[Read all of the articles in our Love/Sex issue HERE! Looking for a print copy? Look at this handy-dandy map!—eds.]

Let’s begin with one absolutely accurate and irrefutable fact: Portland is home to the sexiest people in the woooooorld!

Why am I so confident in the above statement? Because I’ve been studying the results of the Mercury’s 2025 SEX SURVEY! And trust me, when compared to residents of such bullshit, stick-in-the-mud towns like Tempe, Arizona, Portland is waaaaay more open-minded, sex-positive, and sexually experienced. (Tempe doesn’t even have a local sex survey… poor things.)

In fact, a whopping 1,585 Portlanders filled out our 2025 survey—that’s nearly triple the number of folks who answer those average, boring surveys you read in the Oregonian. (In the O’s defense, they rarely include interesting questions, such as “Would you fuck your own clone?”)

But before we turn to the always interesting topic of clone-fucking, let’s grab a deep breath and dive head-first into the warm, moist highlights from this year's Mercury sex survey! (And if you're one of those data-driven people who are hot to know EVERYTHING, then you can read ALL the results and percentages here.)

Horny for knowledge? Then LET’S GO! (And you might want to grab a box of tissues… trust me, you’ll need ‘em.)

WHO YOU ARE

Oh, hello “you.” According to our survey, the largest number of you identify as straight (47%), followed by bisexuals (18%), queers (11%), gay folks (7%), and lesbians, who may only count for 3%, but still manage to come up with a whopping 90% of extremely sexy answers—so it balances out, right? A majority of cis dudes (52%) filled out this survey, followed by cis women (30%), and the increasingly popular non-binary funky bunch (7%). Most of our respondents are married (37%) or in a steady relationship (29%), though a bunch of you are either single (23%) or in multiple relationships (11%)—for which I congratulate you, but also? WHERE ON EARTH DO YOU FIND THE TIME? (I guess that’s a question for next year’s survey.)

Oh, now here’s something interesting: While a stalwart 48% of you are currently in monogamous relationships, only 45% would prefer to be that way, with 23% dreaming of being in a “monogam-ish” situation, or even polyamorous (16%). For those who are interested, I’m currently in a “Polly Anna-ish” relationship, meaning that I’m happy with whatever I get. 🤷‍♂️

While many remain convinced that having children automatically ruins your sex life, an impressive 33% of respondents chose to have kids anyway, while 38% said “NO THANK YOU VERY MUCH” (at least for the time being), with 29% choosing to have pets instead—which, as we know, tend to be genetically superior to human children in every way. 

And which of Portland’s new districts is having the most sex? I believe the following graphic best tells the tale:

As you can see from the above graph, the largest number of sex survey respondents are residents of District 3 (Southeast Portland), which ipso facto e pluribus unum means that they enjoy and have sex the most. OR DO THEY? While District 1 (East Portland) may have the lowest number of survey respondents, perhaps it’s because they’re too busy fucking each other’s brains out to engage in my silly survey? Hey, I get it… up until about 20 minutes ago I was having sex at the Del Rancho Motel on 82nd Avenue with three-quarters of East Portlanders, and phew! THEY KEEP BUSY. Anyway, let’s turn our attention to YOU, and….

YOUR IMPOSSIBLY SEXY SEX LIFE

Now before we determine your body count (the number of people you’ve had sex with), we must establish a scientific baseline for exactly what “sex” is and isn’t. For example, my friend Cheri loves giving handjobs—yet insists that handjobs are not “sex.” 🤔 Conversely my other friend Robby is constantly bragging about his sexual conquests, some of which solely include “erotic toe sucking.” 😒 In an attempt to get us all on the same page, we asked YOU what sort of acts YOU consider to be actual “sex.” The way I see it, any answer that received more than 50% of the vote will absolutely, unequivocally be known as “sex” for the rest of eternity. (Being a scientist makes me feel smart and fun!) And so… here is the Mercury’s ultimate and final list of all things that count as SEX.

