I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Turn Off Your Damn Car Engine

What's with all the idiots sitting in their cars with their engine idling? You're an idiot because you think you need a 100-200-horsepower engine to power a tiny phone. Or you think your phone will deplete a 50-pound car battery. Or you think need to run your AC on a cool autumn day. Or you just like the comforting sound of your car engine filling up the immediate area with fumes that anyone walking by has to breathe.

Get a Life, Napoleon

Listen, I get it—you were on a "fancy" date (maybe a first date) and you felt the need to impress your lady. But the bar area was crowded, so when my friend and I were leaving and other patrons stopped us to say hello (he's a well known dude, visiting from out of town), my purse *touched* your date. You puffing up your chest, making a small scene and saying something referencing the small space and me standing behind you two as "not gonna work", just made us eye-roll and finish our conversation. Being that you were barely taller then me while sitting atop your stool, makes me think you were trying to prove your manliness. But it just came off as you being a whiney little bitch.

Bus Line Cutting MFer

I was the first person waiting at the bus stop this afternoon. Two other people arrived soon after me. Your fat white trash ass arrived literally seconds before the bus, however, your entitled self thought it was cool to butt up to the door ahead of everyone else waiting. Ef you mfer! This is a crowded bus. People who get there earlier deserve their choice seat. You wait your turn, which is based on when you get to the stop. I about bitch talk you straight but you were apparently on your cell phone with some other db friend. I didn't want to cause a scene. Next time this happens youve been forewarned!

Santa’s Barrier

Why doesn’t this city have those protective barriers between Santa’s lap and my child? Every Santa photo place I’ve inquired about has yet to catch up to the many that exist in other cities, why not here?
It’s simple, cheap and comforting to know that my kiddo will have a safe experience getting a holiday photo!

Let's Play a Game

This game is called, "When is it okay to park in a disabled parking spot?"

A) I'm only gonna be a minute, maybe two.

B) Other disabled spots are available, so I will just park in this one - I'm only gonna be a few minutes. What's the big deal?

C) I'm a total asshole. It doesn't matter how long I am going to be.

D) I'm just fucking lazy.

E) When I have a placard that allows me to legally park in this spot.

The correct answer is E!!!! Shocking, I know. But some people just don't get it and continue to park in the disabled parking spaces anyway. Being only a minute or two, using your hazard lights, parking in the loading area associated with disabled parking spots, delivering food, and/or being a selfish prick aren't good enough reasons to park in those spots.

Also, if you see someone with a disabled parking sticker parked in a disabled parking spot, and the "appear" fine to you, don't write a nasty note and leave it on their windshield! Some people are fighting things you cannot see! The vetting to get a disabled parking sticker is extreme. Just because someone has two working legs does not mean they are not disabled somehow.

So, please, stop being a fucking selfish fucktard. You are able bodied. You can park in another spot 5 feet away, and walk. Chances are you are an obese American and you could use the extra 10 steps. Don't be a dick.

Toilet Seat Pissers

Ladies, I understand that peeing in a public place can seem daunting. Hover if you must. But understand there may be someone that follows that may not share your germophobe ways. You want to hover, cool. But you pissing all over the seat is not. Use a cover. Use a shit ton of toilet paper and pick up the damn seat. If guys can do it, so can you. Sitting down and feeling your piss soak into my skin is beyond words. You are worse than men missing. Put a cover down, or even better, lift the lid if you're hovering anyway. Grab a big piece of toilet paper and do it. Better than letting your fellow sister wallow in your neglect.

Reindeer Crossing

When you signed your drivers license you agreed to follow the same guidelines and rules so everyone would be on the same page. Stop adjusting the rules because no one around you is a mindreader, ya dipshits!

And for a quick brush-up:

A 4-way stop is just that. You think because you’re taking a right turn you can just go to the head of the line? NO. It’s a 4-way stop NOT a 5-way stop.

The light is red and once again you want to make a right turn. This time you decide to do so via the bicycle lane. THIS IS ILLEGAL. Also, if the driver who is actually in the lane goes to make a right turn and you’re there, BLAMO, and fuck you.

Let’s do a quickie for those oh-so-nice Portland drivers who are being the hero by stopping to let a car cross in front of more than one lane of traffic even though there is no stop sign or light. Guess what? Although you may have decided to pat yourself in the shoulder by doing this selfless act, the person driving in the lane next to you will probably keep driving because that is the agreement and next thing you know, the person crossing in front of you gets into the next lane and BLAMO, the car in lane next to you nails them, because that was NOT the agreement.

I’ve already asked Santa for this, but I know all the cookies in the world won’t get me it, so I’m asking you all directly to please stop driving to the beat of your own Little Drummer Boy.

Columbia Sportswear CEO is Embarrassing Us?

Speak for yourself Steven Humphrey. I read the newsblast this morning and couldn't disagree more. Speaking of entitled asses - I know the Mercury is in SW not far from the homeless ground zero, but are you penning these opinion pieces from the office or the confines of your suave overpriced apartment [HAAAAAA-HAAAAAA-HAAAAAA!!! Oops... sorry to interrupt.—Steve] away from the crime and tweaked out street walkers? I'd like to know what everyone else at the Mercury office thinks. Tim Boyle is only putting written word and media attention to a problem business leaders have been talking about for years. As a tenant in NW Portland, I couldn't be happier - but of course, just like the rest of the news outlets in this city, the Mercury doesn't cover the vast multitude of rape and sexual harassment, car break-ins, robbery, violent attacks, and filth that exists in NW and SW Portland. How do you answer for that Mr. editor-in-chief? Instead of putting a business leader on blast for trying to affect change (and hold the city responsible!? how dare he), how about you arrange a meeting with the Portland Business Alliance and find out how Downtown businesses are feeling/coping, and then report that in the paper you edit?

