1. A Gift Certificate to Wailua Shave Ice

Those who’ve visited the islands of Hawaii already know that shave ice (NOT “SHAVED” ICE!!!) is one of the greatest cold desserts ever created by humankind. And while other Portland shave ice purveyors claim to be authentic, there is only ONE local version I’ll devour: Wailua Shave Ice, and their signature dessert, the “Lava Flow.” Start with a scoop of Tillamook vanilla ice cream, covered with a HUGE ball of shave ice, which is then infused with pineapple juice. Next, top it with fresh local fruit (in this case strawberry and pineapple), coconut foam, and strawberry puree and... OH DEAR GOD IT’S DELICIOUS. Mango is another way to go, but you can’t go wrong with anything on their menu. So if you truly value my happiness, a honkin’ big gift certificate to Wailua Shave Ice will finally make me love you. Wailua Shave Ice, 1022 W Burnside (inside Union Way), $6 each

2. Black Star Bag’s Book Bag Backpack

It is embarrassing to admit, but even though I’ve suffered through 16 rainy Portland winters, I still don’t have a waterproof backpack—which is INSANE since I do a lot of bikin’ and motorcyclin’. Well, it’s time for you to remedy this situation and purchase me a Black Star Bag for the holidays. This local bag maker is a Portland fave with bike messengers and stylish people alike for their fashionable and waterproof back sacks. And since I’m particularly stylish, I’m requesting their “Book Bag Backpack” which not only yells “Fuck you, water!” but is also extremely handsome (it’s reminiscent of Japanese-style book bags), and can be carried into fancy work meetings with confidence. That being said, I’m still refusing umbrellas. I am a Portlander, after all. Black Star Bags, 2033 SE Hawthorne, $140

3. Bootie Ring

Warning: I’m about to talk about my butt, so if you have a problem with that, MOVE ALONG. Still here? Good. Like you, I’m a very sex-positive person, and loooove giving and getting a lot of fun in the sack. That’s why I was (visibly) excited to learn about the “Bootie Ring” available at my fave Portland sex toy shop, She Bop. This deliciously cunning device is a combo platter cock ring and butt plug which promises to put a little extra “BAM!” in one’s erection, and a little extra “BAM!” in one’s bottom. Add those “BAM!s” together and that’s a very big “BAM!” indeed. Want to up the “BAM!” factor? While you’re there, also check out the “RO-Zen Pro,” which supercharges this same situation by adding an additional ring for the balls, more girth to the plug, AND vibration. That may be too much fun—but I’m willing to give it a shot. “BAM!” She Bop, 909 N Beech, 3213 SE Division, Bootie Ring, $45, RO-Zen Pro, $65

4. Poler’s Gomer Jacket

As mentioned earlier, I am stylish and it’s important that you realize this. However, I am also prone to forgoing style on occasion because I don’t have the right jacket to match the chilly weather outside. When the temps hover between too cool and too hot, I want a soft, medium-weight jacket to wear around town—AND IT BETTER BE STYLISH, GODDAMMIT. That’s why you should buy me Poler’s Gomer Jacket, which is made from a breathable wool blend fabric, and comes complete with water-resistant nylon reinforced shoulders, a hefty zipper, and two fetching front pockets. While you can choose between olive and dark purple, I’d prefer purple—and I’m a medium, in case you’re wondering. Oh! The Gomer is also currently on sale, sooooooooo.... Poler, 413 SW 10th, $45.95

5. And I Think You Should Donate to... Causa: Oregon’s Immigrant Rights Organization

The Trump administration has leveraged xenophobic fear into political power—with immigrants being their primary target. This year alone, immigrant arrests and detainment have gone up 900 percent (!!) in New York, while in Oregon, ICE agents have been stepping up their sweeps, in some cases making illegal arrests, profiling people of color, and resorting to trickery and warrantless searches to carry out the wishes of the racists in power. That’s why it’s super important for us to protect our neighbors, and a great way to do it is by donating to Causa: Oregon’s Immigrant Rights Organization. Their mission is to provide support and advocate for Latino immigrants, develop leaders within the community, and battle back against the inhumane, racist legislation favored by the current administration. Anything you can do to help will help—so please give generously. Causa: Oregon’s Immigrant Rights Organization, causaoregon.com/donate