Portland Patio Pages

I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

that new sound you've been looking for

I remember it was middle school, maybe earlier. Our teacher was out sick, and we had a substitute filling in for us. Relegated to reading assignments a few students got bored and distracted then began to talk and act out. The substitute reminded us to raise our hands and ask questions but otherwise to respect each other's learning environments. A few students continued on with their talking and joke telling. The substitute then announced, "Fine, if you all are done with your readings, you're ready for the work sheets." and passed out the papers for us to complete. A few continued their talking and acting out. The substitute then announced, "Students, I know this may not seem important to you now, but the fact that all of you are together in this classroom represents years of struggle. When I was a child, I wasn't allowed in a classroom like this until myself and others fought for our education. We fought and won that right to education, so that the next generation, all of you here today, would be able to right the next wrongs of our society. And we are counting on you. So please raise your hand and ask questions if you need help, but otherwise please focus on your readings and finish your assignments." A few students continued on with their talking and joke telling. One of the few chortled, "Yes, that's correct, she fought for you to be here, so you better behave and act right, or you'll ruin it for the whole lot of you." The substitute responded, "That's incorrect young one, we didn't fight for one race or group of people to have the right to education, we fought so that all of you, even little shits like you, could learn together with each other."


I'm a decrepit old man. If you see me waiting to cross the street, and you slow your your racer to a rolling crawl, forcing me to hurriedly hobble across while you impatiently start revving four-banger cuz I'm not walking fast enough — fuck off, and drive on. I'd rather cross peacefully, without engaging in transactional anger with a nil-for-brains PIR wannabee who had a moment of street courtesy but then changed his mind. And yep, your plates often betray you as a likely Vantuckian. Enjoy your visit to the scrap metal buyer, meth dealer, titty bar, Harbor Freight, or wherever you stump jockeys go in Portland on your days off.

The World has gone Mad

I am angry! I am furious! I can't believe it.

I was just ticketed by a cop for parking in a handicap zone. They didn't care that I had a Mercedes Benz. They didn't care that I consider myself a citizen journalist. They didn't care that I've attended a protest in the past. They ticketed me and accused me of breaking the law.

They have gone too far now! Just because a sign says a parking spot is handicap parking, that doesn't mean it's only reserved for people with disabilities. It just means that normal people shouldn't park there.

Now I'm expected to show up to traffic court and go through something called due process. Which is a ridiculous fucking concept because everyone I already told on my twitter feed knows I'm innocent and would never break the law without a good reason or excuse.

Why can't the government just understand that the rules don't apply to me? I shouldn't be held to the same standards as everyone else. Why doesn't the cop and judge care about how many twitter followers I have? This is unfair. This is a crime.

I'm going to tweet out a picture of my car parked in the handicap parking spot and see if people on twitter think I should be held accountable. They say I shouldn't be held accountable because I'm popular.

Thank you, loves

I came out in the early-80s, just in time to see scores of friends and lovers die of a pandemic many viewed as the logical result of immoral living. I marched and agitated for rights many felt represented undeserved over-reaching. I lost jobs and was denied jobs because I was gay. I've been bashed and assaulted by men who fear and loathe all "others." I've seen political leaders hate and legislate against common decency and justice for queerfolk. I've watched reclaimed "gay neighborhoods" get colonized by straights and their spawn, while the bars, bathhouses, and dance clubs faded away. I've seen "A-List" gay men aggressively ignore the plight of homeless, addicted queers, while buying up Victorian fixers, Chinese babies, and Frenchies. I was restricted from being with my dying husband because I wasn't "family." I listen as entitled, privileged "long-term survivors" nobly award themselves special honors, while building barriers to compassion for newly-infected women and men. And I've been enriched and inspired by the countless bull dykes and lispstick lesbians who've fought for and cared for me and my brothers all along the way. Thank you, loves.

That delicious stank

I almost called out “you dropped something” as your mask fell and your door closed. When I saw it was you, I froze. You drove away and I walked over to where you were parked. There it was; it all it’s glory. Your most recent disposable mask. I quickly pocketed it into my coat and booked it home. Once home I showered and then slipped on a robe and then your mask as I sat in my recliner wondering what you had for lunch…Mmmm tabouleh?

