A famous philosopher (maybe it was John Cougar Mellencamp)
once said, “Hell is right here on earth.” And I tend to agree with his
assessment because… umm… excuse me… has anyone noticed there is
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON TELEVISION?!? In case the networks have
forgotten, I’m paying BIG money to my satellite provider for monthly
access to 297 channels of supposedly unsurpassed entertainment.
So can someone please explain to me why I CAN’T FIND A SINGLE FREAKING
THING TO WATCH?
Look at my thumb. I SAID, “LOOK AT IT!!” It’s bent
like a syphilitic monkey penis because I’ve spent the last 43 hours
flipping through channels looking for something… ANYTHING to watch!
And this is EXACTLY what I imagine hell is like—that is, if I’m
not there already! Oh, I know what you’re thinking: “This can’t be
hell, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me, because hell wouldn’t have Mad Men.” OH, YES IT WOULD SO TOO! Mad Men would
be exactly the sort of thing Satan would have in hell, so you would be
living in bliss for one hour a week and then suffering in burny
skillets of molten lava for the remaining 167! DAMN THEE, BEELZEBUB!
WHY MUST THOU ENDLESSLY TORMENT ME WITH YOUR POINTY TRIDENT AND RERUNS
OF HOUSE?
And that, my friends is why I’ve decided to give the big “eff
you” to “Old Scratch” AND television, because until the new fall season
starts, I’m going off the grid, baby! Until further notice, I
will only be watching old episodes of My So-Called Life on the
internet TV site Hulu (hulu.com)!
Point of fact: My So-Called Life is the pinnacle of human
artistic endeavor. (Yes, even more so than the bottle of High
School Musical hand sanitizer sitting on my desk.) For those who
unwisely value ignorance over awesomeness, My So-Called Life ran
for a scant 19 episodes in 1994–95 and featured the wildly
realistic lives of hormonally imbalanced teens. The show centered
around Angela Chase (played by Claire Danes)—a deliciously
awkward yet sensitive dork who eternally pined for the subliterate
hunkiness of beefcake/dreamboat Jordan Catalano (Jared Leto).
Also along for the ride was brainiac nerd Brian Krakow (desperately in
love with Angela), drunky slut Rayanne Graff, and gay Rickie Vasquez
(who, even though he had the most serious problems, was the most
levelheaded of the bunch).
Point of fact number two: This show is so incredibly awesome, it
gives me the tweetarded tingles. The dialogue is hilariously spot-on in
regard to the doofy way teens talk, the parents are suitably
loathsome, and every problem—no matter how tiny—IS THE END
OF THE FREAKING WORLD. And though low ratings (and a movie-career-horny
Claire Danes) ended the series all too soon, My So-Called Life paved the way for somewhat less brilliant teen dramedies such as
Dawson’s Creek, Freaks and Geeks, The O.C., and
(ugh) Gossip Girl.
So if you’re hating this summer’s TV offerings, kick Satan in his
hot nutsack and hop over to the internet for some sweet My
So-Called Life until the new fall season starts. Remember, another
great philosopher once said, “Heaven is a place on earth.” (That would
be Belinda Carlisle, FYI.)
