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The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Your new life

“Hey, aren’t you?”
“Your uber driver?yes”
“You look a lot like ____, you get that ever?”
“Yeah, sometimes, I’m sorry to disappoint you though”.

Then we went on to talk about favorite coffee, music, food and vacation spots. As the drive went on, I became aware it was you, and I was glad you turned the conversation towards where it went. I got to know you as the cool real person you are, not the one I jacked off to daily for 4-5 years. I’m glad you are doing well and have decided to move here; this town needs more real people like you.
Full disclosure though, i found my fav vid online and had a good time once I was home for old time sake.


3rd party candidate for president in 2020. Anyone interested in thinking outside the tribes?

This Shit Getting Real

A vote for republicans is a vote for a fucking shooting. Tell yo stupid auntie.

Sweat, sweat & tears

I go about my day every day feeling like the sweatiest person in the city. I am constantly checking everyone’s butts and pits to see if there are any kindred, sweaty spirits out and about. I bike everywhere and normally wear all black, so I have somewhat of an excuse but I am tired of showing up to every occasion with a sweaty back and butt! How does everyone else seem to stay so dry? Please, I need some answers and a towel.

Can I at least get a free beer?

You two used me as a scapegoat to get paid a nice amount. At some point I’m going to talk. It would of been nice to have some acknowledgement of what I sacrificed for the both of you. But you ended being dicks.
Acknowledgment is nice, beer is good, but helping me learn more about this job is the best.
Neither of you did any of that.
You are nice people, but this is fucked up. This is something you should be ashamed of.

Hey, Portland Adult Soapbox Derby fans, yeah, you!

So you went to Derby! And bought a t-shirt! And didn't leave all your fucking garbage on the hill! And you watched your lunatic neighbors race down the hill like chumps stuck in gravity's pull! And had a "good" time! You had a beer! Smoked some herb! And ate some "cart" food. You sat in the "sun" and supposedly "enjoyed your neighbors company."

You're part of the reason why we do this thing we do, and we appreciate you making Portland Adult Soapbox Derby such a great, local community built , backed and attended event.

Hail SOAP!

When will men stop telling me what to do?

Hey "helpful" dude in the trader joe's parking lot, it is legal in Oregon to wear headphones while driving, douche bag. I'll bet you moved here from California. What went through your mind when you decided to scold me about wearing earphones, I'll never know. I really wonder if you would have done that if I were a man. And I am positive you would not have. The same way all the men who decide to take it upon themselves to tell me how to manage my car, or my bike, or my fucking helmet. Listen! I am an adult human being. I do not need your permission to go through life making my own choices about wearing earphones or not. And a big fuck you to all of the men that decide it is your god given right to tell a woman what to do. When you tap your ear with a disapproving look at a 250lb man, get back to me and we'll talk. But for now, go fuck yourselves.

Quit It Creeps!

Please stop taking creepshot pictures of women. It's exhausting. In every possible place and setting it happens. I literally am afraid to bend over and not at the waist anymore because I've seen reddits and tumblers and instas full of "candid" photos. One of which to my surprise was a randomly stumbled upon photo of MY ass in shorts along with my 17 YO SISTER you fucking perverts! If I ever catch one of you doing it to anyone I will smash your GD phone, damn the consequences.
Go watch some porn or pay a sex worker, IDGAF just stop being fucking creeps.

I’ve Seen Them

At first I was dumbfounded as to how you people aren’t fucking without the use of devices and apps. But then I got to know you.

White Gangs

Why exactly do we allow white gangs to come to our town to start fights, sometimes with a permit? Who is doing the terrorizing? The people coming to Portland from all over the country or the cities own residents? I may not agree with Antifa's tactics, but they aren't doing anything until a group of angry white gang members comes to town to hold a rally.

Hey Portland (and tourists), I love you, but..

