I LOVE YOU. There, I said it! I know, I know you find my declarations of amour to exceed the bounds of good taste. Well, fawk you! ‘Cause I love you. All day long, I dream of our life together, walking hand in hand, as we sing Olivia Newton-John’s “I Honestly Love You”–or if you prefer, John Mellencamp’s “Suckin’ on a Chili Dog, Outside the Tastee Freeze.” Yes, goddammit, I love you, I love you, I love you.
HOWEVER! We can never truly be together until you start making more money. As we both know, I have extremely expensive tastes, and expect you to support me in the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed. “But Humpy, Baby, Mama!” I hear you beg on bended knee, “You know I ain’t got no jack! How am I to come by the gravy you so desire?” Ho, HO! How good of you to ask. I have the perfect scheme for you to become my primary baller/shot-caller: Pitch a reality show to the networks!
As we all know, assholes like Survivor producer Mark Burnett are literally rolling in dough, thanks to one stupid idea. So I figure, if they can do it, why can’t YOU? That’s why I’m sponsoring the I Love Television™ Pitch-a-Reality-Show™ Contest! Here’s how it works: You come up with a one-page description of a brand-new reality show, and send it to me. After I choose the best one, I’ll personally send it to all the major networks, including a signed letter from me, saying that as a famous television columnist, your idea is the best goddam idea I’ve ever heard, and they would be idiots not to pay you a million bucks for it!! See? It’s foolproof! Even better, the winner will have his or her entry printed in my column, and will win $25 cash money and a personally autographed can of Hormel chili! Omigod, it’s like a dream come true!
What’s that? You’re stumped for ideas? Well, since I’m stone-cold in love with you, I guess it’s my duty to help. Check this shit out!
Gonorrhea Peninsula— Picture it: Sixteen horny people on a beautiful, secluded peninsula. But what’s this? Somebody just got a nasty taste of the clap?! Now it’s a race against time to discover which contestant spread the “fire in the hole.”
Stupid MacGyver–In this slow-paced action/reality series, eight really stupid people are asked to escape from a locked room. All they have at their disposal is a pair of tweezers, a double-A battery, a Styrofoam cup, and the key to the door. Will they escape before starving to death?
Donkey Mansion–Seven contestants are locked in a beautiful mansion. But here’s the catch! They have to be butlers and maids to 100 angry donkeys! That’s right, just one slip-up (for example, bringing tonic water instead of Dom Perignon) and it’s “HEE-HAW!” Ka-BOOM! A donkey kick into the next county!
As you can see, my love, it’s that simple. So get off your adorable tushy, and send your idea to I Love Television™ Pitch-a-Reality-Show™ Contest™, c/o Portland Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite 2, Portland, OR 97210. Or as always, e-mail it to steve@portlandmercury.com. I really don’t care I love you both ways. Oh, and the deadline is Tuesday, February 20–so enter today! Are YOU the person who will win my love? Well, first let’s fill up that wallet. Then we’ll talk.