THINGS THAT ARE SEX (YOU KNOW… OTHER THAN STRAIGHT-UP INTERCOURSE)

• Anal = 96% (Oh yeah, that is sex!)
Oral Sex = 89% (Also absolutely sex!)
Hand Jobs = 63% (Sorry, Cheri… but that’s SEX!)
Rimming = 60% (Tastes great, less filling, and is SEX!)
Fingering = 58% (Do you laugh every time you hear the term “fingerling potatoes”? Me, too. That’s because “fingering” is SEX.)

And because there are people like my idiot friend Robby in the world, here are….

THINGS THAT ARE NOT SEX

Side-by-side masturbation—without mutual touching = 40% (“Honey… I wasn’t cheating! I was merely fingering my hole right next to another person who was also fingering their hole. That’s not sex… that’s called a “coincidence!”)
Video or phone sex = 26% (“Baby… that’s not sex! Yes, we were watching each other masturbate on our phones, but we were in entirely separate rooms at the Del Rancho Motel!”)
Frottage, AKA “dry humping” = 19% (“What? You’re saying I can’t lie down FULLY CLOTHED on top of another friend and repeatedly drive my pelvis into their buttocks until I ejaculate? Then what CAN I do?!?”)
Kissing while groping = 11% (“Again… NOT SEX. Particularly if we’re doing this in public, sitting on top of organic carrots in the produce department at Safeway.”)
Sucking fingers or toes = 9% (“Ha-ha-haaaa! FUCK YOU, ROBBY! Sucking toes isn’t sex… but wait. Maybe it is if you’re putting toes in some other hole? Now I’m confused!!”)

Okay, so now that we have definitive definitions for what is and is not sex, let’s find out how many sex partners you’ve had, with help from the butthole-shaped graphic below:

Now as you can see, a majority of Portlanders have had full-on (which does not mean only toe sucking, Robby) sex with anywhere from one to 25 people. (Shoot. I just realized I forgot to ask if cumming on someone’s tits is “sex.” Sigh… maybe next year! Anyway, if you came on someone’s tits in 2024, go ahead and give yourself an extra five percentage points.) That means if you’ve boned up to 25 people you are “normal.” CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NORMALITY. However, the next largest group includes those who have boinked between 35 and 50 people—which I would label as “abnormal” if I wasn’t also a member of that group. So let’s just call them… I don’t know… “enthusiasts.” And the next largest group are those who’ve slipped the wild baloney pony to “more than 100 people.” Okay… while I am one of the most sex-positive people you will ever meet, I also hate braggarts and I’m an incredibly jealous person, so I deem these freaks as “abnormal”! GO SEE A COUNSELOR OR SOMETHING! And then come have sex with me. (I’ll let ya cum on my tits!)

Anyway, it appears that most of you are having a reliably impressive amount of sex—OR ARE YOU? One time Albert Einstein asked me if I thought he was having enough sex, and I was like, “It’s all relative,” and he was like, “Oooh, I like that theory,” and I was like, “Well, you can use it if you like,” and the rest is history. But long story short, it’s all about expectations.

For example, when we asked if you were satisfied with the amount of sex you’re having, 21% bragged you were “very satisfied,” a bit more (24%) grumpily noted you were “dissatisfied,” while 14% cried with blood streaming out of your eyes that you were “VERY dissatisfied.” However, most of you (39%) calmly expressed you were “somewhat satisfied”—a feeling I think everyone should be working toward. Why? Because “wanting more” got us to the moon, led to the development of vaccines (which some idiots refuse to use), and became the topic of several Britney Spears songs. Besides, how can you be “very satisfied” when you haven’t even cum on my tits?

The good news is that roughly 39% of you find it “easy-peasy lemon-squeezy” or “somewhat easy-peasy” to ask your play pal for sex, and a wide majority are very open about their naughty kinks. The bad news is that 35% of your so-called “monogamous” partners are also saying yes to kinky sex… but with other people. And according to a very large 61% of those cheaters, they haven’t confessed to their crimes. (If you tend to have trust issues, I apologize for the knowledge I just dropped in your brain.)

And while it’s not necessarily cheating (unless you’re talking to the folks at your office in HR), a lot of you (49%) have had sex with a co-worker, which in most cases was a colleague (83%)—though 11% of you have boinked the boss, and 4% of you boss bitches have boinked a subordinate.

