Portland Patio Pages

I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Mountains need names

Every time I come home on 26 and see the 'Coastal Range' I can't help but be in awe of their beauty especially on a clear sunny day when they are a blue, finely shaped landscape made that much more sublime by their distance and unreachability in the western horizon. But why are they merely called the 'coastal range'? That's so banal. I've taken to calling them something else. I call them the Petunia Apples. One, because they need an actual name, not some bland geographical description that says nothing except where they are. Secondly, Petunia Apples sounds better, even if it is poetical nonsense. Petunia Apples doesn't have to make sense, because really, the wondrousness of mountains seen from a distance don't really need to make sense, they are prior to sense. That's the definition of sublime. Anyways, I could care less if what I call them catches on, though I recommend renaming them yourself, or officially, to something else...

A Very Reasonable Neighbor

Your cat frequently trots by my house with dying wildlife in his jaws, which is upsetting. I knocked on your door, introduced myself, and asked to speak to you about the murder-cat in a calm and respectful manner. Did you tell me your name? No. You said that I had no right to “lecture” you because I have two children (implying, I guess, that I have a higher carbon footprint than you do). If you should be forced to walk around noticing that children exist, my family should be forced to watch your cat torture wildlife. That’s a pretty damn half-assed analogy, since I wasn’t disputing your right to have a pet cat. I like your little ogre! He's very friendly! I was asking if you could find a way to exercise your beast that wasn’t harmful to those in your immediate vicinity. If my children ever poop in your yard or torture kittens in front of your house, please let me know and I’ll put a stop to it.

Later, you and your friend walked by my house twice, holding cocktails, and you made it a point to say hello to my kids. Did you perhaps feel a tad bit funny about telling me you wish they didn’t exist?

Here, have some schadenfreude

You know all those posts from a little over a year ago of couples glowing about having the best pandemic buddy ever while they biked around the city in matching masks?

Yeah, those couples were me.

You'll be thrilled to hear the whole soul mate thing was donezo in a little less than three months. The next two months were malfunctioning roller coasters. Then shit went south and got ugly.

Turns out you maybe shouldn't move in with someone who says all her exes are villians, her cashier doesn't smile sincerely enough (in a pandemic WHAT?!) and that none of her friends ever really get her.

The lease can't come up fast enough. She scares me.

You're welcome.

a smile that won't wash away

I got some good news today.

They won't tell me who did it, but the people looking into things now say they have confirmed who all was involved in dosing me last year.

I feel a lot of things about this.

I don't enjoy being reminded of those events, its always a bit painful to think about being in such a vulnerable state. But that's not exactly a choice I have anymore, this is part of my life now and for better or worse I need to find a way to cope with being reminded over and over again about this for the next couple years.

I'm not excited about The State being involved, I honestly I wish I could just dose them back, punch them in the face and call it even, but I was told that's not how things work in a civil society.

I'm also a bit delighted, as more and more of the "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK WAS THAT" becomes uncovered, it's nice to feel like my efforts were in someway validated.

at the moment, I'm begrudgingly content with not knowing who did the deed, it's wise not to give us that information.

I wonder if its the same people who spiked that city official's drink around the sometime last year? Considering all the other goings-on else it'd be a very curious coincidence to be unrelated.

Is this too personal of a rant? I would have just written a poem about my ass zits, but someone else beat me to it.

The early bird certainly gets the word on that one.

May God's love be with you.

After Mother's Day

We need an official Mother's Day Off.

Once a week would be perfect but we'd settle for the day after we eat all those f*ing awful breakfasts.

Make us a messy card, burn up our toast, and then make us a hotel reservation. Byeeeeeee!

Take that

Dear Asshole boss. You fucked around with my schedule and now you will find out. If you are going to give me 2 clopens a week, I’m going to dry wipe my ass with your mask.


Careful walking in downtown Portland sidewalks, people. Alot of structures? Likely newspaper stands or something have been taken away leaving an exposed bolt stuck in the concrete sticking out only a mere inch above ground but plenty tall to cause some tripping.
I watched a lady trip and fall, and through the accident receive a nasty gash on her leg where I eventually called 911. EMS came and put a cone. Cone is long gone and these stumps are all over the city, if you look for them. I even tripped on one the other day not seeing it because it was a little dark. It wasn't a bad trip and I didn't fall, but that one inch stump is tall enough that it could cause major damage to someone especially if you aren't looking at the ground where you walk thinking some one inch bolt is protruding from the ground that could make you trip.

