If you grew up watching the same cartoons I did, then you will no doubt agree that Super Friends super-SUCKED. Even as a wee diaper-dumper, I had the aesthetic wherewithal to recognize that the half-baked rendition of the Justice League comic books was as exciting as a bag full of monkey paste.
The main problem with the series? An abhorrent lack of fistfighting. The show debuted in the '70s, when television networks were run by a bunch of stinking, grass-huffing hippies who were too busy reminiscing about sticking flowers into the rifles of the National Guard to remember the most necessary component in all Saturday morning cartoons: a little thing called "violence."
Unlike earlier cartoons where evil villains would try to blow up the Earth with cleverly constructed death rays (and subsequently get their asses beat up and down the street by a muscle-bound hero in an erotically tight uniform), Super Friends portrayed "evil" not in black-and-white terms, but shades of gray. Usually, the villain was a Misunderstood Scientist who was trying to make it rain in Ethiopia, and then mucked up the weather for the rest of the world. And did this scientist get an ass-beating for making the Super Friends clean up after his shit? NO, HE DID NOT! At best, he got a holier-than-thou scolding from that red-and-blue prissy pot Superman, and was sent on his merry way! WHAT UP WITH THAT??
Do we really want our children taught that even supervillains have "the best of intentions"? What if some insane sicko was coming after your kid with a shovel? Do you want your kid thinking, "Hmmm well, it is Arbor Day. Maybe he wants me to help him plant a tree!" NO, YOU DO NOT! You want YOUR kid to karate-chop that creep right in the neck, crush that shovel into dust with his super-grip, fly the sociopath to the nearest police station, hang him from a street lamp wrapped in webbing, and leave a note stapled to his goddam forehead that reads, "Crime doesn't fawking pay!"
And besides that, Aquaman was a useless dick. Now, I'm sorry, but I can't respect any superhero who has to ask a flounder to do all his dirty work!
Okay. I could go on and on all day about this topic (and I WILL, to those unfortunate enough to be sitting nearby), but I actually have some news hidden deep within this vitriolic rant about a 25-year-old cartoon. There is going to be a NEW version of Super Friends coming out this fall on the Cartoon Network called Justice League, and it's going to be chock full of the ass-whomping that supervillains rightly deserve!
The show will be produced by Bruce Timm, who, as most animated geeks know, created the revamped Superman and Batman cartoons on the WB. And happily, Timm will be kicking out all the dead weight, and sticking to the heroes who count: Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman (woo-woo!), the Flash, Green Lantern (the brother--not the honky), Martian Manhunter, and Hawkgirl. Timm is also famous for screwing around with the characters, and says if Aquaman (that DICK!) returns, he might even be a VILLIAN! And you know what THAT means hee, hee, heeeeeeeeee!
So three cheers to Bruce Timm for rescuing the Justice League from the dumper and putting "violence" back where it belongs--on kids' TV! (And while we're at it, thanks for the opportunity to see Aquaman get a flounder shoved up his fish-stinking crack.)
