I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

I thought this was why I moved to Portland...

Dear Portland,
I love you. I love all of your querks and weirdness. I love that I can have a million piercings and have bright colored hair and nobody bats an eye or thinks twice. It wasn't until I decided to accept a job in a nearby city that made me realize how much I love you. If a job is going to hire you when you apply with bright pink hair and piercings you'd think they'd mention company policy before offering you a job. But no this poor excuse for a company doesn't mention it until the day I start. Luckily I'll be back in Portland soon in a place that allows me to express myself. No amount of money is worth being miserable in a job that makes you afraid to be yourself.
Keep Portland Weird.

The Married Man

You threw me away like I was nothing. I slept with you for years. I believed your stories of travelling with me in the future. I was with you while your kids were growing up. Listened to you bitch and moan about family events.You never bothered to walk with me around the lake, tell anyone about me, celebrate any holidays with me. You sit in your big house, three blocks away from me and act like you never fucked me. Loved me. Well fuck you! I hope your wife finds out that you're a cheater. I was too good for you, all along.

Dear Passive-Aggressive Pottery Witch

Dear Passive-Aggressive Pottery Witch that I met at the art fair last weekend,
You claim to have an art degree on your website and claim to know fuck all about making coffee mugs, yet you fail to tell customers that your home-brew glaze is potentially toxic. I double-dog-dare you to tell customers what happens when they go home with their handmade soup bowl with the cheapo home-brew glaze and put it in the microwave or in the dishwasher. YOU FUCKING KNOW that it gets tiny cracks called crazing that allow yummy things like lead to seep into the food.
Then you have the nerve to act offended when someone like me who actually cares about customer safety asks you if you use commercial glaze, and what brand it is. I use Mayco or Amaco @ about 45-cents an ounce. It's a lot like buying top shelf vodka or weed.
EVERYONE in the ceramics industry knows what "lab-tested & certified food safe" means on the labels of commercial glaze and why it's important to not fucking poison your customers with home-brew cheapo glaze, or glaze that's not certified lab-tested.
I hope a house falls on you.

Just Get Over It

Just get over it! So you weren't born to the station of life to which you wish you were entitled. Give it a rest.
You could have been born elsewhere. If you were born in Afghanistan, or some other enemy country, you could have grown up playing "Dodge the Rocket."
So what if you live in a garbage strewn section of town. Just pick up some trash on your way to the bus stop.
Tired of being treated like a second class citizen? Start by acting classier.
I'd give you more hints for a happy life, but my medication is starting to kick in.

My Sincerest Gratitude

I'm a multi-millionaire and I came to this "chat room" because I wanted to express my sincerest gratitude to you people. We all voted for Trump to Make America Great Again or whatever it was, and with this recent tax cut, it's going to get exceedingly great.

I had my accountant run the numbers for next year and it looks I stand to make approximately $68,000 with this tax cut. I know the average tax cut for someone making under $20,000 is about $50, but it's all relative, isn't it? I think I heard something about buying a membership at Castco or some other low-income bulk food store. That's awesome for you!

With all this "fun" money coming my way, I wanted to express my gratitude by giving a gift to all of you:

I promise to donate $100 to the re-elect Trump campaign under the name of "The Forgotten Men and Women" as a thanks to each and every one of you.

Please, continue to vote Republican so that we can continue to Make America Great Again or whatever the catch phrase was. I shall bid adieu now so that you all can get back to work in the coal mines or whatever it is you people do.

Thank you for the tax cut, we at the top really can use it.


Dear UPS Drivers

The residential streets of our neighborhood, like so many others in Portland, are incredibly narrow, without sufficient room for two way traffic. So when your lazy ass stops, in the middle of the fucking street (despite there being, *right* next to you, a spot several times the length of your truck), don't look at me like I'm the asshole for trying to squeeze around the hazardous situation you're creating. Putting on your hazard lights isn't actually a substitute for parking. ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE IS NO FUCKING SHORTAGE OF PARKING.

Jobless or Malingerer?

There's a dude that I see working at a convenient store, without a foot/leg and 2 crutches, as the cashier. I sees him on pubic transit too.

There's this other dude, living a few blocks from my house, that limps to the corner store. He does this everyday. He doesn't work. He's doing work in his yard. He's doing work to cars. He does chores.

This is all I say, if you are able, you can get a job.


Pretty low on motivation and self confidence today.
The usual.
I feel like I'm stuck here.
Got a birthday in a couple weeks.
I don't celebrate my birthday. There's very little to celebrate.
Maybe the boss buys us a house. I'm worried about the paperwork involved.
I think when they see me, it's focus, skill, and confidence. Luck.
I see a guy who loses everyday just trying to keep a good face.
It's 5:40pm. So far, I've eaten some turkey slices. There's food in here somewhere. It just looks like dirt and seeds. But it's food though. That's what they tell me.

Valentines Day Psychos

Happy Valentine’s Day, now tap into your dark side.

Take a moment to look at those freshly cut flowers and ponder the similarity of a serial killer and horticulture lover.

Every year we violently slice the tender stems of roses on this ritualistic day just as they reach their prime. Then we take said flowers and place them on our dinner table and morbidly smile and smell them over a fresh meal. Letting them slowly decay.

