O, how I marvel at thee, TV! One moment you're giving us such pristine joys as Lost and Arrested Development, the next you shove our faces in the rotting garbage piles of Two and a Half Men and Joey. You're like my former bipolar lover, who would burst into tears every time we had sex. (At least I think she was bipolar... I can say some pretty cruel things in the sack!) Anyway, this week's crop of new and returning shows clearly demonstrates that the brains of network executives are equally filled with brilliance, as well as the droppings from a particularly retarded donkey.

Returning this week is the annoying ER (NBC, Thursday, 10 pm), as well as the less annoying but still hugely overrated Desperate Housewives (ABC, Sunday, 9 pm). Also on Sunday, say hello to another season of the formerly great, now crappy West Wing (NBC, 8 pm), and the AWESOME and still getting better Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO, 10 pm). On Tuesday, it's the return of the mystifyingly popular Amazing Race (CBS, 9 pm), and finally, on Wednesday, get ready to cream those jeans because America's favorite teen sleuth Veronica Mars (UPN, 9 pm) is back with more sassy detective work—as well as new cast members Charisma "Angel" Carpenter and Steve "Police Academy" Guttenberg! EEEEEEE! OMIGOD! KILL ME NOW!!

Actually, don't kill me, because I need to check out the following new series.

Everybody Hates Chris (UPN, Thurs Sept 22, 8 pm). Comedian Chris Rock narrates this Wonder Years–esque tale of 13-year-old Chris moving to Brooklyn and being bussed to an all-white school. HUMPY'S TAKE: First Veronica Mars, now Everybody Hates Chris. UPN is batting 1,000, and it's time to sit up and take notice... you jive cracker HONKY!

Criminal Minds (CBS, Thurs Sept 22, 10 pm). Mandy Patinkin (Chicago Hope and those cholesterol medication commercials) stars as a behavioral analyst charged with tracking down serial killers. HUMPY'S TAKE: CBS thinks it's being all "cutting edge," but serial killers chopping up girls is soooo 1992. And since when did the Touched by an Angel audience become so interested in female mutilation?

Ghost Whisperer (CBS, Fri Sept 23, 8 pm). Jennifer Love Hewitt (Party of Five) mysteriously finds employment again as a woman who helps ghosts find "closure." HUMPY'S TAKE: While I don't "see" dead people, I can certainly smell them—and this show stinks like John Belushi after three days in the sun.

Extras (HBO, Sun Sept 25, 10:30 pm). Yay! It's Ricky Gervais (the original star of The Office) in a new series about being a movie extra. HUMPY'S TAKE: While it ain't The Office, the situations are just as hilariously awkward and embarrassing—with guest stars like Ben Stiller and Kate Winslet!

Commander-in-Chief (ABC, Tues Sept 27, 9 pm). When the president up and croaks, it's up to VP Geena Davis to bring our fractured country together again. (Sniff.) HUMPY'S TAKE: When it comes to picking the person who'll have "their finger on the button," I'd choose Geena Davis over Dick Cheney any day. (Particularly if "the button" is my PROSTATE. Ka-ZING!)