Hey Portland, I love you, but could you please come up with some better questions to ask me other than the following: 1.) "What do you do (for work)?" I really don't feel like talking about my crappy job with you, not to mention the fact that that's kinda an insensitive question to ask considering how many of us here are involved in some kinda sex work which is a subject that you really don't seem like you could handle with much maturity and/or respect. (2) "Why'd you move to Portland?" Uhhh, I moved here over 10 years ago? And quite frankly I don't even remember anymore, but again, most of us escaped a shitty former life that we'd rather not discuss with the likes of a stranger. Other than that, I moved here for the same reasons that virtually every other freakin' transplant moves to this city. 3.) "What kinda music do you listen to?" What do I gotta listen to only one genre of music? What do expect me to say other than, "I listen to everything"? "I ONLY listen to Reggae and only Reggae?" I'm a normal human being who listens to whatever happens to touch my soul at whatever particular moment I happen to be listening to music. So in the future, can you please try to be a little bit more thoughtful when you randomly inquire about the life of a complete stranger? I have faith in you, and if all else fails, just stick to talking about the weather.

Not Progressive

The longer I live here, the more and more toxic Portland seems to me. Despite its so-called progressivism, it is not progressive. It is expensive. It is privileged. It is extremely inequal. The people are selfish, hateful, and uncaring. Everyone is angry. Traffic and congestion just keeps getting worse and worse. It is insular, exclusive, and unwelcoming. Just because a bunch of social maladroits take up the banner of progressivism does not make them truly progressive. True progressivism is based upon kindness, respect, good manners, and care for one's community. Portland has very little of this. This is progressivism for ME first out here. The thing Portlanders lack most is emotional intelligence. I don't care how many books you've read. If you can't treat your fellow human beings with basic decency and consideration, you are just as bad as anyone.

Shoes in Bed

We met on tinder and exchanged texts for weeks before we met up for brunch. You didn't have much to say but seemed nice and we had been talking for a while. And we both agreed Portland is full of people who just want to get laid but neither of us wanted that.
So I invited you over. I showed you around the house and you insisted we go to my room. So we did. And then you gently pressured me to have sex with you. I kept refusing until you decided to leave... And then I noticed it... You wore your f***ing dirt-covered shoes in my bed the whole time. In my bed with white sheets.

I've never been happier to have someone ghost me.

BYEEEEE good luck ever getting laid wearing your f***ing shoes to bed.

Also might be difficult since you are the definition of an asshole.

Thank you for your warm smile.

Outside of OHSU 3303 SW Bond Ave. early afternoon on Tuesday I was waving to my Uber driver to show him where I was. When I turned you were looking right at me and gave me this huge, genuine, lovely, warm smile. It was so very welcome that day. You have no idea how much that smile meant to me.

I'm a transwoman and know I don't always pass so I tend to expect, well, nothing like that smile, much the opposite in fact. Thank you so much for it!

BTW, you were lovely in that belted jumpsuit. Like the epitome of Summer sunshine.

You're An Idiot

You've been asked to schedule when you're gonna use the building. I've asked you nicely. Other people have asked you. It's gone completely ignored and disrespected. Your response to me was, "I never know I'm coming until the minute I decide." Wow, you fly by the seat of your pants. Such bullshit. Let's admit you're a priviledge and entitled asshole. Youre a volunteer and a member so that's why but that's no excuse. Its the same thing every week. I'm so sick of seeing your face. Do you not understand that when you show up unannounced it affects the staff who have to function in the building where we rely on the CALENDAR of events? But you dont care. And you'll never change. For that I fuck with all the things you work on. I leave tissues on the desk you work at. I disorganize everything you just organized. What if someone is using the space ahead of you and already signed up for it? This might be the answer... just last week as i was doing my job and you showed up unannounced, you said, "i can leave if you want?" Why would you go anywhere without previous planning to be sure its okay? Why would you go anywhere only to have to leave? That explains alot of your time too. You're an idiot. I wish I could show up at your house at 3 am.