Portland Patio Pages

I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

We Need To Talk

I have been trying so hard to connect with you. You don't pick up the phone, you never call me back. Don't be afraid of me. I just want to talk. I just need to let you know that your car warranty is about to expire and if you want to stay protected , you need to call be back, or I CAN'T HELP YOU!

Married Men of PDX (and some women)

About 90% of married men have hit on my when their wives', my friends, are looking away. They give the look.....ie: DTF? Hot or Not? Is it worth cheating on my wife? These wifey friends of mine always give me the cold shoulder when they realize they are getting ignored for the new Jenny on the Block.

Or the husbands lie about their marital status to elicit connections to women who actually respect wedding bands. And now know this entire group of married men is off limits, b/c wives can't handle their husbands being friendly to WOC. Trust me I don't want your husband.

Married men cheat and they are looking for the hottest fired up WAP on the block to bring their libido back. Cause they always do a double take with big booties. That's right big booty WOC is not what they are getting at home.

But I don't need to tell you marriage is an colonial institution that forced women to be "given" away or forced into marriage. Monogamy is not natural, half of all marriages end in divorce. It wasn't the hot Lolita down the block who ended your marriage.

Your church wedding is about as legit as those indigenous Catholic boarding schools IMHO.

In Oregon can we get some common law in Oregon? Cause Oregon is the only state on the west coast who doesn't have common law. If we were to get common law make sure there is a temporary period of "retroactivity" in the statute of limitations.

Lower the Intensity

You told me you read this so I figure this was the best way to let you know where I am at right now. Obviously, we've all been through a lot these past 19 months, and many of us were in difficult work or relationship situations before covid ever even started.

I think you are an awesome and special person. I'd would really appreciate being your friend. I apologize if that was miscommunicated. I'm really not looking for anything physical right now. I can more than take care of myself in that dept.

If its okay with you, I'd like to foster a friendship in the present and not worry about timelines, next steps, or what things could turn in to. That's what I need most right now, friends I can speak honestly and openly with about what we are currently experiencing together.

I really don't have many smart friends to talk to right now. And I think we all could use a little less pressure on ourselves as we try to figure out these next steps together as a society.

Life is weird, and undoubtedly we will come across habits or behaviors about each other we don't like, but I think there are things we can do as friends to accept ourselves and each other as the complete humans we are.

Thank you again, let's connect soon.

Just Return the Cart Please

You are literally two parking spaces from the shopping cart return. What the fuck is wrong with you that you can't walk the cart the 5 fucking meters and return it where the others are. Or even better yet, have one of the kids you are with do it.

All they have to do is push it under the huge sign that says "Shopping Cart Return." It has a picture of a shopping cart on it and it has plenty of carts already returned there if you need examples.

Yes, life is complex and complicated. And we are all burned out and have been through some rough shit. But what's the big issue with returning a grocer cart when you are done with it.

There are antivaxxers who understand this basic societal concept. Think about that. You are performing at a lower level than antivaxxers.

This isn't about science. This isn't about politics. This isn't an ethical conundrum. This is basic fucking kindergarten level shit.

Just return the grocery cart because if nothing else, you would have helped one burnt out frontline retail worker's job slightly easier and contributed to the increased peace of at least one other human being.

You can even pretend I'm begging if it helps.

Fuck Your

Non-Conflict communication style, When you say "some people" or "other people" all I hear is "YOU people". Rude!

That’s nonsense, I invented electricity.

With some tension in the air, there is a lot of interpersonal relationship energy being thrown around willy-nilly. Reminders to ourselves never hurt.

Let's speak with more honesty and kindness to ourselves. This is one of the greatest challenges any group or individual human can ever commit themselves to undertake.

Everything is research and development, there is no such thing as a sunken-cost, you are always allowed to value the treasures of knowledge you've learned from a experiencing a place, thing, or person and take it with you as you continue your forward progress through life.

Try some critical analysis every now and then, keeping your attention actively engaged on a puzzle is always exciting, but sometimes the puzzle is figuring out what it takes to figure out several puzzles in a certain order.

There's nothing wrong with second-guessing yourself every once and awhile, but if it doesn't help with your decision making, you may be better-off seeking a third-opinion elsewhere.

Figure out the basics of your programming. Food is the easiest type of input to experiment with and humans can be the most complicated.

Keep an escape plan handy, you don't have fly to africa, but it's good to have an idea of the company and destinations you'd be excited to explore should an opportunity land at your feat.

Talk to yourself. Talking aloud, typing out ideas, and hand written notes, are all some of the most accessible ways to recognize what your brain is trying to tell you.

Talk to others. Dancing, face to face conversations, voice calls, letters, emails, texts, and hand written notes, are all some of the most accessible ways to recognize what your brain is trying to tell you.

Karma is coming your way!

Here's you, working a horrible job in a horrible car dealership in the hinterland of Parkrose. You hate yourself and your life apparently, because you've done something for which the karma is going to be hellacious. You didn't like it that when I came in I was, even at my age, slimmer, taller, better looking and better dressed than you, you shlub, so you tried to dis me. When that didn't work and I called you on it, you persuaded your mechanic buddies in the back to turn on the light in the backseat area of my sedan where it's hard to notice (I'm over 70 and don't drive at night). That's a truly sneaky and pretty surely unaccountable way to get your petty revenge—to run down my battery and give me headaches. But what you don't realize is that sneaky harm done to innocent people—all I asked was to be treated with respect as a customer—is going to f your life forever, baby. I've known a lot of revengeful people too cowardly to take open revenge, who do these kinds of craven tricks that they think they get away with, and all their lives they have bad luck and end up with nothing but problems. On the other hand, despite your attempt to harm me, I got a new battery at half-price out of the deal and I continue to live a happy, lucky life. I stand up for myself and I fight openly if I am angry; people respect me and like me for it. Is there really anyone who likes and respects you?