Ricky Pee Pee

DOING “THE DIRTY”

Speaking of kinks, here are Portland’s top 10 kinky fetishes: 10) double penetration, 9) blindfolds, 8) voyeurism, 7) exhibitionism, 6) group sex, 5) domination, 4) bondage, 3) submissiveness, 2) spanking, and the number one top kinky fetish in Portland: NIPPLE PLAY. (Seriously, why are you people so obsessed with my nips? First you want to cum on them, now you wanna tweak them? There are other places on my body that need attention, okay?!? Actually, that’s a good start though… so as you were.)

And while it may not be a kink, Portlanders also really love their masturbation. An impressive 41% of you give yourself a hand twice a week or more, while 21% shuck the corn (or oyster) at least once per week. However, don’t forget about the 21% of Portlanders who are poaching the egg every damn day! Once again, WHERE DO YOU FIND THE TIME?

Oh, and if you’re looking for a good time-management tip when it comes to sex, have you tried threesomes or orgies? You get a LOT done in a short amount of time! For example, roughly half of you (49%) have participated in a threesome—which may be more work, but takes less time—while fewer of you (28%) have messed around in an orgy situation. I personally like orgies because I can get six months of sex done in a single evening. What do I do with all my extra time? Listen to podcasts or endlessly scroll on TikTok, of course, DUH!   

Speaking of having too much time on your hands, 36% of you find time to watch porn at least once or twice per week, 21% watch it three to four times per week, and 11% of you horndogs watch it practically every day. Conversely, a surprising 25% of you don’t seem to watch porn, like, at all! I don’t understand this. What are you watching instead? There are only so many seasons of Dance Moms.

For those who do enjoy porn, most of you (43%) watch a mixture of straight/gay sex, while 15% of you are watching gay sex (probably because they’re having a lot more fun). However, an abnormally large number of you (40%) seem to only like watching porn where the men are dressed in nothing but black ankle socks, while the women are wearing impossibly high heels and pretending to be the dude's step-sister (AKA straight sex).

Portland’s top 10 sex toys that they own and use (sometimes on a daily basis)? I thought you would never ask: 10) sex dolls, 9) penis pumps, 8) masturbation sleeves, 7) strap-ons, 6) bondage equipment, 5) cock rings, 4) anal toys, 3) dildos, 2) vibrators, and the number one top sex toy in Portland: LUBRICANT. Yeah… I know it was my idea, but I’m not sure “lubricant” should count as a sex toy. However, this does make me realize that if we were to start selling Mercury-branded lubricant,we could fund our journalism for the next thousand years! 💡😀

Ricky Pee Pee

FUCKING CO-WORKERS VS. FUCKING IN CARS VS. FUCKING YOUR CLONE

Despite the copious amount of fucking going on in your workplace (and perhaps on your desk while you’re away), only 19% of you find your lovers on the job. The majority of you (57%) are clinging to dating apps in order to find your latest sex buddy, followed by being introduced by friends (52%), or finding them at parties (28%) or “in da clurb.” (Note to old, unhip people: That’s what young folks call “the club” these days, immortalized by an episode of Broad City, which I consider to be annoying. However, the percentage of young people who give a shit about what I think? Minus 0.00001 percent. So there you have it.)

On the topic of where you’re fucking, an overwhelming 98% of you have fucked in a car. (As for the two percent who haven’t, maybe buy a larger car or you can borrow mine. Just get it detailed afterwards.) And compared to the results in last year’s survey, roughly the same number of you fucked in boats, airplanes, and trains—though less than 1% of you admitted you have fucked in a Cybertruck (AKA the only vehicle guaranteed to make your nethers drier than a cat’s tongue). 

As for non-vehicular fucking, while large numbers of you are banging each other in city parks (55%), hotel or Airbnb hot tubs (49%), random spots on college campuses (44%), and either parking garages or sex clubs… sorry, “clurbs” (25%), your top spot for doing the dirty last year other than your own home was inside the homes of friends and family WITHOUT THEM KNOWING (70%)! Next year, we’re going to dig deeper into this, because I just gotta know if you did it on your nephew’s model train set or your sister’s kitchen cutting board.

