Welcome to December. It is not playing around. December’s pretty goddamned serious about providing as much holiday cheer as possible, in as many varieties as it can. There’s only so much time in a weekend, after all, and only so many weekends in a December. It’d be a shame to waste a second of it—which is why you have both Dan Savage and John Waters putting their own warped spin on the season, the dearly departed Leonard Cohen helping raise money for the ACLU, a festively fucked-up film festival wreaking havoc all weekend long, right next to Linda Blair helping host a holiday screening of that family classic The Exorcist, a beer fest, a Scandinavian fest, a couple different holiday pop up markets, no shortage of high quality queer dance nights—and because the holidays are no excuse to slack on fighting Trump and his oncoming regime, a rally for Portland women. Like we said: December is not playing around. Hit the menu below and load your plate accordingly.
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Friday, Dec 2
Bridget Everett
If you’ve been a comedy aficionado in the past few years, you probably know Bridget Everett: She’s a scene-stealer in the Trainwreck movie, Comedy Central’s Inside Amy Schumer, HBO’s Girls, and Netflix’s Lady Dynamite. But she’s in a league of her own as a live performer, and she’s bringing her hilarious comedy/cabaret hybrid show to Portland, with her band, The Tender Moments. To prep for tonight, watch her Comedy Central special Gynecological Wonder, and listen to her Pound It! album, including the incredibly catchy (and incredibly NSFW) song “What I Gotta Do.” DOUG BROWN
7:30 pm, Aladdin Theater, $25-30
Dan Savage’s Holiday Special!
Who’s jollier than jolly old St. Nick? Why jolly old Dan Savage, of course! And he’ll prove it with this super festive live show, Dan Savage’s Holiday Special! He’ll be taping one of his very popular Savage Lovecast episodes, which will feature comedians, various sex experts, and most importantly, YOUR AUDIENCE QUESTIONS. If you’ve got a sex or relationship problem, do you really want to drag it into the new year? NO. Get that shit answered live on stage, and laff your pants off while doing it. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
8 pm, Revolution Hall, $45
Mic Capes, Serge Severe, Rasheed Jamal, Swiggle Mandela
I’ve told ya’ll once, and I’m gonna keep telling you: Mic Capes, with his heavy vocals and arresting flow, is leading the new wave of Portland hip-hop. He’ll be performing tracks off his stellar new LP Concrete Dreams, no doubt with backup from featured artist and billmate Rasheed Jamal. This show is literally close to home, going off in Capes’ own neighborhood of St. Johns, marking just the second hip-hop show that the southern-ish bar The Fixin’ To has hosted. JENNI MOORE
9 pm, The Fixin’ To, $5
Michael Chabon
In his new book, the ambitious, romantic tragedy Moonglow, Michael Chabon’s writing is, as expected, graceful and witty and laced with melancholy. And by freeing himself from the rigidity of linear plot, Chabon avoids the sometimes trying plotting that’s marked his previous novels. I can’t tell you if Moonglow’s specifics will resonate with you as strongly as they did for me, but the story’s broad strokes are applicable to, well, everybody: Moonglow is about family and fate, and remembering and forgetting, and the vast, fluid sea of time. ERIK HENRIKSEN
7:30 pm, Powell’s City of Books
Bird on a Wire
This weekend, the Hollywood Theatre and Mississippi Records are presenting “an emergency healing showing” of Bird on a Wire, the recently restored documentary of Cohen’s 1972 concert tour of Europe and Israel. (All ticket proceeds will go to Planned Parenthood and the ACLU.) The neuroses that fueled Cohen’s art made him a figure of adulation, and Bird on a Wire documents a fascinating intersection in his career, when his suavity extended no further than his songs. NED LANNAMANN
7 pm, Hollywood Theatre, $9
PDXtreme Fest
