[Find the Mercury's 25th Anniversary Issue (in print) near you by using this handy-dandy map, and read all of our anniversary stories here.âeds.]
Hello, fuck-faces. My name is Frank Cassanoâformer author of âThe Imbecile Parade,â the only truly successful column this shit-rag of a newspaper has ever produced. For the Mercuryâs undeserved 25th anniversary, the drug-addled editors of this embarrassing failure of a publication asked me to round up the very best of their âNew Columnsââwhich, as longtime readers already know, routinely flopped on a weekly basis. While I clearly informed these blithering dullards that searching for even ONE successful Mercury column (other than my own, of course) would be like trying to locate a turd within a mountain of turds, they were unsurprisingly, and idiotically insistent. And so, here are just a fewâout of literal thousandsâof ridiculously embarrassing attempts at âNew Columnsâ that at best withered on the vine, and at worst would make a syphilitic donkey vomit up his soup. I would say âenjoy,â but you wonât. Also, fuck you.âFrank Cassano
[For the last quarter century, the Mercury has produced an untold number of ârhyme-titledâ columns for reasons that continue to baffle their readership (or conversely, anyone with a brain). Here, from January 30, 2020 is perhaps the most embarrassing example.âFrank Cassano]
[And you thought Savage Love was a mind-numblingly stupid toilet of âexpert adviceâ? Once again the imbecilic Mercury tops itself with this abysmally and oh-so-deeply moronic column from February 14, 2019.âFrank Cassano]
[In May 2013, a bunch of dirt-foot hippies spent all their dope money on a campaign to stop Portland from fluoridating its water. They were successful⊠and the result? Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. is now the Health Secretary of the United States. Hope youâre happy, you anti-science dipshits (and put on some deodorant).âFrank Cassano.]
[In 2000, scientists stunned the world by mapping the human genome. And on February 7, 2000, the Mercury published their newest âNew Columnââperhaps the only thing worse than COVID-19.âFrank Cassano]
[To say that Mercury editors are a bunch of asthmatic, bespectacled, buck-toothed nerd children is a deep insult to nerds, children, as well as the fakers who claim they have asthma. Proof in point, behold this column (which unbelievably and unfairly ran for nearly as many years as my own) from May 13, 2015.âFrank Cassano]
[For years these repeated (and increasingly moronic) âNew Columnsâ have left Portlanders slack-jawed and dumbfounded by the pure idiocy and sheer uselessness of their unnecessary existence. But then? Occasionally, even from the deepest pile of shit, emerges a speck of gold. Meet Francine Colman-Gutierrezâthe only Mercury columnist to ever receive the âFrank Cassano barely noticeable nod of near-approval.â From August 1, 2019.âFrank Cassano]
[And finally⊠ from April 25, 2002, the only Mercury columnâor anything the Mercury has ever or will ever produceâworth the diarrhea-stained toilet paper it was written on. Have a âblessedâ day, you drippy-dick bunch of slack-jawed IMBECILES.âFrank Cassano]Â
