Portland Patio Pages

I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

You People

You People need to check all your bath towels because that is where the spiders are trying to nest right now, especially the towels that are hanging in your bathroom.

Fuck your Christmas music.

It's that time of the year. Worst genre of music to ever darken the world is being unleashed with unholy fury. If the tides ever turn on the war on Christmas, please for fuck sakes kill the music first. The rabid consumption, consumerism and corruption of a religious event into a commercial venture is bad, but the music is torture.

My Goodness, We did it!

Okay, so you know that "wrong answers only" social media game that started awhile back... yeah... that was never supposed to be like a lifestyle thing. You were all totally allowed to go back to giving correct answers like as soon as you stopped commenting on the post.

Don’t face us

Guys, when you are on the shitter in the stall could you please stay in there until the room is empty? Just wait it out a minute would ya?
Nothing worse than seeing the actual face of the person who stank the place up in the mirror as I am washing my hands.


This year I'm thankful that the 3 shits who killed a jogger were found guilty.

Good Parenting and an American Hero

17 year old: "Mom, I know we live in Vancouver, but can I head to downtown Portland tonight? I just found out that a protest was declared a riot."

Mom: "Hmm... seems like a reasonable request. Yes, yes you can head to downtown Portland and engage with rioters. Not that it's really any of my business, but what will you be doing there?"

"Providing first aid."

"Wow! I really did raise you right! You taking your medi-kit then?"

"Yep! The really small one. I'm also going to arm myself with an AR-15 that a friend bought for me a few months ago because, as you know, I can't legally possess one in our state."

"This is all making a lot of sense. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? I'm proud of you son!"

"Thanks, mom! And just so you know, Mother's Day is coming up and I'm not saying I'm getting you a "Mother of the Year" coffee cup... I'm just saying....wink, wink."

"Aw, shucks! You be careful now at that riot in another city in another state and in the middle of the night. Watch your trigger discipline and whatever. I can't say enough how very, very proud of you I am... my little patriotic soldier!"

"Thanks mom... now off I go to a violent riot in the middle of the night happening in another city in another state armed with an AR-15 that I am not legally allowed to possess! I should be back around 3am, but don't hold me to that."

"I never do!"

A still inconvenient truth

What the fuck is wrong with us?

We knew about the affects of global warming in the 80s.

Al Gore made a couple movies about it in the early 2000s.

Now some 40 years later as we face record breaking meteorological event after record breaking meteorological event, people still refuse to even acknowledge the data, the patterns, the science, and the truth about our own behavior.

Now we are stuck between journalists and industrialist who make money off denying reality to impede changes to their comfortable status quo and journalists and activists who perform holier than thou sermons of rebuke and accusations while failing to examine how their decades of performative hypocrisy has had little of any measurable affect in changing our path.

It’s the same story on vaccines.
It’s the same story on police reform.
It’s the same story on voting rights.

People are more interested in their nonprofit paycheck, their social media likes, and their donor relationships to actually do anything beyond a “compelling and emotional performance” about the issue.

My childhood home in New Orleans won’t exist in 5-10 years. My kids will likely face weather intense enough to disrupt crops around the world and severely impact our economy and food supply.

But hey at least you got to play dress up and feed your ego with cheeky demonstration at that climate event you flew/drive to. Your hair and make up looked great in those pictures.

Stop playing to the audience, grow the fuck up and try to actually accomplish measurable for a change.

Ah, the autumnal scent of Climate Disaster

Here we are again in chilly November, breathing the crisp, cold, polluted-with-fireplace-smoke air, a refreshing reminder that the Forest Fires of Summer are only six months away, or maybe five months if dry, hot summer again comes early. You have your well-to-do neighbors who love charring logs to thank for the smog that covers Portland every winter, plus those who can afford a house, but apparently can't afford heating, so burn garbage instead.
Multnomah County has its toothless, futile No Burn Days, but without anyone enforcing them, the smoke curls into the air and into your eyes, nose, throat and—wait! isn't there a medical specialty for that? You wonder why Portland's physicians haven't protested the dangerous wood smoke, but maybe they are enjoying the fees from asthmatic kids, the emergency room visits of oldsters with COPD, and the like. What about the environmentalists? Narry a complaint from them, because.......fireplaces are an American right? like eating meat? like working for polluting corporations? like not paying your taxes if you can afford a fancy lawyer? like ruining the earth for your children?
Now how's that for a rant? Too bad the idiots who should read it, won't. Excuse me, I have to go cough up my guts.

do you believe in freedom?

yes? so you must believe in free will, then. free will means that all will is equal. free will means that your will is not worth more than anyone else's. free will means you listen to the will of others, and you choose to do the right thing. anti-capitalism doesn't mean anti-freedom. freedom means anti-capitalism.

Speaking of boycotts

Kyle Rittenhouse, the angelic poster boi of all American right-wingers, gun fetishists, and racists, is "innocent" of murder. So why don't we start boycotting our militarist police and fetid, rotten criminal "justice" machines in America?


Until Peng Shuai is seen publicly and is free to speak for herself, perhaps a boycott of everything that even remotely benefits the government of china is in order. Especially the 2022 Winter Olympics.

Even watching the events on television.

On a similar note; same goes for Wisconsin. Just because.


You WILL get what you want! But nobody likes you.

money that isn't blood money

basing money on artificial scarcity (like dollars) perpetuates the myth that there isn't enough money to go around. there is actually plenty of money for everyone, but billionaries are complete fucking assholes that suck money up in vanity-fueled pyramid schemes (space! self-driving cars! the internet!), while people starve in the streets. no thank you

basing money on real scarcity (like cryptocurrency) perpetuates the myth that there IS enough energy to go around. there is not because google's data centers are sucking up exponential amounts of power to fuel their giant surveillance machines, and forests (solar panels) are burning to make room for disco balls (solar panels). no thank you

basing money on randomness (like a lottery ticket) sounds kind of nice. maybe the government just starts giving everybody between $100 and $200 every day, minting the money while they do it. "the market" is flooded with people having good days and better days. people already give each other money with cash-app and shit all the time. we might as well stop pretending money is anything but a weird swirly fluid that's as impossible to predict as a hurricane

Hey Portland cops

Robert Delgado had beautiful kids and friends and dreams and smiles. Power Men may say it's cool to gun down and murder someone like brother Robert when they need compassion and professionalism the most. But we know you armed PPB thugs lack both. Rest in strength, Robert.

You made me crash and my ribs are broken

Thank you, you stupid asshole, for making me crash my scooter in the rain and not even bothering to get out and ask if I was okay. Probably didn’t want to get your hair wet.

I have two broken ribs because of you. Now I can’t work or pay my bills. Hope you made it to your fucking yoga class on time or whatever the fuck you were doing that was more important. You’re a terrible person.