What the hell Tinder?

So I look at my Tinder (I'm new to it and not paying for it at this point) it says I have 6 likes. Course I can't see who they are unless I pay. So I pony up for a subscription. I purchase and everything goes through. I head over to my 'likes' section and it unveils two of the likes and the rest disappear from view! What the hell!? It also says I still have 6 likes. It doesn't scale the number back from 6 to 2. Further more, the next day I receive another like, bringing the total up to 7. Still just the 2 visible likes. The new like isn't visible. Well, time to contact customer service I think, but lo and behold they don't HAVE a freakin' customer service and no where on their app or service is there any explanation as to why this is happening. What the hell Tinder!? I paid you for your service. Where are my freakin' likes?!

Hey Texas, Excuse Me, Hey Mayor

For a brief moment portland had a measure of integrity. texas decided that men knew best what womens health should and should not be about.
Portland, in an all too brief period of spine, told texas to fuck off.

Then apparently portland's mayor, for reasons involving daddy's money I'm pretty sure, thought otherwise and told texas that we didn't mean it ('Planned Parenthood, here's a couple hundred grand, now shut up').

So when a school district in texas instructs it's teachers that "if you have a book about the holocaust in your classroom be sure to have one presenting the opposing point of view," portland's response was stunning.

In it's silence.

Dear mayor, would you please grow a pair of balls and tell texas that they have seen the last of portland's business.

Oh, governor, are you paying attention?

Let the hair tell the story…

You lying discourteous racist motherfucker.

I came to you with solutions. I came to you as an ally. I came to you with a serious concern of what that pattern indicates. I told you if you didn’t address these things I’d quit.

And now you dare to spread rumors that you threatened to fire me if I didn’t quit. How fucking stupid are you?

Just because a reporter agrees not to publish it in public that doesn’t mean it’s a secret. Your “off-record” comments and behavior still inform their thoughts and opinion of you as well as how you will be covered in the future. Just because it’s not published in the papers, that doesn’t mean everybody doesn’t know.

I’m done giving you advice, I’m just going to step back, drink some wine, and watch the shit show that is your professional life spin out of control.

Multnomah County will make it through the worst of you, after all, 5 o’clock always comes around quicker than we expect

This isn’t rocket science…

The mail is either delivered or it isn’t.
The garbage is either picked-up or it isn’t.
Bus drivers are either in their routes or they aren’t.

Mail people have to get their job done right and on time.
Garbage people have to get their job done right and on time.
Bus drivers have to get their job done right and on time.

Why is law enforcement any different? Why should they be held to a lower standard?
Why are we giving immoral illiterate thugs government issued weapons?

Who’s organizing the crime?

AntiPOC Bias Enthusiastically Approved (sarcasm)

Yes, there is an objectively clear pattern of antiPOC bias in media coverage of Portland, but they also asked a couple of black and Hispanic peeps along the way so it’s all cool.

It’s important to recognize that each of us only have to do the bare minimum to defeated systemic racism and other forms of corruption. Once a politician or member of the press have checked a couple boxes labeled anti-racist, they’re work is done and racism is defeated forever.

One way the kids today are overcoming inherent antipoc bias in culture institutions is to appoint a small group of unelected privileged people of color to represent communities en mass. Not only does save excess time we didn’t have before the digital revolution but it also prevents awkward encounters with people of color who may disagree with your preconceived ideas about what’s best for their community. Remember this is about anti-racist performances and not strengthening our society’s crumbling democratic infrastructure. It’s important to just tell people of color what they should think. If you must routinely ask the opinion of nonwhites, it’s important to keep the pool of characters small and only turn to the same privileged POCs time and time again to avoid the reality of diversity in favor of its appearance.

This helps to solidify power among a few tokenized community gatekeepers who have be pre-approved to speak on community issues in alignment with personal and political agendas.

Faith leaders of color are often a shrewd choice for police and politicians seeking to pacify community responses to human rights abuses.

By aligning ourselves with tokenized leaders who can recognize the short-term political and financial opportunity in placating status quo power brokers, we can defeat systemic racism for all. (Once we’ve all made a few bucks first)

it's pretty obvious you are a racist

The thing about the perpetuation of systemic racism is it happens and you participate in it, even if you don't "feel" racist.

It really doesn't matter how much you've donated to HBCUs or the NAACP. It doesn't matter how good you are at trotting out Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, or other tokenized leaders to credit yourself with the performances of "friends of color." It doesn't matter what facts and figures you can spout off about inherit bias, the over policing of communities of color, or the intersectionality of ANTI-POC bias and local political coverage.

If you treat individuals or groups differently because of their skin color or culture of origin, you are fucking racist. It's that simple. You can try to overcomplicate it, you can try to dismiss your role in perpetuating systemic racism, you can ask certain friends of yours to give you a pass but if you forward racist ideas and systems, consciously or not, you are a fucking racist harming our communities.

The healing has to start with you. You need to resolve your own biases, admit to your past mistakes, then do you part to build an environment of truth and reconciliation in our communities.

It's time to make this something that is more than only fair

Hand tats

I see many, many people in portland have those back of the hand tattoos that make them stand apart and appear unique.
How does one get those designs? Do you just copy someone else? Does it help you seem different than the rest? Does it help you get laid?



Interesting the difference between reactions to the Thorns coach and the Trailblazers coach. Issues seem identical to me..but then, I don’t like organized professional sports, anyways. Criminal.