And now, at long last… the only question in the world worth asking: WOULD YOU FUCK YOUR OWN CLONE? (With their consent, of course! But wait… if they are an exact copy of you, wouldn’t consent be implied? Hmmm. I’ll let the philosophers tackle that one… but I’d say ask anyway just to be sure.) According to our survey, it’s practically a three-way tie! A sexy 33% say “yes-yes” to fucking their own clone-clone, 32% say “no-no,” and 36% say they’re very interested in fucking a clone, but not their clone—they’d rather fuck someone else’s clone while sending their own clone to work. (I like the way these people think.)

Would you like to hear me say more about clone fucking? If not, jump to the end of this paragraph—though you’ll regret it. This paragraph’s thesis is, “I would like very much to fuck my own clone.” You see, I’ve seen myself in the mirror and have decided that I’m impossibly hot. And while I often have sex with myself… let’s just say there are limitations. Certain parts of my hot body simply can’t reach the other hot parts—and trust me, I’ve tried. It’s incredibly frustrating, because why should the only unattainable sex partner be myself? I’m the one who is most likely to say, “Yes, please!” Besides, while the majority of my past and current sex partners have been fairly skilled, they still have to be told where to put what, for how long, and how hard. I know exactly what I want, and therefore, so should my clone. In fact, the only downside I see to fucking my clone is coming to an agreement on who should be “top” that day. I could see us getting very angry about this and even resorting to a naked fistfight in order to decide, which again, would still be so hot! So yeah, there are no downsides. This means currently—and until “science” decides to make me a clone— there’s nothing I can do except sit on my thumb. (Waitasecond… maybe I don’t need a clone! 😈)

And now it’s time to play America’s most “American” game….

FUCK! MARRY! KILL!

In this year’s survey you were asked to rank three choices according to who you would like to either “fuck,” “marry,” or (if push came to shove) “kill.” Here’s what the majority of you chose:

• QUESTION 1 CHOICES: a couch, a Cybertruck, the CEO of a major insurance company.

YOUR ANSWERS: FUCK = Cybertruck, MARRY = a couch, KILL = the CEO of a major insurance company. 

MY ANALYSIS: Now, while practically everyone wants more dead insurance CEOs in the world, your decision about what to do with a Cybertruck and a couch was far more nuanced. While fucking a Cybertruck is pretty gross, I could never fuck a couch because I would just be thinking, “Ewww… what if Vice President J.D. Vance got here first?” So I agree with your decision!

• QUESTION 2 CHOICES: Taylor Swift, Charli XCX, the cast of the movie Wicked.

YOUR ANSWERS: FUCK = Charli XCX, MARRY = Taylor Swift, KILL = The cast of Wicked.

MY ANALYSIS: Again, I agree with your determination. (You simply must kill the cast of Wicked… otherwise all those nerdy musical theater kids would sing along every time you had sex!)

• QUESTION 3 CHOICES: A meatball sub, Timothée Chalamet, Pedro Pascal.

YOUR ANSWERS: FUCK = Timothée Chalamet, MARRY = Pedro Pascal, KILL = A meatball sub. 

MY ANALYSIS: Now for me? This was interesting. Of course, everyone wants to marry Pedro Pascal and wake up every morning to stare into his dreamy blue eyes. And while Timothée is just the type of twink I’d 2025 love to snap in half, that meatball sub looks goooooooood. But in this case, I’ll go along with the crowd and kill that meatball sub—and in the most delicious way possible.

THE LUIGI CONUNDRUM

Okay, on the topic of murdering insurance CEOs for sexual pleasure (wow, that got dark quick), we asked YOU the following question: “On a scale of 1-10—with 1 not being much at all, and 10 being VERY—how sexy is the suspected UnitedHealthcare CEO shooter, Luigi Mangione?

And before I reveal your decision, I need to recap last year’s result in which I asked you to judge a practically naked pic of super-hottie Jeremy Allen White (from TV’s The Bear), and his average score was a WILDLY UNDERWHELMING 5.2. I’ll admit it: I’m still super pissed. But instead of chastising those WILLFULLY IGNORANT FEW who either need to get their eyeballs checked or reexamine their grasp on reality, I’m choosing to move on with my life and focus on the fuckability of a suspected murderer. 

