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GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND!👋

After hitting an astonishing 80 DEGREES (!!) yesterday, followed by the threat (if not realization) of severe thunderstorms, things are returning to what one might call "normal" today, with sopping wet, rainy weather and temps hitting a much more reasonable 58 degrees. Note: I absolutely realize that there's no such thing as "normal" anymore, which is good for me, because I have NEVER been "normal." And now? Here's some abnormal (which is to say "normal") NEWS!

IN LOCAL NEWS:

• In yet another example of King Fool punishing Americans (including sooooo many of his own voters), according to the Oregon Food Bank, the Trump administration has hit the brakes on millions of dollars worth of much-needed food deliveries in the state and across the country. Currently, our state's food bank receives about 45 truckloads of emergency food supplies per month, included milk, frozen chicken, fruit, and vegetables, but Trump is ordering the feds to cut that back to only 30 deliveries per month—even though there was not enough food to feed impoverished Oregonians in the first place. Once again, it's up to Oregonians to take care of Oregonians.

 

Bed bugs. Mold. Overflowing garbage. They're just a few of the issues that highlight potential systemic problems in Portland’s affordable and transitional housing landscape, where low-income tenants often find themselves with few options and little recourse. www.portlandmercury.com/news/2025/03...

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— Portland Mercury (@portlandmercury.com) March 25, 2025 at 8:33 AM

 

• Meanwhile, in response to King Fool's recent executive order to screw around with the nation's elections, Oregon officials are pushing back hard against Trump's idea to alter the deadlines for mail-in voting. Currently Oregonians ballots must be postmarked by election day, and be received within seven days to be counted—however, President Jiminy Glick is ordering that ballots must be received and counted by election day. Oregon officials, including Governor Tina Kotek and Secretary of State Tobias Read, are once again saying "Unh-unh-UNH, actually, the state of Oregon decides what we will and won't do, and once again, we'll see your droopy orange ass in court." (You get that I'm paraphrasing here, right? K!)

• Good labor news: The local chapter of the American Association of University Professors have reached a tentative agreement on a new contract with Portland State University (PSU). Previously those at the bargaining table had reached an impasse after PSU laid off 17 academic faculty members due to an $18 million budget deficit, even though an independent auditor said that the university was in much better financial shape than their internal analysis suggested. In any case, union members still have to vote to ratify the new agreement, so a strike still isn't out of the question—but this is definitely a positive step forward.

• The last of one of your mom's favorite retail stores, Kohl's, is set to close up shop forever this Saturday. The Kohl's in the Gateway Shopping Center at 10010 NE Halsey will be joining 23 more Kohl's across the nation in shutting down, after managers declared that the stores were "underperforming." Look, I feel sorry for your mom... but what am I gonna do with all this excess Kohl's Cash lying around?!

• Who wants to watch a horror movie about unicorns brutally murdering rich people? 🙋 Well, before you do, make sure to read this very fun and smart film review of Death of a Unicorn from HR Smith, which gives the full scoop—along with some very sharp observations about how everyone expects Gen Z to solve our problems! (Psst... my teenage daughter is Gen Z, and she can't even make her own quesadilla. Sorry to disappoint you, world!)

Hear in Portland coming at you with that good info, tellin' us all about the old skool hip-hop, neo-soul, and indie heading our way! Hit that link below to find out more 🌷

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— Portland Mercury (@portlandmercury.com) March 26, 2025 at 11:53 AM

IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:

• Taking a page out of Vice President Elon Musk's book, crackpot anti-vaxxer (and baby bear kidnapper) Robert F. Kennedy Jr is making sweeping cuts to the Health and Human Services (HHS) workforce, announcing the firing of 10,000 employees. The HHS includes such agencies as the CDC and NIH, but will primarily target the Food and Drug Administration, and create a new Frankenstein monster of an agency called the "Administration for a Healthy America." (VOMIT. Wonder how the parents of children dying from the resurgence of measles are going to like that name?) 

 

Trump administration officials and allies are fuming over the “stupid” handling of the Signal chat scandal.

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— Politico (@politico.com) March 26, 2025 at 9:02 AM

 

• In other King Fool news: Trump has made another bullshit announcement (that he'll probably walk back within 48 hours) ordering a 25 percent tariff on all auto imports—which most experts agree will drive prices up in America, hurt Trump-voting states in particular, and lower sales for dealerships. And lo and behold? Stock prices for American automakers General Motors, Ford, Jeep, and Chrysler tumbled today in response. (Here's your regular reminder to trade in your Tesla for a different, less repulsive EV, and return that junker of a Cybertruck... which is falling apart anyway.)

• A Turkish national who attends Tufts’ doctoral program with a valid student visa, Rumeysa Ozturk, has been snatched off the street in Massachusetts by black-clad DHS agents who identified themselves as police, according to newly released video. The arrest is in apparent response to an opinion piece she wrote for the student newspaper that called for the university to divest from companies that support what she rightly called "the Palestinian genocide." While no criminal charges have been filed, the agents refused to let Ozturk contact her attorney for 24 hours, and she is currently being held in a Louisiana detention center.

 

NEW: A doctoral student at the University of Alabama has been arrested and detained by ICE, as the Trump administration continues to target non-U.S. citizens in higher education.

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— NBC News (@nbcnews.com) March 27, 2025 at 6:01 AM

 

• Six are dead and nine others were injured in a tourist submarine accident in the Egyptian Red Sea. Forty-five tourists were aboard the vessel which sank about a half-mile off shore, and thus far, no reasons have been given for the accident.

• And finally... it's time to lay your bets for the most exciting competition you'll see all day. So who you got? TUNA CAN OR ONION??

@thetreadmillguy

I was on the EDGE of my seat for this whole video 💀😱😂

♬ original sound - TreadmillGuy