Remember how you would get impatient as a kid and beg your parents to let you open a present a little bit early, just to tide you over? Even though everyone involved knew there was no such thing as “tiding you over,” you wanted to open everything, right now, and if they let you, you would? That’s this weekend. The major difference is that you can open as much as you want, as fast as you want, until you’re drunk on all the awesome, which includes Ian Karmel coming home, a party in the Banana Stand, a Christ-Mess from Blowpony, Candi Pop at the Holocene, and a feast for movie fans at the theaters. Hit the links below and unwrap as many presents as you think you can handle.
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Friday, Dec 22
Banana Stand Media’s 10-Year Anniversary
For the past 10 years, Portland production company Banana Stand Media has hosted wild house shows and recorded countless live albums and music videos (they’re responsible for capturing the Mercury’s free, monthly concert series, Sound + Vision). Tonight they’re throwing a big birthday party with some of the city’s best bands: 1939 Ensemble, Psychomagic, and Kulululu. CIARA DOLAN
9 pm, Mississippi Studios, $5
Ian Karmel
Watching hometown hero Ian Karmel blossom into an Emmy-nominated writer and beloved stand-up on the national scale has been a feel-good story for the ages. In the past year, his weekly All Fantasy Everything podcast has become the perfect sandbox for honing his quick-witted referential material, and it’s a constant reminder that he is one of the funniest comedians working today. The title of his latest hour, “30 Minutes About Trump, and Then 30 Minutes to Make You Forget About Trump,” gives you a general outline of what’s on the agenda for tonight, but with an added multimedia element up his sleeve, expect Karmel’s playful and rapid-fire delivery to get extra weird and wonderful. Throw in a supporting set from fellow beloved Portland comedy export Sean Jordan, along with plenty of boozy holiday vibes, and you’ve got all the makings for what’s sure to be one of 2017’s most memorable shows. CHIPP TERWILLIGER
9 pm, Revolution Hall, $22-25
Renegade Craft Fair
It’s true there are a lot of craft fairs in this city, but Renegade Craft Fair is one of the bigger and better ones, particularly since it adds a healthy sprinkling of vendors traveling from out of state to mix in with some of our own region’s all-stars. MARJORIE SKINNER
Dec 22-23; Fri 2 pm, Sat 11 am; Pure Space, free
Portland Fire & Rescue Toy Drive
You have until Christmas Eve to donate an unwrapped toy to the drive organized by Portland Fire & Rescue! Suggested gifts for local kids in need include Play Doh sets, board games, Legos, and Fisher Price toys for infants. Last year, 129 businesses and organizations participated to collect over 50,000 toys together. EMILLY PRADO
Dec 22-24, 8 am, Space Room, free
Fluff and Gravy Records Holiday Party
For years, Anna Tivel and Jeffrey Martin have been musical partners, playing on each others’ songs and touring together. They also released two of the very best albums to come out of Portland in 2017: Tivel’s Small Believer is a collection of beautiful and airy folk songs about everyday life. Her tunes are immaculately crafted, and her voice and melodies recall the less amplified moments of the great Canadian singer/songwriter Kathleen Edwards. Martin’s One Go Around highlights his rugged voice and incredible skill for storytelling; listen to the album’s chilling opening track, “Poor Man,” as soon as you can. These two are a powerhouse duo for the local Fluff and Gravy Records, and tonight they’ll be joined by Parson Red Heads frontman Evan Way and the label’s house band, Vacilando. BEN SALMON
9 pm, White Eagle, $10
Wave Action, Loveboys, Manglor Mountain
Wave Action’s simple, down-tempo surf feels like daydreaming about aquamarine beaches while lying in a lukewarm Fred Meyer kiddie pool on a gray, humid Portland summer day. CIARA DOLAN
8 pm, The Know
Mark O’Connor & Friends: An Appalachian Christmas
Grammy Award-winning violinist Mark O’Connor and a backing band featuring his family and friends infuse a set of beloved Christmas classics with a bit of folk and bluegrass flair for your holiday listening pleasure.
7:30 pm, Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, $18-105
Millennial Falcon, Hell on Wheels, Weehawk, Lovejoy, Savage Nightingale
Millennial Falcon’s self-described “space pirate punk” combines the lighthearted elements of ska and the driving energy of punk rock. The Portland band’s latest release, Hikikomori, drips with angst, and songs like “Nazi Punchers” have enough gusto to power a small army. What really sets Millennial Falcon apart is the presence of comic book kitsch—it’s almost like they’re creating superhero soundtracks—but passionate rock ’n’ roll ingenuity prevents it from becoming another throwaway party punk band. DELANEY MOTTER
8 pm, Black Water Bar, $6
It’s a Tony Starlight Christmas!
