Senator Ted Stevens, R-Alaska, once famously called the internet "a series of tubes." Naturally, this is a ridiculously ignorant and naïve statement. Everyone knows the internet is actually a series of tubes filled with porn. Try it for yourself! Just enter "porn," and an internet tube will magically ejaculate porn all over your face. HOWEVER! This is not to say porn is the only useful ejaculate to be found inside internet tubes. There are also hilarious videos of people walking into glass doors, cats eating peanuts, monkeys riding Segways, ATV riders getting decapitated by garage doors, skateboarders breaking falls with their faces, RoboCop riding a unicorn, girls kissing each other, Gary Busey, old person fistfights, Latino midgets dressed up like Sarah Palin, aaaaaand... did I mention porn?
HOWEVER AGAIN! Are the internet tubes a suitable replacement for television? Answer: yes and no. "Yes" because television is embarrassingly behind in "porn and squirrels-on-water-skis" technology. "No" because watching Audrina's huge donkey teeth on The Hills is naturally more edifying on a larger screen. On the other hand, when it comes to "pure entertainment," internet tubes are not only catching up to television—they're squirting out twice as much. Just this past week we celebrated three major advancements inside the InterTubes:
• The One-Year Anniversary of Hulu.com: Kind of like the YouTube tube for television, Hulu is a clearinghouse of great TV, featuring clips and full episodes of The Office, Saturday Night Live, The Simpsons, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Daily Show, Battlestar Galactica, and tons more. Plus anytime free films like Edward Scissorhands, Starship Troopers, Ghostbusters—and with limited ads, to boot!
• The Debut of Strike TV: Originated during "the Great Writers' Strike of '07," Strike TV (strike.tv) features original programming from Hollywood's finest who are looking to strut their artistic stuff—without bigwigs breathing down their necks or stealing their ownership. Check out Global Warming (where SNL's Kristen Wiig and The Daily Show's Aasif Mandvi portray star-crossed office romantics searching for love and tech support) or House Poor (starring Mindy Kaling from The Office, who's trying to trick people into giving her stuff for her new house). And according to the tube's managers, there are even more shows on the way! SQUIRT!
• Introducing MTVMusic.com: After years of stupidly refusing to show videos—MTV brings its humongous backlog of classic and new vids to the InterTubes! Seriously, I spent a better part of a business day surfing and watching such awesome and hilarious classics as Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up," Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher," Beastie Boys "She's on It," and the most embarrassing song Prince has ever written, "Batdance." See? The InterTubes are good for something other than porn, and... well, I think I've waited long enough. Back to watching porn!