Check out our hilarious I, Anonymous podcast!

I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

It's almost father's day, dad, time to pack it in

you are 83, you were a jerk to me a lot when i could have most used a dad to take pride in me and give me confidence instead of telling me i would never be what i thought you wanted me to be. You basically disowned me until i had kids and then you came sniffing around as if you deserved to join the party. I know lots of people probably say you are great, and will say you had success in life but i saw the other side of you, i saw a weak coward too self hating or gutless to put any stock in his own kid . Anyway i know you well enough to see how it is, more than anything you want to outlive me, I see it in all your health routines and your whistling past the graveyard. Well, may the best man win, i hope the 30 years you got on me is enough for me to piss on your grave.


Dr. Details

When my 55-year-old sister died suddenly in her sleep, you issued her death certificate without an autopsy. I'm sure that as her primary care physician, you had special insight into her health. However, you knew nothing about her death. You listed five *potential* causes of death and used terms like "maybe" and "could have" on the death certificate. What kind of a scientist are you?

Because your official death certificate made the county coroner wash his hands of a free autopsy, I had to pay three grand to get a private pathologist to tell me the actual truth: she had a heart attack. Looks like you were oh-for-five on the clairvoyance meter, Doc.

Next time you look into the fucking crystal ball they apparently issued you at the end of med school, I hope you see yourself STFU'ing and letting a grieving family learn the truth, without having to spend precious money and go through useless and agonizing speculation.

Oh, and nice work effing up the second death certificate and making me get it issued a third time, Dr. Details.


One day

You like to mock people, but you don’t like it when you get caught being a hypocrite. It’s happening a lot more now. You are horrible people. You think you act like you are liberal but you are really conservatives (and worse). Free speech means I can say shit about you and not get silenced. You have silenced my facts and let your lies only get published. Fucking pathetic.


is Paula Cole single?

but seriously, I turn 30 in October. I DID all the "you can't love someone else unless you love yourself" work. I made it. I love myself. I am my own source of happiness and contentment. Hooray! But now, I'd like to share that with someone else. I worked hard for this maturity and self-reliance. And not that it matters all that much but I got a nice ass and perky tits (gotta be just as good of a person on the inside as the outside) ((look at me, balancing like a true Libra...)) I excused myself from pointless relationships until I KNEW I was ready.
Well universe, I am ready.
Are you hiding in the corner of a bar? Sitting at home making a birdhouse? Are you right in front of me?
.
.
.
WHERE HAVE ALL THE LEZZIES GOOOOOOOOONE ? (sung to the tune of 'Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?')


And Stay Out

For the better part of a decade, you "did journalism" here that led much of the city to despise you. You mocked people who used public docks for boating. You mocked people who expressed concern about their rapidly changing city. You mocked a holiday lighting display solely because it brought other joy. You declared yourself an activist, but could only muster enough activism to get a tea shop to change its name. You made women write misogynist reviews, and you put traumatized men in situations where they'd not only be loathed, but further traumatized. Then you left to avoid firing squads and fight Nazis, or something. Now, you're looking back in anger. You've moved 2,000 miles away, but still yell at a basketball team that doesn't play in your town, at fans who live nowhere near you, and at "trolls" who you instigated. Your new city isn't giving you enough attention, so you're taking it out on Portland. This city moved on from you before you moved away from it, and it kills you. Stop looking back in anger and start enjoying life in your fourth time zone: Maybe you'll embrace it for more than two years without slandering it for the next five.


Fake Life Real Movie

Real life is so fake.
Real people so phony.
It like everything is done for attention, or it all going through the motions, utterly emotionless, without any passion, conviction or ferocity.

then I look at actors, supposedly acting, so it not real. Yet they have so much more real emotions in facial expressions, in eyes, in laughter, in crying to where I'm certain it is no longer acting, and truly a part of themselves that being portrayed.


I expected Portland to be a bike friendly town

I moved here years ago from a place that wasn't considered bike friendly in the least. There, people who rode bikes banded together like a family, trying to make the roads safe, volunteering at group rides, and welcoming everyone who wanted to ride. Even so, I was sick of being harassed by motorists and wanted to move to a place that was considered greener and friendlier. Portland has not been that utopia. Not only are motorists entitled and rude here (and not punished at all for endangering cyclists), I am even harassed by fellow commuter cyclists for being too slow. I'm so sick of the gatekeeping—only some people are allowed to be Portlanders, only some people are allowed to be cyclists, etc. Maybe Portland has a high percentage of people who commute on bicycles, but that doesn't make it bike friendly. Portland needs a transportation attitude change.