The truly sadistic grow said flowers in their own garden from a little tiny seed nurturing them gently with love. For these people the power of killing is not enough, they need to watch and wait for the opportune moment to use the corrosive free yellow hand-held guillotine via the hardware garden department.

The truly scary botanist killers keep the flowers on life support via a clear vase full of water, slowly watching their demise day by day. Perhaps maniacally laughing gently over a glass of wine enjoying life while watching the roses slip away. The truly disturbed even scatter the decapitated petals through the house leading to the bedroom to commit vile acts on said remains. Just buy candy.

Just Hanging Around

It's a cool notion to be "just chilling" or "just hanging out." Nothing to do, nowhere to be. You could do it anywhere, at the beach, the park, the street corner, the library, the grocery store, the stadium, the welfare line, etc. But, I tell you, all these losers I see everyday, with what I know is nothing but time to kill and time on their hands is astonishing and infuriating. There is no time to kill. If you have time to kill, you aren't using time wisely. People make fun of people that can't wait a few minutes for something. That is because that is a few minutes I could be doing something more enjoyable, productive, and gratifying than waiting. People do it for hours and hours each day. People do it just standing there on corners, staring at walls, staring at screens, smoking cigarettes, standing, waiting, hanging around. Well, lucky you. For me, if I'm not working, I sure as all fucking hell don't have the time to stand in lines for food, the new phones, the new movies. I have zero time to wait around 30 minutes for a bus to come. 30 minutes that could be spent doing something, while Care Free Kim and Tracy walk back and forth, watching life go by, smoking cigarettes in mesmerized thoughts on their phone until a babe walks or police car disrupts their deep thoughts. I sure as all fucking hell don't need to spend any time hanging at some library or going shopping when I have so much things to do at home that can occupy my time for the rest of my life. People wonder why they have unfinished lives?

Modern Gay Dating

Just curious how a gay guy is supposed to go about modern dating when everyone is replaceable, everyone thinks Mr. Right is around the next swipe, guys are afraid of commitment, cheating is easier than ever now, and yet we all are lonely. How are you supposed to find someone when the odds seem against you?

This is Crazy

I just read and was shocked at the information the CDC provided regarding sexual and physical violence. I don't hear about men being raped or physical violence being committed against them because NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT.

Before some of you ramble on and on about "fuck your men's rights bigotry" attitude, this is a FACT-BASED study. Don't be the left's version of a "FAKE NEWS!" whacko.

I'm not saying more women don't get raped or physically abused, we all know this to be true. But, the problem seems more widespread than I ever knew. There are literally millions of men being raped or physically abused. MILLIONS.

Yes, let's continue to talk about the real dangers women face, and let's continue to support the METOO movement. But, is there not enough room to talk about the millions of other victims dealing with the same type of violence and abuse? Just because they're male we're going to ignore their plight, pretend it doesn't exist or mock it?

Examples: "About 1 in 5 women (19.1%or an estimated 23 million women) have experienced completed or attempted rape at some point in their lives."

"Completed or attempted rape was experienced at some point in life by 1.5% of men or an estimated 1,692,000 men in the U.S. About 1 in 17 men (5.9% or an estimated 6.8 million men) were made to penetrate someone else at some point in their lives."

Source: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/NISVS-StateReportBook.pdf

Hot boxing on the Max

Sometimes the smell of weed on the train bugs me. It’s not a BAD smell, but sometimes it’s so strong it makes me dizzy. And it’s usually worse on my afternoon commute than in the mornings.

I gotta quit leaving work at 4:20.

The Rudeness Must End

I went to Chipotle the other night for an easy dinner. I feel like it’s an unspoken known thing that there’s pretty much always a line at chipotle and you just go knowing that. As expected, the line was out the door. When I was finally just a few people back from “burrito or bowl”...I heard a woman start screaming at the worker. Out of curiosity and confusion I started ease dropping. Apparently, she was upset because an online order was being made before hers. I wanted so badly to speak up and tell her to stop being so horrible and rude, but I didn’t. The workers handled it so well in my opinion. After they obliged the woman and hurried her burritos along...she got to the register and said she didn’t have her wallet and stormed off. They were just going to give it to her for free but she didn’t even wait long enough to listen.

My issue here is that people think it’s appropriate to treat customer service folks like complete garbage because of what? Your burrito took a little too long? I’m sorry, but if that’s the worst problem in your world...I think you’re doing pretty good. These folks probably make barely over minimum wage and are doing the best they can given a constant hours long train of customers.


The Deep State Conspiracy is in full-effect. Trump went to DC. to fix things, but after the Deep State brainwashed him by tainting his cheeseburgers, he is now a zombie of the left. Our chances of Making America Great Again are diminishing by the day.

The Deep State Hillary/Obama Conspiracy is taking over the country. The Deep State Hilary/Obama FBI/DOJ/Pelosi Conspiracy is as old as time immemorial, installed by ancient lizard people of yore and is running the New World Order.

Yes, The Deep State Hilary/Obama FBI/DOJ Pelosi/Comey/Mueller Conspiracy is now in charge. We must prepare and plan, but not panic. When the new civil war rages onto the streets, know who your enemy is, know who the lizard people are, and take care of your family first and foremost.

The Deep State Hilary/Bill/Obama FBI/DOJ Pelosi/Comey/Mueller Democratic Left-Wing Conspiracy is NOW!

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