I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Most cops are good cops. But...

Most cops are good cops. In Portland, we don't have the best, but we don't have the worst. But most cops are good cops. But is that good enough? I mean, is this the standard we are holding them to, that MOST are good? Would we want to fly with an airline that says most of our pilots are good pilots? The problem comes down to education. These men and women in blue seem to be only educated in how to subdue and kill. They need training in philosophy, sociology, anthropology. With an education that is more well-rounded, they will be less likely to see their jobs as "us and them". Also, would it hurt have cops that are in shape?


The Mark

The mark of a weakling is the “masters degree”. The mark of a dying organization is the reliance on such a certificate. Could be called “the funnel” . Enjoy your custom bike(for maybe three months while you’re dreaming about getting a Tesla , fool)!


Out of TP

Hey guys, if your gonna let the tp run out in your bathroom, guess what? It’s gonna get ugly fast. I came in today and plunked down to have my afternoon crap in your customer restroom only to find zero tp. Just paper towels that I had to waddle over to retrieve. There was a line to get in and the risk of clogging the toilet with shit paper seemed high. I threw my shit paper into the garbage. Lots of shit paper, like enough to wall paper the wall. It stank and I had to jet but ffs, keep it stocked!!!

-the shitterer


Please learn how to cough, idiot.

EVERY CHILD KNOWS HOW TO COUGH CORRECTLY NOW. (FYI- it is into the crook of your elbow, which helps to prevent the spread of diseases because, WONDER OF WONDERS, you are not coughing into your hand which you use to touch everything.) Why this is SO FUCKING HARD for adults to master is beyond me. Don't cough into your hand, don't use your hand to wipe your nose (I am looking at you, checker at Lowes who did a full hand snot wipe before handing me my bag), and don't just give up covering it altogether and cough straight out into the air. Please, PLEASE just cough correctly. You are the 4th grown adult in the past day that I have seen cough into their hand and then touch shit. If my 3 year old niece can cough correctly, so can you, able bodied grown person. The flu is nasty, I just had it (and I got my flu shot thank you very much), and I blame the adults who weren't taught how to not be 100% disgusting. USE YOUR FUCKING ELBOW.


‘Mornin boss!

Hey you asshole corporate boss of ours! I noticed you live just a few blocks from one of our locations. Just so happens I drive that route during the later/early wee hours. Also just so happens I have taken it upon myself to honk like a motherfucker as I pass your fancy-ass house during this time in hopes of disrupting your sleep. Why? You drink the juice too much and hassle is daily, why not hassle you nightly? Fuckerrrrr!!!!


I see three

Whenever Walgreens gets backed up in any of those departments, the person in distress will intercom “i c 3”, probably meaning “I see three people in line now”.
3/4 of the time, no one shows up to help so I figured out this is the way to know that due to staffing issues, it’s an ok time to go shoplift. Thanks Walgreens!


Oblivious, rude, priviledged or what?

Hey you, wonderful people who reside in Portland! The doors are open, there is no cover, a live band is playing music in an establishment. You, by yourself or with a group of people walk in, don't acknowledge any of the staff, look at your phones, go and use the bathroom, you may have a cup of coffee or kambucha. There may or may not be table service, but you haven't looked at the menu because you were never planning on ordering anything or tipping the musicians. After a good amount of time passes one of the staff walks up and greets you, asks if you are waiting on someone or would like to order. You either lie, or outright say 'No.' The most astonishing thing is how surprised you are when I bluntly tell you 'you gotta get the fuck out.' or you walk out as if I don't exist, sometimes you smile as if I am joking and make me have to repeat myself. I'm amazed at how clueless you are, you fucking free loader piece of shit, or maybe you were born under a rock before moving here. Either way, on behalf of all the service industry here, fuck you very much you spineless wastes of life. Earth is over populated, do everyone a favour and off yourself.


Why do you need a truck downtown?

