Let me tell you what's stupid about Star Trek. (I know, I know… kicking a show that's been cancelled is like challenging a quadruple amputee to a breakdancing competition. But what can I say? I'm an awesome breakdancer.) Star Trek is stupid because they barely ever have sex. Yes, blowing the shit out of aliens is fun, but if I were on Star Trek, I'd be banging every moon doll in sight (as well as the occasional Centaurian beefcake… 'cuz that's the way I SWING, yo!).

And then after I've banged everybody onboard--including the ugly-ass Klingons--I'd slip into the holodeck and dream up some new booty to bang. Jessica Alba? BANG! Mrs. Young, my fourth-grade teacher? BANG! David Hasselhoff (pre-Baywatch)? BANG! The Bush twins in bed with the Olsen twins? BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! See? On the holodeck, the banging potential is endless… and you don't even have to get them drunk! And yet on Star Trek, 90 percent of the sweet ass in outer space goes to waste. It's a goddamn travesty, I tell ya!

That's why Star Trek is wack and the new version of Battlestar Galactica is the crack! Based on the crappy show from the '70s, the updated Galactica is starting its second popular season this Friday, July 15, at 10:00 p.m. on the Sci-Fi Channel. And while most space operas feature sexless drips and four-eyed nerds hopping around the cosmos, Battlestar Galactica keeps it dirty, real, and most importantly, SEXY.

In this version, legions of uppity Cylon robots are invented to serve the people of the planet Kobol. However, after a botched uprising, these buckets of bolts learn to evolve--becoming more devious than ever. They're faster, sleeker, stronger, and can even imitate humans to a tee (including emotional and sexual response… BANG!). Their goal? To make mincemeat out of all humankind. But even after nuking the shit out of the planet, 50,000 humans escape on the starship Galactica, desperately searching for a habitable place called "Earth." (OH, GREAT! More foreigners stealing our jobs!)

Anyway, in an attempt to trick the humans, the Cylons have cloned some of their sexier members to infiltrate the Galactica crew. This includes the blond hottie "Number Six" (a foxy "10" if you ask me), and Boomer, a Galactica pilot who excels in dropping the "boom" on her shipmates. But for those who require more out of their TV viewing than just knocking space boots, Battlestar Galactica is a gripping, realistic, and dark look at how it only takes a few well-intentioned people to destroy a civilization. On the Galactica, loyalties and friendships are tested, beloved characters are killed, and burgeoning governments are destroyed by suspicion--meanwhile, the Cylons have only one goal: Kill 'em all.

Want to learn more? Then get your geek on with the Battlestar Galactica miniseries, currently out on DVD, and the complete season one of BSG hitting the shelves on July 26. And don't miss the second season opener this Friday! Remember: In space, no one can hear you scream. So have all the sex you want!