Auggghh!! Okay! Fine! Nobody panic! I thought I had at least three more weeks of dicking around until the new fall season of shows and specials, but APPARENTLY someone forgot to inform me they're starting... ohhhh... right about... NOW. But hey! It's cool... I mean, I have no idea what any of these shows are about—but when has that ever stopped me? I've made a career out of bullshitting my way through TV columns. And the best part? No one can call me on my bullshit, because that would mean admitting they actually watch TV! HA! I win again!

And with that, let's get to this week's debuts...

•The Fantasia Barrino Story: Life Is Not a Fairy Tale (Lifetime, Sat Aug 19, 9 pm). Just in case you were thinking that winning American Idol is the greatest thing since a combination of oral sex and Steak-umm sandwiches—you're WRONG. As Idol winner Fantasia Barrino demonstrates in this TV movie based on her life, the road to becoming a quickly forgotten reality-show superstar is paved with drugs, sexual abuse, and mean comments from Simon Cowell. And be sure to catch next week's Lifetime movie, The Clay Aiken Story: Life Is So Too a Fairy Tale.

• Vanished (Fox, Mon Aug 21, 9 pm). In this new series, the wife of a Georgia congressman is kidnapped, and it's up to two shit-hot FBI agents (E.R.'s Ming-Na, and Queer as Folk's Gale Harold) to track her down. However! As it turns out, the victim has a shady past, which is directly tied to a creepy secret society. (Ooh! Just like in The Da Vinci Code!) What? Are secret societies and kidnappings too HEAVY for you? Well, like Fantasia says, "Life ain't no fairy tale, bitch!"

• JC Penney Jam: The Concert for America's Kids (CBS, Tues Aug 22, 8 pm). If I were a kid? And my parents forced me to go to this concert? I WOULD EITHER BLOW MY FREAKING BRAINS OUT, OR SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE SHOOTING UP HEROIN. Omigod, where to begin: First of all, attending any kids' concert called the "JC Penney Jam" is giving every school bully in the world an open invitation to shove your head down a toilet. Second, here are some of the artists performing at this "concert for kids": C&W hillbilly Kenny Chesney, Jon Bon Jovi, Sting, and that blind opera guy Andrea Bocelli. Hey, guys! I think you forgot Phil Collins and Liza Minnelli! Kids are crazy for any singer over the age of 120! And worst of all? The concert is hosted by the Antichrist himself, DR. PHIL. You gotta be fawking kidding me! I wouldn't let my kid anywhere near that fat-ass pseudo-psychologist. Why? Because (a) I'd be afraid he would sit on her, and (b) if his fat ass didn't kill her, I'd be afraid he'd bore her to death.

But then again... maybe this concert could provide an important lesson every kid needs—because as we know, "LIFE IS NOT A FAIRY TALE." And if Fantasia Barrino could crawl out from under Dr. Phil's ass, she'd tell you that, too.