If you are a man in today's modern society, you need an entourage. END OF FREAKING STORY! It's simply not enough to go to clubs, restaurants, movies, and concerts alone or with a date. If you're a guy, you gots to roll up on those joints witch yer boys, yo! As you can obviously tell from that last sentence, an "entourage" is just the latest thing white males have co-opted from black culture. And the last thing you want to do is insult black culture, right? So... get an entourage NOW! (By the way, thanks so much for the backward baseball hats and baggy jeans, black culture. They've been working out great.)
Anyhoo, now that we've determined you must have an entourage, this is how entourages work: Every entourage has four members. You are the handsomest, so you are the de facto leader. As the moral and spiritual center of your gang of bros, it is YOU who decides if a party is "wack" (wickity-wickity-wack if it's super wack) or a girl is "tappable" (or tippity-tappable if you're really gonna tap that). Each bro caters to the whims of the leader but has his own distinct personality. For example, every entourage should have a "Funny Uggo." That's an ugly guy who is really funny. (It helps if he's an alcoholic and deals dope.) Then there's "Almost Handsome"—handsome enough to get women to talk to him but ugly enough for you to steal those same women away. And finally, there's the "Worm" who was placed upon this earth to happily humiliate himself for your amusement. (If there's a suicide, it's usually this guy.)
And what happens when you finally get an entourage? You just chill, dude! Just hang with your boys, you know... chilly-chilly hanging. And you keep it REAL. That's the most important thing, bro. The REALNESS. Aaaaand sometimes you take off your clothes and sit really close to each other in the hot tub. Or have long sensitive talks about your feelings on a romantically lit patio. That's how we "bros" "chill" it on the "real," "yo"!
At least that's how they do it on the MTV reality show Bromance (Mondays, 9 pm), which stars Brody Jenner, who's most famous for his minor role on The Hills, being Olympian Bruce Jenner's son, and... yeah that's about it. In Bromance, Brody attempts to find a new "bro" to fill out his entourage from a pack of square-head dickrags. But here's why it's so great! Brody spends the entire show either humiliating the dickrags or making them wildly uncomfortable with his overt homoeroticism. If he's not touching knees with the contestants in the hot tub, he's giving instructions to his bros while soaping himself up in the shower—with wah-chicka-wah music in the background! I haven't seen anything this gay-porny since I rented Weapons of Ass Destruction!
So if you're looking for a master class in how to form an entourage (or a special nude bond with a male friend), check out Bromance—where they're keeping it REAL! (As in real, real gay.)
I'm feeling "bromoerotic."