More than 25 hours of murderous mayhem and merry massacres. Fest director Jeremy Jantz got this nascent fest on its feet last December with three days devoted to visiting filmmakers and their films—some of which were truly horrific, some of which were delightful and quirky, and some dark and clever. This year’s fest is shaping up to be just as bodaciously bloody. The standout feature, Peelers, is a surprising ode to strippers that stars wondrous badass Wren Walker as Blue Jean, a strip club owner closing down her bar, Titty Balls, only to have it be inundated with oil-oozing monsters. COURTNEY FERGUSON
Dec 2-4, Academy Theater
Kyle Gass Band, Chris Margolin & the Dead Bird Collection
With the disbandment of the excellent Trainwreck in 2010, Kyle Gass found himself with some more downtime while his other half in the uber-popular Tenacious D gallivanted off to star in Hollywood films. Solution? Form a ridiculously tight band and slap his famous name on it. The Kyle Gass Band, then, falls in line with the satirical, fantastical, whimsical scope of the D and Trainwreck, fronted by Band of Bigfoot guitarist Mike Bray and filled out by longtime Tenacious D electric guitarist John Konesky. The similarities are palpable between all three projects, but Gass’ regimen of riffage is notable regardless of the tongue-in-cheek content of the tunes. The band’s macho façade is backed up by ball-breaking rock, as found on “Manchild” from the group’s self-titled debut. RYAN J. PRADO
9 pm, Ash Street Saloon, $13-15
Holiday Night Market
Mercy Corps hosts their 3rd annual happy hour shopping event, featuring 50 businesses who have been supported by Mercy Corps Northwest, featuring wines from Ram Cellars, beer from Ex Novo, bites by Kichana, Spice of Africa, Shoofly Vegan Bakery, and more, with live music by Stumptown DJs.
4 pm, Mercy Corps Action Center, free, all ages
X, Small Wigs, Skating Polly
2016 has robbed the world of many of its musical heroes, including Prince, Bowie, and Leonard Cohen, who have passed and left fans striving to fill the void on this retrenching Earth. Thankfully, there’s one seminal band that brings hope to the end of this terrible year, and that band is X. The SoCal punks are perhaps most famous for their track “Los Angeles,” which reps those palm tree-lined streets they call home. Now X is celebrating its 40th year in the game with a series of shows along the best coast—and while San Francisco, Seattle, San Diego, and Los Angeles were originally the only cities to be blessed by the X, luckily they added a stop in Portland. Get ready to revel in hits from Hey Zeus! and beyond, while begging for comment on what it was like to be on an episode of the Adult Swim TV series Childrens Hospital. CERVANTE POPE
7 pm, Crystal Ballroom, $28-30, all ages
The Handsome Family, Drunken Prayer
The husband-and-wife duo known as the Handsome Family have been making odd Americana albums for the past 23 years. The songs are led by Brett Sparks’ deep baritone voice, but it’s largely Rennie Sparks’ lyrics that make them so notable. From historical fiction to odes to inanimate objects, they combine a gothic taste for the macabre with dry, absurdist humor. Their mix of sincere folk tradition and clever alt-country has made them a difficult band to pigeonhole—too weird to fit among Steve Earle or Gillian Welch, not over-the-top enough to be on a playlist with Silver Jews or the Magnetic Fields. JOSHUA JAMES AMBERSON
9 pm, Doug Fir, $16-18
Christmas Ships Parade
Since 1954, heavily decorated and lit boats and ships have been trucking up and down the Willamette in a nightly Christmas Ship Parade during most of December (weather permitting). Bundle up, head to the river, and check ’em out—and to find their exact location, you can even follow them on Twitter (@ChristmasShips). WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
7 pm, Tom McCall Waterfront Park, free, all ages
Zepparella, Lotus Revival, Daniele Gottardo
One of the more well known Led Zeppelin tributes bring their act to the Mississippi Studios stage.
