GUYS, I SHOULD TOTALLY be a judge on one of those daytime courtroom shows! You know, like Judge Judy, or Judge Joe Brown, or Judge Judgey McJudgerson? I'd be all sassy (and possibly black) and smackin' down the witnesses with snappy quips such as, "Hey! Don't pee in my mouth and tell me it's raining pee!" Or "Don't slice off my head with an ax and tell me it's a pencil sharpener!" Or "Shut your G-D baloney-hole or I'll kick the tongue out of your yap." (Okay... that one needs work.)
But instead of settling arguments in the old-timey, boring, legal way, my courtroom would have a super-cool twist—such as Judge Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's Kangaroo Court! Basically it would be like other courtroom shows, except at the end, the loser would be kicked in the face by a kangaroo. Another amazingly awesome idea would be Judge Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's Famous Court Cases Reenacted by Chimps. Is that title too vague? Basically I reenact famous court cases—with chimps. Like the Scopes Monkey Trial? Admit it... I'M BRILLIANT.
Okay, one more! Hooters Court! The defendant and plaintiff are always Hooters girls, and at the end they are sentenced to chase me around in fast motion while the Benny Hill "Yakety Sax" theme plays in the background. Okay, one more! Tennis Court. Okay, that's a stupid idea.
However! I did have an A-MAZING idea for a court show, but someone beat me to it! Debuting this week on TLC is Paranormal Court (Sat March 27, 10 pm), which combines the cheesy vibe of Ghost Hunters with Judge Mathis-style trailer park histrionics! (Actually, I'm very surprised they didn't figure out some way to work in a midget. This is TLC, after all.)
Anyhoo, Paranormal Court stars psychic Robert Hansen, who helps families settle domestic disputes—by letting their dead loved ones decide who's right! Here's how it works: Say a family is arguing over who gets a dead brother's car. The psychic explains both sides of the story to the dead brother (who's in "the afterworld," or Pizza Hut, or wherever those people hang out), and the ghost decides who gets it. Personally, I think one of the perks of being dead is ignoring your hillbilly family's stupid arguments—but that's just me. Anywhoop, dead brother decides who gets the car, tells the psychic, the psychic tells the family, AND GET THIS! The ghost's decision is legally binding! HAHAHAHAHAAAA! Life is so freaking awesome!!
Now obviously this is a great idea, and if they had gotten ME involved it would've been even greater! First of all, the psychic should've been a midget. (As stated earlier, this is TLC.) And they should only choose families comprised of arguing midgets. ("Arguing Midgets"... that's a good band name.) BUT! When the dead midget brother speaks from the grave to announce who gets the car, a kangaroo hops out and kicks the loser in the face. And then a bunch of Hooters girls chase the midget psychic around the room to the tune of Benny Hill's "Yakety Sax." (Now if I can only figure out a way to work "tennis" in there.)
THURSDAY, MARCH 25
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Michael + the staff + happy hour at the local bar = unmitigated disaster.
9:30 NBC 30 ROCK
Floyd (Liz's ex-BF) shows up with surprising news that makes Liz damp in the nethers.
FRIDAY, MARCH 26
9:00 SYFY CAPRICA
Season finale! Daniel threatens to reset the Cylon, forcing Zoe to maybe crush his skull?
10:00 TLC TOP YAM: THE LOUISIANA YAMBILEE QUEEN PAGEANT
Louisiana crowns their "Yam Queen." (But hillbillies generally don't eat their own, right?)
SATURDAY, MARCH 27
10:00 TLC PARANORMAL COURT
Debut! Psychic Robert Hansen tries to convince a dead brother not to give his bickering family the death penalty.
SUNDAY, MARCH 28
10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
In an effort to win back his family, Walt vows to do anything it takes! (Other than halting meth production, of course.)
10:00 ANI FATAL ATTRACTIONS: CHIMPS
This documentary recreates chimp attacks that are scarier than Glenn Close boiling a bunny!
MONDAY, MARCH 29
8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Tragedy occurs during the samba when Kate Gosselin trips on her umbilical cord.
TUESDAY, MARCH 30
9:00 ABC LOST
Jin and Sun are the focus of this episode, which promises 75 percent more "sexy."
10:00 ABC V
Season premiere! As the reptilian aliens continue to infiltrate the human race, the resistance takes on a new—and slithery—member.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31
8:00 ABC IT'S THE EASTER BEAGLE, CHARLIE BROWN
Linus is convinced Snoopy is the Easter Beagle, and Peppermint Patty is Jesus Christ. He seriously needs help.
8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
The models pose as vampires who suck the human spirit out of people. (Weren't they doing that already?)