Ass Zit

Whyfore thee be thy ass zit?
Why thou cometh on this day I am fit?
Tightly, tanned, toned, tush
Shaved and smooth, but redness you push.

Compress, ingress, destress
Nevertheless my ass will impress

Class Creation At Its Finest

Look out Portland, we have been doing the Simon says with our Seattle freeze neighbors, and they are starting to promote segregation out there. Washington wants people (who let's be real, are largely working class) to sit separately and use separate entrances over vaxx status. As a Marxist who loves science, I don't see how this isn't just political abuse. What next? We send them to a ghetto with stars on their jackets so we can tell them apart? Tell them to sit at the back of the bus? Am I the only vaxxed person who finds this kind of political segregation dehumanizing? I am afraid of anyone crazy enough to justify this. I got a vcxx to protect those with autoimmune so I won't get them sick, and segregation defeats the point of the vaxx. No matter what weird or ridiculous choices people make, I will never support ANY kind of fascism. I can only imagine how great "Portland installs segregation" will look. Stay human, folks. No more class division!

Oh, You Think THAT"S A Problem?

I somehow just got a bunch of pitch in my pubes! NOT FUCKING FUNNY!!!!!!!

Whatever happen to predictability

I’m fucking exhausted by all this bullshit.

I’m tired of the constant lies.

Trump didn’t win the election.
Antifa isn’t a real.
The war has come to Ba Sing Se.

Anyone who tells you different is trying to sell you something.

They are not even decent lies anymore, it’s just a steady stream of increasingly absurd bullshit constantly output to seemingly measure how much control these liars have over their followers.

It’s hard to remember how blue the sky is when all you see is grey.

It’s inevitable that at some point some narcissistic egomaniac in the near future we will arrive at the complaint that the CIA and the FBI somehow entrapped local activists into violating federal laws in collaboration with anarchists and members of the Police Union who are open about their unprofessional connections to white supremacist terrorists.

Yeah… cool story bro, but I fully expect even more in incredibly ridiculous things to be said.

Are those cattle mutilations even real?

How about instead of engaging in these political “leaders” narcissistic delusions we clean house and set a new table for everyone?

How Do You Know You're In Portland?

The City sends you an Arts Tax Bill when there were no arts or school in the past year - When the car in front of you initiates the turn signal WHILE turning - When a sign in front of a house reads "Eradicate White Non-Pluaralism" - (Please....) - When groups of morons congregate downtown and smash windows for no good reason - (Six months ago was a different story) - When someone trying to cut you off because THEY are in a blocked lane gets angry and honks because you didn't allow it - When people cross the street into oncoming traffic BECAUSE THEY CAN - (At least we don't have to put up with "Keep Portland Weird" sticker anymore because this place is just becoming another weak representation of more interesting West Coast cities like Seattle, San Francisco and LA)

Gravel Town

How much longer must the weather be consistently nice before PBOT takes the initiative to sweep away the gravel littering our sidewalks and bike lanes?

The snow/ice storm necessitating the gravel happened over 80 days ago. Fix it fix it fix it fix it fix it fix it fix it.

Forgive me Fxxx Sxxxx Corps

for not using your wonderful
Machine whilst you happened to be open
was that Eastern Standard Time
but I had raw meat on my hands

and an unfathomable and/or entirely missing set of directions. Why do you despise your Clientele? (while right behind your Shareholders) are we not your (second-) biggest Asset?

oh and thnx for routing and re-routinig me for one minute and 45 seconds before inviting me to call back during normal (mtn. time?) business hours. I was forced to suck the air out (orally) and I think I got most of it but is raw turkeyburgher very good for you? how 'bout for Me? dying to hear from you.


it started a few weeks ago. the sun was out, high in the sky, a perfect day. I suddenly needed a latte, lite sugar, and I needed it fast. nothing too out of the ordinary. the barista was there, and was taking their time to get to my order...I remembered all of my days in food service, how I used to be a good employee who knew how to hustle politely and efficiently, and a surge suddenly rushed into my jugular. my third eye flashed with a sudden blinding insight of "how to do things because it is your job", blinding my otherwise usual sense of bleeding tolerance and peace. I woke up, phone in hand, and on the other side, the voice of a manager. has age and wisdom done this to me? was I poisoned by one too many bags of dog poop on hiking trails, one too many comments about the failing education system?
guys. I'm scared. who have I aged into? what...have I become? get...get off...my...parking space-!