Our annual Mercury "White Elephant Gift Exchange" is going down in about an hour, and you're not invited. HOWEVER! In the public's interest, here is my annual blog post, "Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's "Unfuckwithable Rules of the White Elephant Gift Exchange" for those who don't want their office White Elephant exchange to be a fucking disaster.—Wm.™

"Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's Three Unfuckwithable Rules of the White Elephant Gift Exchange."

1) Everyone brings a wrapped present (worth at least $5, but should be more) and places it in the pile. Count the presents, and put corresponding numbers (one through whatever) into a hat... everybody picks a number.

2) I announce the following rules:

2a. "This While Elephant Gift Exchange will be finished in 20 minutes or less, or I get to keep any unwrapped gifts."

2b. "When I call your number you will have 10 seconds to make your way to the front and choose your present—at 11 seconds, I get your present."

2c. "When you choose a present, you have 20 seconds to unwrap it, hold it over your head, and loudly announce what your present is. At 21 seconds, I keep your present."

2d. "You may steal someone else's present, but you only have 10 seconds to steal and hold up your stolen gift. THAT PRESENT CAN ONLY BE STOLEN TWICE. If that present is stolen three times, I keep that present."

2e. "Any person whose present is stolen can challenge the thief to a 'test of physical acuity' chosen by me. (This tends to be arm wrestling, native american leg wrestling, or the standing long jump.) Whoever wins keeps the present. If there is a tie, the present goes to me."

2f. "Any attempt to argue about the rules will result in me taking that person's present."