I’ve got a bone to pick with you, television! As everyone
CLEARLY knows, this weekend the new Iron Man movie (starring
Robert Downey Jr.) hits the theaters—which means no one in the
entire world will be watching ANY television this week, because they’re
gonna be too freaking PSYCHED! Seriously, who gives two Frito-flavored
poots about those milky-licking contestants on American Idol when freaking IRON MAN is blowing shit up with his repulsor ray? PEW!
PEW-PEW-PEW! KA-THOOOOM!!
In fact, I wouldn’t blame television if it just quit. After
all, once people get a load of this Iron Man movie, how can TV
possibly hope to compete? Sure… maybe in 50 years or so, people will
finally calm down enough to stop talking about how awesome Iron Man is,
and consider watching a TV show again. But I kind of doubt it. Iron Man
is so freaking cool, I’m strongly considering renaming my column “I
[heart] Iron Man, Pew, Pew, Ka-thoom.”
HOWEVER! Before TV retires for at least half a century, it should
ask itself one question: Would IRON MAN quit so easily? Consider, if
you will, Iron Man’s alter ego, Tony Stark. A drunken billionaire
industrialist (not unlike myself), Stark is kidnapped by a gang of
stinking godless Commies. But when faced with this overwhelming Red
obstacle, does he roll over and suffocate in a puddle of his own
upchuck? HELL TO THE NO. Instead, he picks himself up, drinks a couple
cups of coffee, and builds himself a kick-assy suit of armor. A couple
of “PEW! PEW! KA-THOOMS!” later, there’s a pile of dead Commies on the
floor, and the invincible Iron Man
is born!
Now, why can’t you do something like that, TV? Instead of sitting
there on your fat tuckus watching the awesome Iron Man movie
pass you by, you should be loading up your schedule with “all Iron
Man—all the time!” True, you are broadcasting a mini-marathon of
the classic 1994 Iron Man cartoon (Toon Disney, Sun May 4,
7–10 pm), and for that we’re thankful. But you’re stopping
there?!? Here are three great ways to include more “Iron” in your diet,
“man.” (GET IT?!?)
• At least one major character on every show should dress up
like Iron Man. For example? Project Runway judge Michael
Kors could dress up like Iron Man. Or all the guys on
SportsCenter. Or the one black lady on Lost.
• Instead of only featuring cops on Cops, have an entire episode devoted to Iron Man
answering normal police calls. I would pay some serious money to
see Iron Man use his repulsor ray on a shirtless drunk.
• Iron Man can sell stuff, too. If advertisers are so
concerned about viewers fast-forwarding past their commercials, why
aren’t they using more Iron Man? He could easily sell motor oil,
cereal, diuretics… ooh! And he could be in one of those Mac computer
ads where the skinny hipster makes fun of the fat guy! Fat guy could
say, “PCs are the best!” and then Iron Man could fly in and blow his
guts out. PEW! PEW-PEW! KA-THOOOM!
He can sell can openers, too.
