I Love Television™

Remember in the Halloween edition of I [heart]
Television™ when I made the proclamation that I have no use for
the occult? Well, I still have no use for the occult. And yet?
THE OCCULT KEEPS PULLING ME BACK IN. Allow me to elucidate.

“Christmas.” Perhaps the big kahuna of all Christian holidays, am I
right? And a big part of this celebration is watching assloads of
Christmas specials, movies, and creepy Rankin/Bass wooden-puppet
shows on television, am I right? And Christians, generally
speaking, hate the occult or any sort of thaumaturgy, devilment, or
bewitchery, am I right? These rhetorical questions are really getting
annoying, am I right?

Knowing that you agree with every item of the previous
questionnaire, I believe I can make the following statement with some
certainty: Christians are big fat ugly liars, because in reality
they’re HUGE fans of the occult.

Take Santa Claus for example. Christians love Santa, and yet?
According to the creepy Rankin/Bass wooden-puppet special Santa
Claus Is Comin’ to Town (ABC Family, Sat Dec 13 at 6 pm), Santa
uses magic beans obtained from the Winter Warlock to make
his reindeer fly, as well as a magical crystal ball to see if
children are being “naughty” or “nice.” Or what about Frosty the
Snowman (CBS, Fri Dec 12, 8 pm)? Slap a demonic hat on his
head, and suddenly he’s marching around yelling “Happy Birthday!” and
spitting in the face of non-Satanists. Or how about It’s a Wonderful
Life (NBC, Sat Dec 13, 8 pm), where Jimmy Stewart thinks he’s never
been born after a magic angel makes him eat
some hallucinogenic “Zuzu petals.” (At least I think that’s how it
goes. I haven’t seen it in a while.)

Anyway, that shit is the OCCULT, yo. And Christians eat that stuff
up! “But Humpy!” I hear you cry. “While it’s certainly true that
Christians despise the occult, it’s the birth of Christ—not Santa
or Frosty—that provides the true meaning of Christmas.” Well,
Mr./Ms. Smarty-Pants, I’m glad you brought that up—but you won’t be, because I’m about to blow a huge hole in your theory. As it
turns out, Christians are big fans of the occult because BABY JESUS
WAS A WITCH!

That’s right, I said it! Adorable little Baby Jesus was (at least on
the inside) an ugly, hooknose witch with magical, occult-ish powers.
Where did I learn this information? Oh, just from THE BIBLE. Exhibit A:
Baby Witch Jesus becomes a fetus and magically inserts himself
inside a virgin. Exhibit B: Baby Witch Jesus has magical control
over stars, choosing one in particular to follow him around Bethlehem.
Exhibit C: Baby Witch Jesus grows up to be Big Witch Jesus at which
point he walks on water, cures a number of ailments (including leprosy,
blindness, and dropsy), calms storms, changes water into wine, and
raises people from the dead (including himself). Is he a “good” witch?
THAT’S NOT THE POINT! Christians are WITHOUT EXCEPTION supposed to
pooh-pooh the occult—and Baby Witch Jesus is the occult-iest of
them all!

I rest my case. And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for getting
struck by lightning.