LOOK. I’ve had it with aliens. And I’m
not talking about the nice aliens who come here from other countries,
pick my apples, clean Lindsay Lohan’s pool, and do all the dirty work
the rest of us are too highfalutin to bother with. I’m talking about
LIZARD ALIENS! The kind that get into your MIND,
man! The kind who would rather convert my body to food than pick me an
apple! Those LIZARD ALIENS!
But here’s the thing that really pisses me off about lizard aliens
(other than converting me to food). They dress up like hot chicks! And
then they wait until after I spend $78 wining and dining them
at T.G.I. Friday’s to hypnotize me into helping them secure
high-level government positions. Then they trick me into using
my column to convince you that being converted into
food really isn’t so bad once you get used to it! And
frankly—it isn’t!
In fact, being converted into food for our lizard masters is
actually a perfectly natural, pleasant sensation. First you’re
lulled into a deep, relaxing sleep. All your troubles drift away as our
lizard protectors place you on their plush conveyer belts leading to
the “human flesh conversion” factory currently floating above
the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. Ahhh… I’ve always wanted to
visit San Francisco, and… HOLD ON JUST A FAWKING SECOND! THOSE DAMN
LIZARDS ARE IN MY BRAIN AGAIN!!
What’s that? You don’t believe that lizards are crawling
around inside my brainpan? And you think this whole “converting humans
into lizard food” thing is actually just a deep-rooted psychosexual
fantasy? Well… I’m pretty sure you’re not right! For proof, check
out a new remake of an old TV show debuting this week entitled V (ABC, Tues Nov 3, 8 pm).
As you old-timers may recall, V was a crazy-popular 1983
miniseries starring Marc “I was Beastmaster, muthafuckah!”
Singer and some hot ’80s chick with really big hair as the hot
chick lizard. Beastmaster played a reporter who stumbles upon the alien
lizard’s dastardly plan (described in rich detail above), which in turn
sets off a revolution where the humans wage all-out war to stay
out of their scaly oppressors’ tummies.
Just to be clear, in the new version of V, there is no
Beastmaster. (BOOOOOOO!!!!) However, the new hot chick lizard is
waaaay hotter than the old hot chick lizard, because the new hot
chick lizard is Morena Baccarin (who played hot prostitute Inara in
Joss Whedon’s Firefly). And while he may not have been
Beastmaster (BOOOO!), the reporter character is Scott Wolf, who played
Bailey in Party of Five, which makes me want to cry for some
reason.
ANYWAY! The 2009 lizards are just as dickish as the 1983
lizards, and therefore only interested in two things: running up your
T.G.I. Friday’s bill… and cramming you down their lizard
gullets. Which actually isn’t so terrible. Their throats are so
smooth… so soft. Like plump, downy pillows that are so comfortable,
you just want to close your eyes and sleeeeeeep… sleeeeeep…
sleeeezzzz… SNKT! SNRK! Whu-WHA? Goddamn you, Lizard! LET ME OUT OF
YOUR STOMACH!
Lizard aliens out of my email. steve@portlandmercury.com
