regularly dole out to the Portland Police, the fact that a sitting commissioner and mayoral candidate felt entitled enough to take this money without permission in an attempt to a) avoid responsibility for the bullshit he regularly commits, and b) use our tax dollars to help him become mayor (that's what your rich benefactors are for, bitch) is completely outrageous, unconscionable, and unfortunately RIGHT ON BRAND. And this little example of thievery is only what we know about. If only there was a city auditor (whom I adore) that could take a deeper look into what Gonzalez has been spending our money on... who knows what they might find?

• Umm... you think your boss is bad? Check out this story from our Taylor Griggs, which documents how unionized production staff at KOIN TV say they have been left hanging for years because the company's owners, Nexstar, refuses to return to the bargaining table—even after being ordered to by a federal judge! Staff also claim they’ve been working without a current labor contract since 2017 (!!), and despite increased cost of living, they've only received one 1.5 percent raise in seven years. (And that's not to mention the constant managerial attempts at union-busting.) Psst... it's still okay to complain about your boss.

• In FIRE news: Beloved Portland restaurant Caffe Mingo and its next door bar, Bar Mingo, on NW 21st have closed indefinitely after a fire caused major damage to the establishments. No one was injured and it's unclear when the businesses will reopen. Meanwhile, 34 wildfires continue to rage across Oregon, destroying 1.3 million acres so far and the end is currently not in sight. So there's a reason why Portland awoke to hazy skies this morning and the state has issued an Air Quality Advisory for the region until 8 pm tonight.

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• Even more delicious news: Trump is reportedly fuming over Kamala Harris' rising poll numbers and the excitement surrounding her campaign, as his minions struggle to find something... anything... to slow her meteoric ascent. As his major donors and allies are registering their concerns with the former prez, he was reportedly overheard telling a pal on the phone, “It’s unfair that I beat him and now I have to beat her, too.” HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA! Poor baby.

• An upcoming Taylor Swift "Eras Tour" concert in Vienna was cancelled after authorities foiled a plot to commit mass murder at the event with "explosives and knives." The prime suspect, a 19-year-old Austrian, confessed to having explosive devices in his home, while another suspect was discovered with ISIS and Al Qaeda materials in his possession.

• In news that cannot be pleasing to Christian Nationalists: Abortions are on the rise, and are surpassing the number performed before Roe v. Wade was tanked by the Supreme Court. This is in part due to providers being able to prescribe abortion medications via telehealth, bypassing the strict, draconian rules put in place by many Republican-led states.

• Tropical Storm Debby (downgraded from a hurricane) continues to cause extensive damage as it cruises through North Carolina, killing six so far and spawning floods and a tornado that has damaged homes and a school in the area.

• And finally... Mayor Wheeler should use his last act in office to order 635,000 of these.