8:30 pm, Mississippi Studios, $17.50-20
Animal Eyes, Ravenna Woods, Frenz
Where We Go, the latest album from local psych-rockers Animal Eyes, was two years in the making. Judging by the end result, we can say that it was time well spent. The band of Alaskan ex-pats got started in 2011 with a distinctly folk-rock influence, borrowing liberally from Eastern European sounds. For the most part, the lone relic from that era of the band is the fact that they have an accordion, but you wouldn’t guess it just by listening to the new album’s 11 tracks. Where We Go is sonically adventurous and detailed, with said accordion usually run through a slew of effects, but songcraft is still the primary objective here. Finding that balance takes time. MATTHEW W. SULLIVAN
9 pm, Bunk Bar
Ice Princess, Toim, Sallo
A band of hooded druids who possess solid chops that equal the vocals of their possessed leader, the Ice Princess—a half-dark/half-light nymph-witch with an impressive vocal range. For proof, check out “Eternal Night” on Bandcamp and revel in the rock. RYAN J. PRADO
9 pm, High Water Mark, $7
Branches, Wesley Randolph Eader, Hannah Glavor
“I was raised beneath the silver sun, down in western Tennessee.” These are the first 11 words sung on Wesley Randolph Eader’s new album, Highway Winds. They’re not true for the guy singing—Eader was born and raised in the Pacific Northwest—but boy, does he sound convincing. Highway Winds follows his 2012 debut, Of Old It Was Recorded, and it’s a pitch-perfect tour of various old-timey styles, from folk to country to traditional gospel music, with tasteful touches of slide guitar, piano, and basic percussion, but only when necessary. Recorded entirely to tape, the record captures a warm and intimate performance that sounds like Eader’s playing just for you in your living room. It’s hard to imagine a better way to hear him. BEN SALMON
8:30 pm, The Secret Society, $10
A Liberace & Liza Christmas
A holiday variety show hosted by David Saffert and Jillian Snow Harris in character as Liberace and Liza Minnelli, indulging in the sort of cheesy sing-along delights that used to be commonplace on ’70s-era television. Featuring a cast of Portland personalities joining in the fun.
8 pm, CoHo Theater, $20-25
Saturday, Dec 3
The Exorcist with Linda Blair
The Exorcist stays pinned to the top of all-time genre best lists not just for the horror of its subject matter, but the horror of its making. Director William Friedkin basically tortured everyone on set, and that desperation comes through in the performances of all involved, including its young, pea soup-gargling star, Linda Blair, who will be in attendance and answering questions about what it was like to tell Max Von Sydow his mother sucks cocks in hell (among other things). BOBBY ROBERTS
6:30 pm, Hollywood Theatre
A John Waters Christmas
Fuck a sugar-plum fairy! During the bleak, horrible time known as “holiday theater season,” the December entertainment we really need comes from John Waters, the pencil-mustachioed cult creepster prince of puke himself, in A John Waters Christmas. Skip the treacle and luxuriate in the disgusting delights afforded by the Pope of Trash! Long may he reign! MEGAN BURBANK
8 pm, Aladdin Theater, $37-115
The Most Wonderful Season
The Portland Gay Men’s Chorus returns to the stage for their annual holiday tradition, performing not just Christmas music, but Kwanzaa music, Hanukkah music, and songs for the winter solstice, too.
3 pm, 8 pm, Newmark Theatre, $17-50
Ghoul, Hellshock, Cliterati
These days, when everyone’s got a mini-computer in their pocket, you’d think the world would be devoid of enduring mysteries or secrets. But this world’s a weird, wild place—who’s to say the country of Creepsylvania doesn’t exist, and that it isn’t producing hooded thrash bands of cannibals like Ghoul? Though there’s no real evidence, parts of the internet will have you believe that Ghoul is an all-star band from Oakland featuring members of Impaled, Exhumed, and Wolves in the Throne Room. But whether or not they’re a pack of murderous psychopaths from a war-torn, plague-ridden European country, Ghoul’s slash-and-burn “splatterthrash” is most certainly real, and it’s real good, too. The band’s latest offering, Dungeon Bastards, has all the gurgling, theatrical mayhem and razor-sharp death/thrash crossover riffs you can handle. Ghoul’s gore-dripping live shows also feature a cast of characters and monsters outside the band themselves, giving Gwar a run for its money. Seeing is believing, but seeing Ghoul could still leave you scratching your head in wonderment. ARIS HUNTER WALES
9 pm, The Raven, $12-14
Scanfair
The 32nd annual celebration of Nordic traditions, wares, and culture, transforming the Memorial Coliseum exhibit hall into a European winter wonderland, featuring over 70 vendors offering arts, crafts, foods, and other products, as well as live singing and dancing, and children’s activity areas.