Is it safe to assume the guy who screamed f*g at me from the window of a camouflaged Dodge was a not-so-camouflaged dingus? That language might rile up the people on XBox Live, but middle schoolers called me that 20 years ago and it hasn't bothered me since. I don't come to McMinnville and yell "Accept everyone" at you from a speeding public bus, so go home and take a snowmobile ride, think about your life, and come back when you're someone else.


Dumb chic chick asshats

To the tan fuck in the fancy "laid back" jacket: I overheard you and your plastic girlfriend at Naomi's, floating the idea of buying chicks like they were a houseplants. "Lets get a couple." "What'll we do when he gets big?" "Where will we keep him, inside?" "He pecked me! Omg!" Yeah, you both kept saying 'he,' like a charicature of what rich dumb evil people sound like. I sincerely hope the staff stopped you from taking home hens for your temporary enjoyment—and if they didn't, I hope the hens shit all over your fucking condo before escaping. Animals aren't toys, you braindead fucking fucks.


Thanks Trump!

In front of the World’s greatest spotlight, my boys get to see what a real slimeball looks like. They are doing great at life, “winning”, even. So, thank you. Namaste.


You’ll Find Your Keys on 49th in a Bush

Dear Stupid Hag,

We’ve had gasoline siphoned out of our cars and my apartment complex has had enough. Not that it was you, but you should have known the meaning of karma. Last night, you pull your car into our parking lot, and as I’m walking out my door with my dog, you’ve walked next door and started cutting all of the spring flowers my neighbors grew, like an etitiled crack head. You also left your car door wide open, with the keys to the ignition. Hearing you come unhinged as I went around the corner, was absolute delight to my ears. You didn’t see me take your keys, and I am also the one who had your car towed as you argued with the towing company as I returned home walking my pooch. Those big eyes, attached to an entitled face as your car got taken away from you. Crying, you were calling friends to pick you up. Your keys are in a huge shrub between Sandy and Halsey on 49th. Hope stealing flowers was worth it for you! It caused you much more trouble than an arrest. And for that, I’ll have a good weekend.


My First MAX Ride

I have been at my friend to go cycling with me for almost two years so I jumped when she invited me along with her and her husband for a downtown run. Things went wrong but it was nothing at all. We laughed, walked, and talked until we could ride again. They took me on my first train ride ever, and she posted a pic of us on her Instagram. Me!!
I get home and catch hell from my husband but I can’t stop smiling. I just had the most real life, honest to goodness ‘effin fun. I am so glad to be here. Thanks, guys!!!


Same!

Hey you, yelling "same" over and over during Lords of Chaos. We get it. You're metal. Black metal. Portland Black Metal forged in the depths a sad basement studio apartment or over-filled share house (with a sink stained with washed off corpse paint) during the 6 harsh months of grey and rain you moved here to experience.

Is it really the "same"? Did you also pose your dead friend and take pictures with a disposable camera you found at an estate sale? Did you use the same jokey(yet never funny) phrase more than than the rule of threes? Same!

Nah, you're just lacking any self awareness in your life. We were just trying to enjoy a mediocre movie. Same!

We all thought you were truly an unpleasant human. Same!


Building your own skate park in St. Johns.

So you went and built your own rollerskating park under the St. Johns bridge, endangering people's health and possibly compromising the structure of the bridge. You're really intelligent, aren't you? And an impressive over-achiever. It's the sad pathetic losers like you with nothing to lose that make St. Johns such a great suburb. Oh how I wish that, as you would have it, anyone could just go an build anything they want anytime and anywhere they choose. Wouldn't that be great? Bravo on a great achievement. One feels sorry for your parents, unless they are also loser burnouts who get off on vandalism.


Bottle and can collectors

I know that seeing someone sort through your recycling bin on the curb can put you on edge but can y’all just chill out a bit or sort your cans and bottles into your yellow bin?

Not everyone digging in cans is looking to fuel their drug addiction. Some of us are just trying to buy groceries and pay rent.

Do you think I like digging through your cat food tins and amazon boxes for .10¢ a can? Not my first choice or my full time job.
Just a broke millennial trying to make ends meet.


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