How are columnist Dave Barry and Aquaman similar? Both are annoying assholes. Dave Barry has essentially been writing the same humor column every week for the last bazillion years, while Aquaman is a completely useless piece of flotsam (or is that jetsam?) whose only super ability is bossing around tuna. Why the comparison? Like Dave Barry, I'm a columnist. And it's always been my fear that I will someday become him—writing the same tediously unfunny gags week after week. And as you may have noticed, I've written a number of "Aquaman" columns, in which I describe in scurrilous detail how this fish-stinking loser is the world's worst superhero. HOWEVER! Since Aquaman is slated to appear on one of my fave WB teen shows, I find myself in a seemingly unwinnable situation: Should I ignore a prime opportunity to lambaste this faggy fish stick (which is admittedly as challenging as pushing a retarded kid down a flight of steps), or succumb to my desires and risk becoming that lazy tub of crap Dave Barry?

Well... never let it be said I walked away from pushing a retarded kid down the stairs.

Rush to your TV set NOW, and TiVo tonight's episode of Smallville (WB, Thurs Oct 20, 8 pm)! Yes, this episode features a guest shot from Mr. Chicken of the Sea himself, Aquaman—however! Where there's Aquaman, there's water, and where there's water on an episode of Smallville, that can only mean one thing: Clark Kent (Tom Welling) whipping off his tighty T-shirt to reveal the juiciest piece of man-meat this side of The Rock. And who's that semi-nude person sliding into the water behind him? Why, it's Lana Lang (Kristin Kreuk), TV's hottiest hottie who's letting the junk out of her trunk, and putting the "YOWZA!" in my "TROWZAZ!"

But (groan...) then there's Aquaman. Now, because I'm a fan of Tom Welling's abdominal section, I've remained silent when Smallville butchered such great characters as Mr. Mxyzptlk and The Flash. But when they decide to add Aquaman to the mix—how can you butcher something that's already been butchered? And get this! The role of Aquaman will be played by Alan Ritchson—and if that name sounds familiar, you should be ashamed of yourself... because his claim to fame is being a semifinalist on American Idol!

Isn't that just too freaking perfect?! The lamest superhero in the world being played by someone who could only muster being a semifinalist on the lamest show in the world?!? If they were that desperate, why not cast William Hung?

But on the upside, Ritchson is hung... and in the best of ways. I've been checking out his underwear modeling pictures, and I have to admit there's plenty of meat on this flounder! And from what I've heard about this episode of Smallville, Lana Lang agrees and considers dumping Clark to take a ride on Aquaman's wild pink sea-pony! Boo-YAH!

So although it has become part of my job description to steer you away from anything Aquaman related—you should definitely check out this episode of Smallville. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to push Dave Barry down a flight of stairs.