I have nothing to say to you this week. Don’t get me wrong:
I’m not angry, nor am I disappointed that it’s been three weeks since
any of you have offered to sleep with me, or share your drugs. I just
sincerely have nothing to say to you. Zero, zilch, zip, zippo, zot.
Sooooo… boy, this is awkward… umm, maybe you should go do
something else? And no, I can’t suggest anything on TV this week,
because there’s absolutely nothing worth watching. NADA.
Okay, fine… maybe there’s that Barbra Streisand: Live in
Concert special on CBS (Sat, April 25, 8 pm), which is going to be
freaking AWESOME. Yeah, I know… you hate Barbra Streisand.
However! Here’s why you should watch it: (1) Despite the fact that
she’s like, oh… 367 years old, Babs still sings like she’s imprisoned
a couple of melodious canaries in her tits. And (2) she has the WORST
plastic surgery ever! She looks like someone stuck a few live bees in
her mouth before stretching a hundred yards of Saran Wrap around her
face. Plus her forehead refuses to crease under any circumstance, and
her droopy top lip just kind of lazily flaps around while she sings.
It’s truly a horrific sight—and thus, I award it my highest
recommendation.
But… other than that, there’s nothing good on this week—so I
have nothing more to say.
Of course, I could mention the… nahhhh. Forget it. You wouldn’t be
interested. I mean, who other than myself would be completely freaking
PSYCHED about the new G.I. Joe: Resolute animated movie debuting
on Cartoon Network (Friday, April 24, 9 pm)? However, if you just
happen to be a bespectacled geek, then run immediately for your clean
underwear drawer, because you’re about to experience NERDGASM. This
hush-hush project is strictly an ADULT makeover of the old G.I. Joe
cartoon (nerd squirt #1), penned by acclaimed comic scribe Warren
Ellis—of Transmetropolitan and The Authority fame
(nerd squirt #2)—wherein the Joe team operates like an actual
military covert unit that uses real bullets (no lasers), and
occasionally disembowels their opponents (for example, ninjas).
SQUIRT!!!
But other than letting you know I’m wearing sticky underpants, there
is nothing I feel the need to share with you today. Nope. Not a single
thing. So… toodle-oo! Find something interesting to do with yourself
this week—but that definitely should NOT include the series
premiere of Daisy of Love on VH1 (Sunday, April 26, 9 pm).
Yeah, I’m pretty certain you won’t be interested in yet another
knock-off of the crab-infested dating show, Bret Michaels’ Rock of
Love. Apparently Daisy de la Hoya came in second in Michaels’ most
recent skank fest, and because VH1 works in roughly the same manner as
genital herpes, that means now she gets her own show, too. Expect
laughs, tears, and oozing sores as 20 hormonally imbalanced guys
fistfight for the opportunity to win Daisy’s heart, and the grand prize
of poking her in the rear. Ah, romance!
But other than that, there’s absolutely NOTHING going on this week.
Soooooo… what’s up with you? I mean other than sharing your
drugs and sex with me? What? You have nothing to say to me? steve@portlandmercury.com