The good news? Luigi got a much better score, receiving AN AVERAGE OF 7.3 on the hot-as-hell fuckable scale!

And while Luigi is no Jeremy Allen White—how could he be?—it’s very apparent that cis het dudes are much more willing to embrace their fluid sexuality when it comes to taking extreme measures to destroy America’s deeply corrupt health insurance system, and… oh, hold on. Our company’s lawyer just informed me that I need to make the following disclaimer: “Killing people is very WRONG, and one should NEVER do it under any circumstances, even if it makes you 2.1 percentage points hotter than the hottest man alive, Jeremy Allen White.” DISCLAIMER NOTED!

And finally…

LIVING THE (SEXUAL) DREAM

Apparently you are much like me, in that you are constantly either thinking about the sex you’ve had or the sex you want in the future! Here are the write-in responses you provided for both topics.

“What is one sex act you want to accomplish before you die?”

Mega-orgy • Enthusiastic domination by long-term partner • Partner swap with another couple • Mile High Club baybeeeeeee • Fist a guy in a public setting • A threesome with my wife and another bisexual man • Share porn with my partner as a cute couples activity • All femme orgy • 69 with Henry Cavill • Sex on the bow of a yacht • I want a policeman to pull me over and I offer him my body to get out of a ticket OR I want to fuck my college professors for grades and graduate without, like, doing any studying • Sex with my clone before I send them to work in place of me • Group sex with every WNBA team • Pee on me!! • Star in my own porno and submit to the HUMP! Fest • Sex with a pregnant woman • Two chicks at once and not be anxious this time so I can get it up • Gentle handjob • 69 when I’m 69 •  All holes occupied • There’s a certain friend who is straight-ish but… you know… how straight? • Have sex on Donald Trump's grave • Get railed against a large glass window with my tits pressed against the glass in a highrise •  I've done just about everything I've ever desired; got any suggestions? [Why yes… actually! What follows are some great suggestions!] 

What’s the sexiest thing you did in 2024?

Demo-bottomed for a rope bondage class • Vers-Vers-Vers train fuck • Long anal session with my gf while she fucked her pussy with a dildo • Got pegged • Threesome weekend • Got a blowjob from one of my partners after a hockey game in a very sparsely populated parking garage by the Lloyd Center • Had a lot of period sex and kinda loved it • Anally fingered on my birthday • Got top surgery *wolf whistle* • Came in someone's mouth at a sex club and watched them spit it in their hand to jack off • Nailed my wife 388 times this calendar year • Hookup with my partner’s hot fiancé • Gave someone a blow job while others watched • Found a partner that can make me squirt nearly non-stop, and will spend hours on my pleasure • Got sucked off and ate my partner out in a cemetery • Fucked eight guys in 10 days • Gooning with a female buddy I’ve known since high school • I seduced a man who was shopping with his wife and kids and got him to sneak off and do me in his SUV in the parking lot… he was huge and I let him finish in me • Played with my gym crush in the sauna • HUMP! Fest group date turned into a wild swinger party at the Nines • He sucked my toes while fingering my ass as I sucked him off • Found my own body sexually appealing • Had sex with two different men named Sam on the same day • Masturbated while my neighbor watched • Said “I love you” for the first time to my boyfriend in a gloryhole booth • Masturbated to Alexander Skarsgård • Had sex with UPS driver in his delivery truck • Had sex on the OMSI dock • Fisted my partner on a paddle board in the middle of a lake

WOW-WOW-WOW, you all had a very busy year! And we can’t wait to hear all the sexy shenanigans you get up to in 2025! And if you need any more inspiration, don’t miss the 2025 edition of the HUMP! Film Festival—the sweetest li’l amateur porn festival in the world—showing in Portland from February 15 through March 1! (Get those tix now at humpfilmfest.com.) And until next year’s Mercury sex survey, never forget that there’s nothing sexier than loving yourself. (And yes, that includes Jeremy Allen White.)