If you like your holiday swinging with a dose of cocktails, check out It’s a Tony Starlight Christmas, in which Portland’s fave crooner is joined by a rat pack of talented singers to perform classic holiday hits (and comedy) in the style of Frank, Dino, Liza, Bing, and more. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
8 pm, The Tony Starlight Showroom, $30-75
Saturday, Dec 24
Candi Pop: All I Want for Christmas Edition
If you believe in the power of girl power, and pray to the gods of bubblegum pop, then apply a thick coat of Dr. Pepper lip balm, and head out to Candi Pop: All I Want for Christmas Edition. This dance night is well known for heating up the floor with pop bangers from your fave women artists, but this special holiday edition will include radio heroes of your youth including Mariah Carey, Britney Spears, Spice Girls, *NSYNC, Madonna, Destiny’s Child, and (SQUEEEEEEE!) S Club 7! Bring your insulin, because this is one sweet dance night. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
9 pm, Holocene, $5-10
Brown Calculus, Indira Valey, Forest Veil
Rising local duo Brown Calculus just released its debut EP, Live at the Map Room, an interstellar collision of jazz, hip-hop, and poetic lyrics. They’re performing at Mississippi Studios with two other fantastic Portland acts: the powerful, orchestral Indira Valey and doom-folksinger/producer Forest Veil. CIARA DOLAN
9 pm, Mississippi Studios, $5
Karma Rivera, Wynne, Amenta Abioto
Even with the annual, hip-hop dominated Girl Fest coming just after the New Year, it’s always a good time for an all-female hip-hop showcase; this December’s lineup is particularly appealing. Hosted by my favorite Portland singer (Blossom) at everyone’s favorite venue (Doug Fir), the event showcases the talents of TK melodic looper/singer Amenta Abioto, rapper Karma Rivera, and a chance to see the Portland scene’s newest young hip-hop star, Wynne. JENNI MOORE
9 pm, Doug Fir, $10-12
Blowpony’s Christ-Mess
Blowpony’s regular queer dance nights are always a hot mess of fabulousness—but there’s no kind of mess like a Christ-mess! Get sweaty and hot with this yuletide edition of Blowpony, with special guests Jackie Hell, Cucci Binaca, and Angelica D’Vil, and turntablism provided by Airick X, Aurora, Matt Consola, Just Dave, and Mister Sister. Oh, and of course there will plenty of “Gay-Ass Go Go dancing”—because ‘tis the season! WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
9 pm, Bossanova Ballroom, $9
Cosmic Monkey Gift Idea Signing
Cosmic Monkey hosts a last-minute holiday shopping signing event, giving you the chance to pick up personalized books from authors David Walker (Luke Cage, Powerman & Iron Fist, Shaft), Taneka Stotts (Elements: Fire), and Chibi Comics.
noon, Cosmic Monkey Comics, free, all ages
Becky with the Good Jokes
Becky Braunstein’s all-star comedy extravaganza returns to the Funhouse stage, the laugh-filled lovefest feeling extra warm ‘n’ fuzzy due to the holidays, and also due to the fact most of the people in the building will be wearing their finest pajamas. Featuring sets from some of the city’s best stand-ups, as well as some pretty-darn-big special guests!
10 pm, Funhouse Lounge, $8-12
Animated Christmas
Hollywood Theatre curators Greg Hamilton and Nick Wells present their annual holiday showcase of rare short films and televised treats on both 16mm and VHS, with appearances from characters like Frosty the Snowman, Mr. Magoo, and more.
2 pm, Hollywood Theatre, $7-9
Urban Gleaners at Mt. Scott
If you’re hungry and in need of a place to pick up free food, the Mt. Scott-Arleta Neighborhood Association help receive and distribute goods to community members every Saturday. All you need to bring is your own bag. If you’re interested in volunteering, you can email Matthew at matchu.nw@gmail.com to get involved. EMILLY PRADO
1:30 pm, Mt. Scott Community Center, free
Christmas Eve
Movies! SO MANY MOVIES!
Every holiday season, studios go nuts with movie releases—this year, you’ve got 20 billion films to pick from, and every single one of them will help you ignore your family for several hours! The 800-pound gorilla is, of course, Star Wars: The Last Jedi—but if you’ve already seen that, there’s the universally acclaimed romance Call Me by Your Name; Guillermo del Toro’s brilliant The Shape of Water; Downsizing, starring an itty-bitty Matt Damon; the Rock’s Jumanji reboot; Molly’s Game, the latest from Aaron Sorkin; and Wolverine’s musical The Greatest Showman. Even Netflix is getting in on the action with Bright, a big-budget fantasy starring Will Smith as a cop who has an orc for a partner. I assume they discover the meaning of Christmas? ERIK HENRIKSEN
See Movie Times for a complete calendar of films, theaters, and showtimes, and once you’re in the theater, turn off your fucking phone.
Feeding Homeless Folks
If you’re looking for some company this Christmas eve, head on over to the Clark Center—a short-term housing program through Transition Projects for people facing homelessness. You’ll be given a quick overview of guidelines by staff before serving meals to residents. EMILLY PRADO
4:30 pm, Clark Center, free
Dan Sheron
Balto frontman Dan Sheron’s week-long residency at Al’s Den promises to perk up the final week of 2017. Sheron’s rootsy musical leanings stem from his troubadour days in Siberia and Moscow, and he recently returned from a 16-stop tour through Russia by train. His wanderlust has yielded several releases under the Balto parasol, beginning with 2011’s October’s Road, followed by 2012’s Monuments, and later 2015’s 7-inch Call It by Its Name. Balto’s most recent record, Strangers, dropped in early 2017 via Total Reality Meltdown, and bursts with feel-good rockers like the addictive opening track “Lost on the Young” and the Paul Simon-esque “Restless Generation.” Wind down the year with comforting suds and one of the better songwriters in Portland. RYAN J. PRADO
Dec 24-30, 7 pm, Al’s Den, free
Chef Matt’s Christmas Dinner
Urban Farmer’s Matt Christianson hosts a three-course Christmas dinner spread over two nights and customizable to the tastes of the diners who come in from the cold to heat up their holidays with items such as pumpkin risotto, duck confit toast, chevre cheesecake, pork saltimbocca, and more.
noon, Urban Farmer, $65
It’s a Wonderful Life
The holiday classic beloved by those valiantly fighting the slow, crushing, and inevitable truth that their lives have not mattered at all.
2 pm, Hollywood Theatre, $7-9
Don’t forget to check out our Things To Do calendar for even more things to do!