When you come to the fork in the road

Everyone has the right to write their story. After everything we've been through together that's the very least we can do for each other. Reading is fundamental. Trust others to be who they are, don't dead name / slave name others or dishonor peoples with thoughtless tokens of recognition that overlook their fuller journey and accomplishments. Have as much fun as you can as much as you can. Keeping ourselves in places is hard enough, don't worry about putting others in theirs, they'll find out where they are sooner or later. When the chickens come home to roosts, they lay a lot more eggs. Always remember, consent isn't just key, its a requirement. Make-up on your Adam's apple will make it appear smaller. Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

Hey, It's going to be okay.

This is my message to you. These are very weird and very strange times we are in. I am not going to pretend that the goings on doesn't creep me out or make me uncomfortable at times.

I am hopeful and optimistic for our future. I am appreciative of what we have and at the same time respectful and cautious about what could happen next. We are working with a net.

Not everyone is okay right now and that's okay. You don't have to pretend that any of this is normal. Courage is not the absence of fear, it's the management of it. The nature of fear is overwhelming and reactive. We all are afraid of something. We all get overwhelmed. We are all reactive to our environments.

Many of us are scared and confused right now and we are all coping in our own way. I know things seem harder than ever and I am amazingly proud of you right now. You are doing much better than you think. You are doing well. We are getting through this.

After all we've been through, we can sometimes forget everything we've accomplished.

Make time for self-care. It's important. Give yourself permission to let go of hurtful ideas. Give yourself time outside away from your phone and electronics. Give yourself an opportunity to listen to birds signing sweet songs. Share your truth.

We are going forward. We are rooting for you. We got this.

Metastrophe Apostrophe Catastrophe and ME

Call my name, yeah, for quick reaction

My goodness woman. That smile means the world to me.
I'm terrified of how I feel about you every time you flash those pearly whites of yours. That's the scariest thing in the world to me right now.
The thought of you sinks me. You've conquered me with little more than words.
Turning me true with your turns of phrase.

Perhaps we will be reunited soon, once we've conquered this last bout with the virus.
Of course, we'll have other troubles once this latest madness is finally resolved.
Let the world have its troubles, I've found my treasure.
Only a few steps left to your door.

Monday Hate

It's hard to decide who I hate more; snowy plovers or dune buggy people. At first I usually am going to hate the stupid humans but,, plovers! That is a stupid bird, I have no sympathy for the plovers.

You People

You People need to check all your bath towels because that is where the spiders are trying to nest right now, especially the towels that are hanging in your bathroom.

Fuck your Christmas music.

It's that time of the year. Worst genre of music to ever darken the world is being unleashed with unholy fury. If the tides ever turn on the war on Christmas, please for fuck sakes kill the music first. The rabid consumption, consumerism and corruption of a religious event into a commercial venture is bad, but the music is torture.

My Goodness, We did it!

Okay, so you know that "wrong answers only" social media game that started awhile back... yeah... that was never supposed to be like a lifestyle thing. You were all totally allowed to go back to giving correct answers like as soon as you stopped commenting on the post.

Don’t face us

Guys, when you are on the shitter in the stall could you please stay in there until the room is empty? Just wait it out a minute would ya?
Nothing worse than seeing the actual face of the person who stank the place up in the mirror as I am washing my hands.


This year I'm thankful that the 3 shits who killed a jogger were found guilty.

Good Parenting and an American Hero

17 year old: "Mom, I know we live in Vancouver, but can I head to downtown Portland tonight? I just found out that a protest was declared a riot."

Mom: "Hmm... seems like a reasonable request. Yes, yes you can head to downtown Portland and engage with rioters. Not that it's really any of my business, but what will you be doing there?"

"Providing first aid."

"Wow! I really did raise you right! You taking your medi-kit then?"

"Yep! The really small one. I'm also going to arm myself with an AR-15 that a friend bought for me a few months ago because, as you know, I can't legally possess one in our state."

"This is all making a lot of sense. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? I'm proud of you son!"

"Thanks, mom! And just so you know, Mother's Day is coming up and I'm not saying I'm getting you a "Mother of the Year" coffee cup... I'm just saying....wink, wink."

"Aw, shucks! You be careful now at that riot in another city in another state and in the middle of the night. Watch your trigger discipline and whatever. I can't say enough how very, very proud of you I am... my little patriotic soldier!"

"Thanks mom... now off I go to a violent riot in the middle of the night happening in another city in another state armed with an AR-15 that I am not legally allowed to possess! I should be back around 3am, but don't hold me to that."

"I never do!"