Y’All So Shallow

You are the one that ask my friend why she’s so skinny. She has no guts. She has a reconstructed vagina. Hypocrites.


Aliens Are Real

I have had 3 encounters with aliens, after which I promptly got 3 pshyc evaluations. My insurance refused to pay for the last one as the previous two deemed me "normal".
I have a "normal" life other than alien encounters which is why I can't talk to anyone abouf it. I tried a couple of times and it did not go over well. I could give a crap about being believed, I don't really WANT to tell unsuspecting people about my telepathic communication with alien beings that infiltrated my bedroom... But I do wish I had someone else who understands and has had contact with them too.
They told me they are interested in certain bloodlines and that they're fascinated by our primitive uses of technology and refusal to care for our fellow humans. The most life changing things that have ever happened to me make me feel isolated. Am I really the only one in Portland who's met them?


You Guessed Wrong

To the guy that congratulated me on my pregnancy,
I’m not pregnant. I was pregnant eight years ago and my body didn’t quite bounce back. Until you decided to “congratulate” me, a total stranger, I was actually feeling kinda pretty today. I just went to see a movie by myself for the first time and was enjoying the day. I told you it was shitty for you to say that to me and you said it wasn’t and walked away. I want you to know that you made me cry. I want you to know that I don’t have anyone to talk to about it because I’m too embarrassed. I want you to know that thoughtless remarks hurt and that you’re a straight up asshole and you owe me an apology. To the guy that congratulated me on my pregnancy,
I’m not pregnant. I was pregnant eight years ago and my body didn’t quite bounce back. Until you decided to “congratulate” me, a total stranger, I was actually feeling kinda pretty today. I just went to see a movie by myself for the first time and was enjoying the day. I told you it was shitty for you to say that to me and you said it wasn’t and walked away. I want you to know that you made me cry. I want you to know that I don’t have anyone to talk to about it because I’m too embarrassed. I want you to know that thoughtless remarks hurt and that you’re a straight up asshole and you owe me an apology.


To my supervisor

Dear clean and safe supervisor, who always is squeaky clean. I never met anyone as harsh as you. Women to women. Everyday I keep my head up and try to atleast make conversation with you, like hi how you doing? Or hey good morning how are you today? I try to suck it up and just do my job, yeah sometimes I take more breaks then usual. So I can ease my mind and come back into the peace I had before I started working here. And guess what I am not the only one doing it. I feel you only target me. And it really making me feel low so please stop it. Why did you hire me in the first place then? To ruin my self esteem? And the reply I get from you and your other guy friend is really bringing my anxiety back and really cruel and unfriendly. Maybe I am not a American women that's why you are racist to me. Women to women I am strong enough to still be friendly even though I am dying inside.


To the person who aggressively mowed my lawn

So i was kind of surprised when i came home and someone had mowed my lawn (and flowers?) and left the clippings all over the sidewalk. Portland is truly the most passive aggressive city on earth. Not everyone is a bored retiree with time to spend on their garden or a real estate flipper looking to unload properties to tech bro transplants. I've owned a home in this neighborhood for about 20 years and I really like my neighbors. Sure my yard was SLIGHTLY overgrown, but when i mow it i tend to sweep the sidewalk or rake. next time you need something to mow, please stick your face in the blades. Then maybe you won't have to look at your neighbors houses!


The Triangles Make A Circle in a Square Box

Your pizza sucks when I have to buy marinara and dip the pizza in.


But Her Pregnancy!

"But don’t worry," said Alabama State Senator Clyde Chambliss: “The egg in the lab doesn’t apply. It’s not in a woman. She’s not pregnant.” Oh, you say that you care about "life" and you incessantly prattle about "the babies" but we all know that you do not give two shits about children, their food, their welfare, their education, their safety, their air, their water — YOU DO NOT CARE ABOUT ACTUAL CHILDREN IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER. In fact, you send military operatives to rain bombs on cities that are teeming with living children — even pregnant women — and you sleep soundly at night because . . . (I don't know how you do it — feel free to enlighten me in the comments). We all know that whether you are a man or a woman, you believe in your heart that freedom is not for women. Drudgery and confinement is for women; freedom is for men. I loathe you all.


Little things

Me: “Hey boss, we’re out of hand soap”
Them: “I’ll get it in a bit”
An hour later, no soap, and I’m out. I quit. I walked. This has happened 3 times this year. If these jobs paid more, I’d carry my own soap. Sorry folks, I hope y’all don’t get sick this summer.