I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Neighborhood Parking

After a recent confrontation I had with an uppity homeowner (that's right —- I'm not a passive Portlander, I'll call people out), I feel it's important to remind anyone out there the rules of neighborhood parking before they write a passive note to stick under a windshield wiper.

If you're in a neighborhood that's within city limits, anyone can legally park in front of your house. That is, as long as there are no "No Parking" signs, they are fifteen feet from a fire hydrant, and not blocking the entrance to your driveway (if you have one). Additionally, a vehicle is only considered "abandoned" if it remains parked and unmoved for over 24 hours, so yeah....boo hoo, someone parked by your house. But unless it's violating any of the criteria mentioned, it's LEGAL to park there. (I'm not including commuters in this —-just visitors and people who live in the area.)
You don't own the street in front of your house, therefore you need to stop acting like a passive aggressive asshole when people DO park there.

And to the person who took a picture of their neighbor's (normal sized) work truck and emailed the company, stating the employee needs more manners/respect when parking said vehicle: eat a fucking dick. You are worse than the cry babies who leave notes for vehicle owners when they've broken no law or ordinance. Get off your high horse and just fucking deal with it. Brush up on parking codes, or better yet....just shut the fuck up all together.

Vet Love

So, here we go.
I just had to fall in love with my veterinarian.
He just had to be married, with dog and white picket fence.
That didn't matter to him, I was his 'everything'.
I just couldn't stay away.
Come to find out I was just any other 'mistress'.
Who makes someone fall in love with them and then leaves them?
My heart hurts so much though.

Vision Zero?

How come this does not also include people getting shot? If you read the local news you would see how often people are getting shot. But I guess since the anti-car folks don’t give a fuck about this, neither will the local politicians.

Recycling tips for Noobs

Recycling plants are a mix of machine and hand-sorted processes. If things not meant to be in the recycling stream are in it then it can mess the machines up or ruin the material for further recycling. A few things to keep in mind are that
1) Plastic tubs/bottles 6oz or larger are ok, but not their caps or lids.
2) From what I've read, to-go food/drink containers as well as frozen food cardboard, having a wax lining on the inside, are because of this not recyclable. Starbucks and other places allow you to use your own drink container.
3) Rigid plastics that package vegetables, to-go food, non-organic produce, etc, are no longer accepted (and never were accepted in home recycling bins) by the Chinese market. This goes for plastic bags too
4) Dreams are okay, as long as they don't have food grease on them
5) Metal pieces like cans, can lids, and beer caps, and aluminium foil are recyclable in main bin but the smaller things should be bunched up (in a foil ball or an aluminum jar clamped shut and half-way full or else your dreams will be metallic)

Be good fellow Portlanders.

To Two Lonely Old Shmills

Preface: I say this with total compassion for both these awkward parasites which I will call the two old "Shmills" as they both have the same name. Although these two have no idea the other exists, they are identical. While these old Shmills sit on opposite sides of the restaurant, both are obviously lonely old pedophiles totally engaged in the exact same fantasy.They ogle my young adorable server, completely unconscious of her loathing of this creepy attention. Neither of them has a clue how we talk about their ridiculous presence and both try to hide behind their wack "intellect" one by obsessively trying to worm his "therapeutic ramblings." The other, making off handed, AS IF inuendo. As an experienced and empathetic woman, I offer this advice, Stop, take a look around you. Yes, that IS you at the other end looking like a pathetic lonely old guy! Get it under control old boys! It's a penis, not a live wire!

Hey Pro Life Supporters...

Can you also start protesting outside of places that sells guns? If you really care about human life, then you should also be concerned about all these mass shootings too. People are dead because of at least one person’s choice. You don’t like that, I don’t like that. We need to work together and end this shit. Then we can talk about other things later.


Hate unions, do you? You’re outraged that Burgerville employees have organized. You’re outraged that teachers in third-world states are actually striking over wages and working conditions.

Unions are nothing more than lobbying groups. There are lobbying groups for old people (AARP), gun owners (NRA), women ( NOW), black people (NAACP). There are even lobbying groups for animals (PETA). Where’s your outrage for these so-called special interests?
Unions are nothing more that lobbying groups for working people.
“Unions are corrupt” you bellow. Sorry, friend. That’s your granddad talking. Yes, in the days of Hoffa and Reuther and Kirkland, yeah, lots of graft. Now their only goal is (gasp!) fair wages and benefits for workers.

“Unions protect bad employees” Sorry, friend. Unions keep employers honest by requiring due process in disciplinary action. They require fair treatment of all employees, meaning you don’t get fired for being too young or old or the wrong “type” or for not sleeping with the boss. Inside secret: Unions don’t want losers any more than employers.

“Unions are socialists” Unions built this country: steel and railroads and shipyards and automobiles. And they built the middle-class; probably your parents.

Let me make it simple for you: Next time you’re flying somewhere, six miles up, maybe bouncing around in roller-coaster turbulence, would you prefer your aircraft was built by a machinist at Boeing making $30 an hour, or some slave in China making $30 a month?

Shitty Sidewalks

Anyone else notice Portland becoming shitty. Literally !!! It’s hard to walk down a sidewalk without having to walk by what is essentially a well ventilated piece of tupperware full of human excrement, piss, blue chemicals and who knows what else. What i the fucking deal with these misnamed honey pots. Sanitation is a pillars of any civilization. Plumber do more to secure public health than doctors. So why are we shitting on the streets. I’m pretty sure most house being remodeled have functional toilets. I’m also wager to bet that whoever is doing the remodeling is house broken. If you must get a shit box please put it on your own property, and leave the commons free fecal free.

