So I’m eating Thanksgiving dinner alone this year, and the
reason why is unimportant. Okay, it may have something to do
with being disinvited from my family’s annual celebration because I
may have gotten super wasted at last year’s shindig, showed up
with a “marijuana pecan pie,” dumped a boiling gravy boat onto Uncle
Woody’s lap, and got caught by my four-year-old niece in the hall
closet petting the genitals of my first cousin. I don’t know…
something like that… the holidays all run together.
ANYWAY. I was already considering taking a break from the family
this year, so this affords me the perfect opportunity to try out a
scheme I’ve been planning for ages: Invite my fave TV characters over
for Thanksgiving dinner!
Awesome idea, I know, right? And even better, I’m making it a
potluck, which means I don’t have to do jack-poop—I just sit on
my sweet ‘n’ juicy™ while a truckload of delicious grub and
celebs show up on my doorstep. So are you interested in seeing my guest
list so far? Umm… actually, yes you are!
RYAN SEACREST—I’m sorry, but I like Ryan Seacrest. Plus, since
he’s never turned down a job in his life, he’ll happily accept 25 bones
to show up. And every time he leaves the room, excuses himself from the
table, or whatever, I’ll yell, “SEACREST OUT!” He’ll think that’s
funny.
THAT BLACK GIRL FROM THE CAST OF GLEE—I think her name
is Mercedes, and NO, I’m not inviting her just to make my dinner
“diverse.” I’m inviting her because—even though I love the show,
and get the glee-tarded tingles every time I watch it—I kinda
hate ’em all, and Mercedes is the one I hate the least. Besides, what
if I invited Glee coach Will Schuester and he started
white rapping? (Urgh. Glee-tarded tingles.)
JOAN FROM MAD MEN—Are you kidding me? Are you freaking
kidding me? Why do I have to even defend that statement? You
certainly don’t invite Don Draper to any party, unless you want your
booty-tapping quotient to drop by 97.9 percent. And I’m not inviting
Roger Sterling, because he’s funnier than me. That’s why the only clear
choice is office manager Joan, because (a) she has a body that would
make Christ hop off the cross, (b) her organizational skills would
ensure that we don’t eat all the pot brownies and pass out before the
main course, and (c) as we saw in this season of Mad Men, she
knows how to tie a tourniquet, which could come in handy if I decide to
accidentally chop off someone’s foot while speeding through the living
room on a lawnmower. Just an idea at this point… but still.
JON AND KATE, FORMERLY OF JON & KATE PLUS
EIGHT—Rule number one for any successful dinner party: Always
invite two people who HATE each other, but don’t tell them that the
other will be in attendance. So even if your dinner is straight up
Dullsville, USA, the two sworn enemies will get drunk and provide
enough dramatic sparks/violence to make your event unforgettable. Hint:
Be sure that at least one of them has quick access to the
turkey
fork.
