Let’s establish one thing here and now: The new American
Gladiators show is the greatest thing that has ever happened
to humankind. Yes, even better than handjobs. Perhaps it’s because this
seemingly endless writers’ strike has turned the TV landscape into a
bleak, colorless desert of abject misery… or perhaps it’s just
because American Gladiators is a super-duper awesome example of
people getting their heads beat in by steroid-addled goons with
NERF-tipped weapons. Regardless? I LOVE IT!!
And my love doesn’t emanate from some retarded sense of nostalgia,
either. I hated the original Gladiators, which debuted
way back in 1989—probably because the show conflicted with my
“guzzling liquor and popping goofballs” time. But now? I can finally
appreciate Gladiators and its cast of hilarious muscle-bound
cartoon characters wailing on everyday fitness freaks.
For those who have never experienced the glories of
Gladiators, here’s how it works: 24 buffed-out civilians (12
men, 12 women), clad in spandex jumpers, compete in a series of
ridiculous physical challenges against the show’s cast of
“gladiators”—each of whom are built like brick poop houses, and
given hilariously dumb names. My favorites are “Hellga,” a pig-tailed
Aryan hottie, and “Wolf,” a hairy hunk of meatloaf who is seemingly
capable of only one response: “Ahhhh-ROOOOOOO!” (Think “Teen Wolf,”
except with muscles and without Parkinson’s.)
And the competitions? OMG! They’re a heart attack waiting to happen!
In “Pyramid,” the contestants must climb a 30-foot squishy pyramid and
try not to die when “Wolf” throws them down on their necks.
“Ahhhh-ROOOOOO!” In “Joust,” the competitors balance on tiny platforms
50 feet above a water tank, while Wolf beats them to death with an
oversized Q-Tip. “Ahhhh-ROOOOOO!” Then there’s “The Eliminator,” where
the contestants must climb a wall, dive into a pool, swim underneath
flames, climb a 30-foot cargo net, hold on to a rolling log, destroy
their shoulder sockets on the “hand bike,” traverse a balance beam,
scale the pyramid, fly down a zip line, climb a reverse treadmill, and
then crash through a wall. (Where Wolf is waiting to stab them in the
neck with a broken beer bottle. “Ahhhh-ROOOOOO!” Just kidding… but I
wish I weren’t. “Ahhhh-ROOOOOO!”)
At the end of the show, two of the contestants either go home (or to
the hospital) while the winning pair of contestants move on to the
semifinals. After weeks of spinal-cord-injuring shows, only one
competitor ultimately receives $100,000, a car, and the chance to
become an American Gladiator (or a quadriplegic… whichever comes
first).
The only problem with this awesome show? The brain-damaged
commentary from hosts Hulk Hogan and boxer Laila Ali—but that’s
nothing a little TiVo fast-forwarding can’t fix! So check out
Gladiators every Monday night on NBC at 8 pm, and don’t miss a
second of the neck-snapping fun! (By the way, I wonder if “Wolf” is
available for any freelance work? There’s a meter maid currently
ticketing my car who needs a little “Ahhh-ROOOOOO!”)
