It's become a time-honored holiday tradition. An astounding number of readers write in asking, "Wm. Steven Humphrey! When are you going to reprint your 'Unfuckwithable Rules of the White Elephant Gift Exchange'?"

The following rules are the way our office does it, and you can adapt these rules if you wish... but then they would be "fuckwithable" and not "unfuckwithable." Make a wise decision. HOWEVER! Please note that we have added an addendum to one of the rules, which makes this thing twice as unfuckwithable as before. BEHOLD.

"Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's Three Unfuckwithable Rules of the White Elephant Gift Exchange."

1) Everyone brings a wrapped present (worth at least $5, but should be more) and places it in the pile. Count the presents, and put corresponding numbers (one through whatever) into a hat... everybody picks a number.

2) I announce the following rules:

2a. "This While Elephant Gift Exchange will be finished in 20 minutes or less, or I get to keep any unwrapped gifts."

2b. "When I call your number you will have 10 seconds to make your way to the front and choose your present—at 11 seconds, I get your present."

2c. "When you choose a present, you have 20 seconds to unwrap it, hold it over your head, and loudly announce what your present is. At 21 seconds, I keep your present."

2d. "You may steal someone else's present, but you only have 10 seconds to steal and hold up your stolen gift. THAT PRESENT CAN ONLY BE STOLEN TWICE. If that present is stolen three times, I keep that present."

2e. "Any person whose present is stolen can challenge the thief to a 'test of physical acuity' chosen by me. (This tends to be arm wrestling, native american leg wrestling, or the standing long jump.) Whoever wins keeps the present. If there is a tie, the present goes to me."

2f. "Any attempt to argue about the rules will result in me taking that person's present."


We just completed the Mercury's White Elephant Exchange using the above unfuckwithable rules, and of course it was a grand success. I tried to steal Senior Designer Nick Olmstead's ALF and Star Wars "Ponda Baba" doll, and was challenged to a standing long jump. See the results of this contest after the jump.