I’ve been called many things: a sissy, a nancy boy, a flower,
a fop, a dandy, a girly man, a fancy lad, a prissy pants, a ponce, a
Little Lord Fauntleroy, and even “Señorita Sweetlips” (though I
don’t understand why that’s such a bad thing). In actuality, I’m the
badassiest of badasses. I rarely if ever get my nails professionally
manicured, and sometimes… I even use substandard clippers! And when
I’m goaded into drinking whiskey shots at the bar, I say, “Screw that,”
and ask for milk—even though I’m lactose intolerant and may end
up with a case of the fanny burps.
Need further proof I’m tough? One time, my car broke down in the
middle of nowhere, and I had to wait THREE HOURS while my driver walked
six miles to buy me rose water to splash on my face. Naturally, the
idiot returned with the wrong brand, and I was forced to attend the
National Scented Handkerchief Convention smelling like a hobo. Now, you
may not consider that “tough,” but these scented-handkerchief bitches
can be real “feelings hurters”!
Now, I realize that some of you are much more “fey” than I, and may
need some toughening-up lessons. Therefore, may I suggest the toughest
network on TV, the History Channel? Suddenly, this once boring channel
for retired veterans with dementia has become the “go to” network for
testosterone-fueled tough-guy TV.
For example, there’s Tougher in Alaska (Thurs 10 pm) where
meatbag host Geo Beach guides us through the harshest, most brutally
dangerous parts of Alaska—where I’m pretty sure I won’t be able
to find my favorite eye cream. Then there’s Ax Men (Sun 10 pm),
which faithfully depicts the rough-and-rowdy loggers who risk their
lives chopping down trees in the Oregon wilderness, just so I can pluck
my ear hair with redwood tweezers. (Thanks, guys!)
But perhaps the toughest of all the History Channel’s shows is
Ice Road Truckers (season premiere, Sun June 8, 9 pm).
Professional truck drivers risk freezing their juicies off while
transporting goods across the frozen ocean north of the arctic circle.
And if that ice happens to break? Kersploosh! In less than a minute,
they’re popsicles. Naturally, I’d be able to withstand such a grueling
job thanks to my high tolerance of cold, and a coat made from ermine
and the finest clubbed sea otters.
However, while the gentlemen featured in these shows may indeed be
“tough,” I’m fairly certain they’d poop their panties if they had to
participate in the new show I’m pitching to the History Channel
entitled DEATH DONKEY TRAIL! Here’s the premise: a thousand
crates of extremely volatile Ebola-infused nitroglycerin must be
delivered over a dangerous and narrow mountain path. Why? Don’t pester
me with details. All you need to know is that the only way to get it
there is via a squad of crippled donkeys, ridden by death-row
prisoners. If they aren’t blown apart and infected by the Ebola virus
first, the surviving prisoners will receive a full pardon as well as a
scented handkerchief and kiss on the nose from “Señorita
Sweetlips.” And what’s so fey about that?
