And here’s another thing that’s wildly unfair! Superpowers
that aren’t recognized by the nerd community as legitimate superpowers!
Example: Every drooling nerd in the world agrees that flying,
invisibility, and being able to hold your breath underwater for an
extended amount of time automatically classifies one as a superhero.
HOWEVER! I have abilities far beyond those of mortal (albeit slightly
effeminate) men, and not a goddamn nerd in the world appreciates
them.
One such superpower I possess is “rock-star parking.” Eight times
out of 10 I can pull up at a restaurant or club and find a parking
place—right in front, baby! Another power is porking the
daughters of elected officials. What can I say? It’s a gift. And my
final and perhaps most important superpower is hating everything that
everyone else seems to love… oh, you have that power, too? Let’s form
a club!
Longtime readers of this column already know that I DESPISE huge
cultural events such as the Super Bowl, presidential elections (except
the last one, which was okay I guess), and especially THE
MOTHERFREAKING OSCARS. What a load of baloney this thing is! And yet,
for reasons that are unfathomable to me, people actually seem to
enjoy watching these overdressed egomaniacal hams strutting down the red carpet, and then getting AWARDS for waving their
arms around and talking in funny accents. In my high school? We gave
awards to thespians, too! They were called the “wedgies” and
“swirlies!”
Anywhoop, the stupid Academy Awards is Sunday, February 22 (ABC,
5:30 pm), and this year promises to be more superfluous and ridiculous
than ever, because let’s face it—Hollywood is practically
INCAPABLE of making a decent movie. In fact, in many cases, TV
kicks movies’ ass when it comes to quality. Mad Men,
The Shield, Battlestar Galactica… these shows make
movies like The Curious Case of Benjamin Button look like The
Overrated Case of Blowhard Butthole! (Did you like that one? Me
too.)
The way I see it? If it’s been a crap year at the movies, then they
shouldn’t be allowed to have the Academy Awards. Or, if they
must, then the nominees for Best Picture of 2008 should also have to
compete against two actually classic films from the past! For example,
let’s say out of this year’s nominees, Frost/Nixon comes out on
top. However, if Frost/Nixon is simply another crap movie in a
field of crap movies, what does that prove? That’s why if
Frost/Nixon wins the first round, it should then go on to
compete that very same night with a film that’s a true classic!
Like what? Like motherfreaking RoboCop,
bitches!
Tell the truth: Put RoboCop up against Benjamin
Button, Frost/Nixon, Milk, The Reader, and
Slumdog Millionaire and tell me which movie you’d watch again
and again? I have a dream, America! That one night, instead of that
ugly mope Sean Penn dragging his sorry ass down the red carpet, the
Oscars will get a little visit from RoboCop, who only has one prime
directive: Taking the statue that’s rightfully his! Now, I’d buy THAT
for a dollar! (Please note RoboCop reference.)
