Naturally, I am concerned for your mental health. Let’s say,
for example, you were to suddenly go all “Grey
Gardens” on me, spending your days in a filthy,
dilapidated, urine-soaked mansion that you share with your equally
insane daughter and 273 cats/raccoons. Needless to say, this turn of
events would not reflect well on me! My bosses might say, “I’m sorry,
Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me, but our recent customer survey shows that
the majority of your readership eats wet cat food for dinner and
rather enjoys sitting in diapers filled with excrement for extended
amounts of time. You’re fired.” Look… I like you—but I have a
cocaine and Burger King “Angry Whopper” habit to support. And just
because YOU’RE nuts, there’s no freaking way I’m gonna get dragged down
with you!
I will admit that I’m no expert when it comes to the field of mental
health. That being said, I’m pretty sure you’re a schizophrenic.
And bipolar. And probably a psychopath. How do I know this? Well, even
though I’m not a licensed psychiatrianalyst, I can still
read—and your emails to me would make Sigmund Freud poop a
cigar. Check this one out: “Dear Humpy: I love you sooooo much that I
want to slash open your stomach and kiss your pancreas.” Say
WHAAAAA? Or how about this one? “MAY THE HOLY BLOOD OF CHRIST FILL YOUR
LUNGS AND BURN YOUR LIPS LIKE THE BITTER SEED OF SATAN!!!” (I’m pretty
sure that last one was sent from my mom’s Gmail account.)
In short, you’re bonkers. And since you’re too proud, poor, or
disinterested to seek the therapy you so desperately need, I feel it’s
my duty to point you in the direction of two helpful TV shows about
mental illness that are debuting this week—which I would
recommend you watch before you slit open my tummy and lick my
pancreas. You’re welcome?
• Obsessed (A&E, Mon May 25, 10 pm). This new
show is from the same people who produce the wildly depressing
Intervention (or as it’s also known, The Wm.™ Steven
Hump-Me Story). Obsessed explores the lives and treatment of
real people with debilitating obsessive disorders—which
includes OCD, panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, or any number of
phobias. So for example, an entire episode might be devoted to how
obsessed you are with me, or my ex-wife’s totally irrational phobia of
my penis.
• Mental (FOX, Tues May 26, 9 pm). Wanna know
what’s wrong with the mental-health industry? OH! I’ll tell you
what’s wrong with the mental-health industry! We don’t have enough
sexy psychiatrists who use new and often bizarre methods to
treat their patients—and the ones we do have are all on
TV. In Mental, Dr. Jack Gallagher is the new director of
mental-health services at an LA hospital who (a) uses radical
techniques to get inside the heads of his patients, (b) argues
constantly with his staff over what he considers old-fashioned and
cruel treatment, and (c) has a wicked-hot upper torso that he
flaunts on a regular basis. Rrrowrr-rrrrrrowrr! Consider my
heterosexuality “cured”!
Now leave my pancreas alone, please.
