Portland Patio Pages

I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Y'all drinking dumb Funk Juice.

At what point do restaurant owners get you need to change. Same ads. Same low wages. Same BS. Same arrogance. If you can't pay us decent and run your place solo. CLOSE. Your business isn't a right. And it surviving at our expense is gonna stop.

Portland is like Woodstock

It used to feel like the 1969 edition. Now it feels like the 1999 edition.


CNBC just released the 15 most affordable states for Millennials.


I am jumping up and down with glee. No offense to any Millennial currently living here or reading this. I'm just excited that 1000's more aren't going to be flocking back here again. We don't have any place to put them.

Good movies are inkblots

They don't tell you how to feel or what to think. They just show you a serious of events or even just images. What you see and how you interpret it is just a reflection of your own understandings about life and your own mind. I mean, true, things get dramatized or highlighted. Or even the fact that certain images or subject matter get shown in the first place tell you something. So maybe movies aren't just inkblots. Are there even any truths to be found in movies? I don't know..


Go fuck yourself. I hate people that say "umm". Seriously, get help. And also, why the fuck would anyone hire a dumbfuck that says "umm"? You, sir, are the Dumbfuck, for perpetuating stupidity and mediocrity, if you can even call "umm" that. Fuck you people.

Keep watch on the Sinister

Sinister literally means left handed.

When someone's shaking their right hand in the air, crying about something... check to see what they're left hand is doing. It's the sinister one and will usually show their true motivation.

I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure..

I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure.. that my cell phone was forged in the depths of Mordor. I mean, I constantly feel the burden of its presence. Even when I'm not using it, it calls to me. It always knows where I am. It wants me to pick it up. To give in. To give it my energy. It's almost irresistible. And I do. Always a struggle it is to be using it. And to not let it be using me. Is there a big black mass somewhere out there in space? Growing larger day by day? Stuffed full of all our life force? We must find Bruce Willis. Elijah, Milla, and Bruce. And I guess Sean too. Lord knows we all could use a Sam. Anyways, best of luck to you with your one ring. See ya out there. This one's for Frodo.


Toxic, toxic, toxic. I just want to make sure you hear this word; toxic. Because I don't think you've heard it enough. This freakin' word. TOXIC!!! t's getting used toxically. That's what it's become. Not about a clear or specific situation, environment or even idea. It in of itself has become it's own meaning. Which, quite frankly, it always was. The meaning is toxic. Just like this post.

Fucking Tourists!

Most of the police don’t live in Portland

Most of the people they arrest at protests don’t live in Portland

Most of the people complaining about Portland don’t live in Portland

Are we just the cosplay capital of the world now?

Thieves in the night.

I was headed out today and started my street parked 2007 Prius. Old story right? Some group lifted my front end and cut out my Catalytic Converter at night, to scrap for a few hundred dollars. I guess if you steal hundreds or thousands of them, hey, it's a living? The mechanics and automotive industry makes legitimate money on parts and labor repairing the damages. Sometimes from fully covered insurance, but for the most part probably out of pocket. And now they make cages and metal plates to deter the theft. Scrap and recycling companies make a buck on recycling the metal. I guess it's probably better to put the 2000 or so towards another car rather than repairs, you'll probably just swing by with that sawzall again. I would have rather you held me up for a few hundred than the inconvenience you caused around me just trying to get to work for my livelihood...It was good I lost all hope or faith in humanity long ago, I won't feel anything next trip to the DMV.

Hey Patriot Front dudes.

Instead of defacing public murals with your racist bullshit in the dark of night, and then racing home to your mom's basement to check your Twitter feed and jack off, I invite you to come to NE MLK and N. Failing in broad daylight, singly or in a group, with your paint cans and pretty outfits, and we'll have us a nice chat. Cowards lurk in the dark. True patriots stand up to injustice in the light of day. See you there soon, little boys. Big kiss.


Love (most) everything about your station. Awesome DJs and programs, especially funk and soulful strut. But when you play "Dixie," like you did Saturday evening, I cringe and reach for the dial.

Red Rover, Red Rover

It's always interesting to see the lengths people will go to preserve their own personal status quo, no matter how harmful that status quo may be to themselves or others.

It can be difficult to take a hard look at ourselves and how we are behaving toward each other. It's even more difficult for those among us who have a personal and public responsibility to make objective decisions on behalf of our community. I don't believe any decision is ever 100% objective, but its honestly uprising to see so many people fail to cover their own ass when its comes to obvious bias and conflicts of interests.

My first instinct was to call these people cowards, but that's no where near accurate, these are brave people who can be proven to know better yet keep making choices contrary to their personal self-interest. It might be vanity, or hubris, I'm not as telepathic as I used to be so its hard to say. But its so frustrating to watch those with power and influence continue to choose a path of petty games and bickering rather than follow the example of Dr. King and others to find a way to build bridges and unite our communities.

Perhaps Good Will has truly left this city. I don't see anyone stepping up to take on the overt corruption happening in our city and our politics. I had some hope for the DA, but it's more than clear he's already been compromised by corrupt interests across the spectrum. And don't even get me started on all the things this city's journalists are declining to investigate their friends for or choosing to publish...

A couple a half million here, half million there.

I wonder: are all the hundreds of thousands of dollars money-strapped Portland pays to settle against PPB killings and abuse built into its annual budget — along with huge police overtime costs? Should be, since we'll likely be paying for bad cops' misdeeds for years to come.

You Surprised me Portland

I used to be a reader of this column but could not bring myself to do it for the last year, concerned that the usual negativity would be too much. For some reason tonight I am reading these and wow, so relieved that they're thoughtful and not petty. Funny and caring. You surprised me, Portland. With a little bit of hope I didn't expect to find. I still hate this town and the rudest fucking drivers and the goddamn ugly modern housing (black houses are the gauged ears of architecture; both look like cat's butt holes) and our overwhelming homeless problem and the hideous California fashion influence and the rent that made it impossible for my friends to stay, and the boutiques called Bird and Bone, Feather and Stone, Wiener and Moan etc etc etc.