Open Letter To Fox News

My dad was a vet. He failed at keeping the horrors inside for 40 years. He got counseling finally, and the VA tranquilized him. His own truth vs his service record tortured him for 40+ years.
Fox News are the murderous among us. There is no glory. Ask a soldier.

A Hot Tip for the Male Race

Dear Male Race,
Don’t talk to any woman in a CO-Ed steam room where she can’t see you. Or at all for that matter.
And let’s throw saunas in too just for shits and giggles. We don’t want to talk to you.
Kind regards,
The Female Race

The Pink Dress

On Friday, May 11th I was hit by a car while riding my bicycle. There was a lot of tears, a lot of sirens, and so many faces, but there you were in your pink dress. It was near 7pm, so I'm sure you were dressed nice to go enjoy your Friday evening.
I've never been hit by a car before, and you made a point to get on the ground beside me and look me in the eyes. You told me your name. You called my loved ones for me. You ran home and got ice for my wounds. Thank you. I was so scared and there were so many people. You made a difference that night and myself and my family thank you for it. I know many people stopped to give me aid because I remember a sea of legs. I hope each and every one of you went on to have wonderful weekends. And Brooke in the Pink Dress, you are one kind and rad human!


In Awe of the Kindness of Strangers

You Want Closure

You asked why I left. Said it creeped you out; I was acting like you physically abused me. Said your friends counseled that the break up had something to do with my next period. Said you were honest with them. Did you tell them how you broke the headboard, demanded to read my journals? I said yes; you ransacked the house at 4:30 AM. Emails, too! I said yes. You wanted my complete honesty and vulnerability. Needed to know my entire sexual history prior to you. I gave it, too slowly. Later you said you had a two-year-old cancer diagnosis, older than us, you'd done nothing about. Demanded I tell no one. When I sat on the bed, went to therapy, said for a solid month I would stay because I loved you, you looked terrified. Slashed me with memories of men I'd slept with when I wasn't yours, said my dishonesty about my past was the reason you'd never told me about your possible illness. I didn't speak because I wanted you to be happy. Thought we could be happy. Wanted my privacy so I could shame myself without your help. You pressed those buttons whenever we got too close. Said the stress of our relationship was too much to deal with in addition to seeing a doctor. So I got out of the way. It never was, as you imply frequently, another man. Your well-being is important to me, even after everything you said that broke me. Why did I leave? I was raised in emotional abuse. I have a workable understanding and empathy about the situation even if you can't admit it. But I don't have to live with it. I can only heal me. That's my truth, even if no one else knows.

You're Wrong

It's not that I don't care about your opinion or viewpoint. I do my best to try to understand.
It's just that I'm in no way allowed to believe you are right. You see, I have to keep on living. I have bills and debts to pay which means I must go out in the world and do work with people like you. People who will always be happy when I show up because I get in early, stay late, do the hard jobs, and all with professional courtesy and manufactured charisma. I know enough not to become friends with any of them. They can and have removed me, just like you intend to.
But if I start to believe they're right. If I start thinking I'm the monster you claim I am, what am I left with?
Does that mean I don't have to go out in public anymore? Do I get to stop working and paying bills? Should I pick out a spot under a bridge? Live in the woods like the kid in Hatchet? Kill myself? Would you like it if I killed myself? Mental health is physical health, friends.
It's not an option for me to believe the image you place on me is true. I'm sorry. I know you are trying to do a good thing, but you are completely wrong in this accord. I am not a malicious person. Nor are my actions or the results of my actions.
Don't come around here anymore. We don't like people like you. Those are your words. You are trying to keep a person from food and shelter. Access to school and healthcare. Participation in government and the marketplace. And I'm the monster. You so easily label another human as less than. Shame

Confederacy of Dunces

Yesterday, I saw some WHITE Trump supporter driving his big ol' truck down N. Mississippi with a huge Confederate flag a'wavin from the bed. To think, that this neighborhood was once a predominately African-American neighborhood and this guy felt it appropriate to wave his racist, treasonous flag through it. Imagine if you're African-American and you see this living manifestation of stupidity a'rolling coal down the street with this pro-slavery flag blowing in the breeze. How would that make you feel?

I know the driver didn't have enough brain cells to rub together to consider his actions, as he appeared to be an attention whore like so many privileged white males are. He's part of Trump's base, that 30% percent who love an authoritarian figures as long as they are sufficiently racist enough. By the way, do you all know that the English translation of "Al Qaeda" is "The Base"? Yup.

Also, before any moronic, unthinking and racist commenters start spouting that the Confederate flag is about "state rights" and nothing more, why don't you read the Articles of Confederation? ALL the states listed slavery as their main reason for their TREASONOUS actions.

Before any of you morons start whining about free speech... I'm not saying what this idiot did is illegal because it obviously isn't. What I am saying is that it was distasteful, disrespectful, offensive and fucking STUPID.

Ya'll must be very proud.

Blow Your Nose!!!

So quiet you can hear a pin drop. We’re all here, concentrating quietly. We’ve all studied hard and this test shouldn’t be that difficult, yet I hear sniffling. And not just one but two fucking people. Every 30-45 seconds!!!! 2 people doing this simultaneously is fuckin maddening!
Please, if this is you, go blow your goddamn nose you snot faced, unprepared assholes! Fuck!!!!!

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