A Treatise on Why We All Suck

In the 90s:
Daytime TV (springer, sally-jesse, dr. phil, ricky lake, maury, montel, etc.) was full of "bootcamps" and "tough love" facilities to send your kids to. These places had real consequences. Society was encouraging parents to offset their parental responsibility onto an abusive flunky drill sergeant type—simply because they caught their teenager smoking a joint once.
I got over blaming our boomer parents about a year ago. When you get closer to 30, you'll probably stop thinking of the boomer generation as this malevolent evil force. You'll start entertaining the idea that they were just as much a "victim" of consumerism as we all are.
Because it was available, they were just given the opportunity to own property.
They were second generation mass-media victims. Post 1920, the United States has operated as a perpetual consumerism generator. Our economy depends on a low cost assembly line with planned obsolescence built into every product. This is the type of consumerism with which the modern worldwide economy operates.
They were promised a spouse, a home, 2.5 kids, a gazebo (or equivalent out building), and a plot of land; size determined TBD by their newly-founded suburban H.O.A.s
Our generation was expected to be "culturally patient"; meaning that those of us who had a problem with the contemporary cultural climate were encouraged to simply either "just grow up," or "just deal with it".
Reductively, I understand blaming the "new model" for being inexperienced and naive. Just recognize that you and your thinking are the "old model," and either a Blade Runner bounty hunt, or Carousel-type explosion of obsolescence is the best you can hope for.

My Super Sweet Traffic Idea, You Guys!

I went to Paris earlier this year, and true to form, there was an abundance of scooters and motorcycles. Heaps and heaps and heaps of them. Lining the streets, nestled in wherever they would fit. I also observed that they could lane-split, and if a traffic light was red, they would "filter" to the front of the line. Once the light turned green, bang! they were gone. All of the cars were used to it. Can we do that here, gang? At least on surface streets? Think of all the times you just needed to get from A-B, and you didn't need room for passengers or cargo? Could be cool, no? You can park three of those motherfuckers in the space of a regular vehicle. It's safe to say that most of them get really good mileage also. Oh, and people probably wouldn't text as much while on their metal steeds. They'd just pull up to one another and be like "yep!" and the other one would be like, "I know, right?!" Seems like a no-brainer to me.

Meet More Dumb Parents

You're pulling out a driveway with 2 babies in back. You so happy to see them with your head cranked up to the rearview. Couldn't really tell if you were baba-baby talking, but I could really tell you weren't looking to your left, right, or straight ahead. Because someone was walking right up to your car and they noticed you not paying attention. What do you do, and if it's not a wave-motion-sorry, then it's a gorgeous smile. If you was checking to see if you'd forgotten to strap the future losers in, then you're a greater idiot pulling out a driveway, not paying attention.

Come on lady! You had enough sense to let some dick enter you to procreate a kid that you raised to walk and hold your hand, so have a puny amount of wisdom to use your phone, or research ahead where you're going, instead of asking questions to everyone on the bus, including driver who's saying he doesn't know and we have to go. This while 5 lights change. Just kill me now with the stupidity you have with ubiquitous technology and resources around.

I Hate You

I fucking hate you. I hate you when you come to work. I hate you when you sigh. I hate you when you fall asleep at work. I hate you when you harass and annoy other office suites in the building (I know they don't like you - they told me). I hate that you still have a job when you should have been FIRED a long time ago. I. Fucking. Cannot. Stand. You.

You think I'm a bitch. Well, you are correct there. However, that's not why I hate you. I hate you because you are immoral (remember when you figured out a way to cheat the Post Office - yeah, it didn't work), lazy (falling asleep on the job or watching movies), always thinking of another get rich quick scheme (remember that one about manufactured homes??), creepy, and just not a good person. I've met your children. They park in disabled parking spots even though they are not disabled - just lazy. Like you. I wonder where they learned this type of behavior?

So please, before you do get fired, because it will happen, save yourself and save your face. Just quit. Go back to the scheming ways of always looking to make a quick buck. And when you are no longer employed here, I will do my happy dance, and think of you no more. Because I am pretty sure you are the world's biggest piece of shit.

Hurts Burger

January or February 2005. It was first period math. I was upset for a number of reasons. I was getting pretty deep into meth. Enough that my grades were slipping and my mom was getting pretty angry and in my face about. Because she was trying to help.
I sat in the back because I like to have a good view of my environment and I also like to avoid people. You sat at the back table next to me. I knew you were going try to talk about how your trumpet or "how i was doing"(like an asshole). I tried to think really loud 'please don't talk to me. Please don't talk to me.'
You barely made a sound, and I turned to you, said "STAB WOUND!" and stabbed you in the hand with my pencil. You got all upset and stormed out. You told the teacher you were going to the bathroom because I stabbed you. I was terrified I was going to be in trouble.
She just said, "good job.". I think she meant it.
Anyway, I know I've apologized in person, but I've always felt bad about it.

Right turn

Sometimes when I'm working, I walk out in front of the cars trying to make a right turn on a red light. They never seem to see the walk signal or the pedestrians trying to cross the street. If they do, they get upset because now they have to wait five or ten seconds.
Some of the drivers get mad. A few seem to understand.

Ignorant, Pot-Smoking Neighbors

To my ignorant, pot-smoking neighbors: my boyfriend and I moved to this apartment building because it is a NON-SMOKING building. You don't seem to understand that. I don't care what you're smoking, whether it's cigarettes, pot, meth, sage, or heroin - no smoking means NO SMOKING. We are currently reporting you to the management after we got fed up with the headaches, sore throats, and chest pains. If you want to smoke, move to a building that allows it. Just don't do that shit here.

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