10 am, Rose Quarter Memorial Coliseum, $7-15, all ages
Holiday Ale Fest
The Portland tradition returns to the tents in Pioneer Courthouse Square, keeping you warm with ample amounts of outdoor heaters, and keeping you toasted with over 55 exclusive beers and 16 special tappings. Drunkenness: It’s one of the few surefire ways to soothe the pain of all that shopping insanity.
11 am, Pioneer Courthouse Square, $35-100
Titty Pop!
Titty Pop! is a quarterly event from the team that brought you Twerk and Slo’ Jams, among other staples of Northwest queer nightlife. DJs II Trill and Ill Camino—who prove again and again that they can get any dance floor poppin’—provide the cuts, with visuals dreamt up by Kayla Oh and aesthetic direction provided by local illustrator and designer Ebin Lee. The focus is on pure club jams, so come prepared to break a sweat to everything from NOLA bounce and Chicago juke to booty bass and reggaeton. This is an all QPoC-produced event—a much-needed change of perspective for Portland dance floors. DANIELA SERNA
9 pm, Holocene, $5
Turangalîla
Conductor Carlos Kalmar the Oregon Symphony perform Olivier Messiaen’s large-scale orchestral piece, Turangalîla, while acclaimed video animator Rose Bond and her team transform the interior of the Schnitz with an illuminating visual production.
2 pm, Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, $23-105, all ages
Sugar Town Sno-Ball
We adore the semi-regular queer dance night, Sugar Town, which spins the most foot-stompingest classic soul. What could be better? The Sugar Town Sno-Ball: a semi-formal (or dress-to-impress) holiday party crammed with ’50s and ’60s R&B and ’70s soul, all spun by special guest DJ Larsupreme! Ho-ho hit the floor! WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
9 pm, The Spare Room, $5
Chris Robinson Brotherhood
The Black Crowes’ frontman brings his blues rock side-project to Portland in support of their 2016 studio album, Any Way You Love, We Know How You Feel.
9 pm, Revolution Hall, $20-25
Robbie Robertson
A meet and greet with the lead guitarist and primary songwriter for The Band in support of the release of his new autobiography, Testimony.
2 pm, Powell’s Books at Cedar Hills Crossing
The Siren Theater’s Best Christmas Ever
Bad Reputation Productions, the hilarious misfits responsible for Road House: The Play!, The Lost Boys – Live!, and Rudolph On Stage!, bring you a new sketch comedy production that’s sure to bring a forth an avalanche of holiday cheer.
8 pm, Siren Theater, $12-16
Art over Macleay Park
The annual art showcase transforming a victorian cottage into an explosion of local creativity. visit artovermacleaypark.com for more information.
10 am, Macleay Park
Urban Air Market
The national marketplace for sustainable design comes to Portland for its first holiday show, showcasing a whole bunch of one-of-a-kind gifts from local designers and makers including INKA, Hew, Concepcion, Jbird, Taiga Press, Studio Lola, PDX Ceramics, and more.
11 am, Wieden + Kennedy, free, all ages
Portland Women March Against Hate
Portland Women gather and stand together at Director Park to show the world that misogyny, misogynoir, racism, xenophobia, transmisogyny, transphobia, and hate of any kind will not be tolerated within the city.
1 pm, Director Park
Sunday, Dec 4
Bitch’n, Sama Dams, Sea Charms, Like a Villain
This free matinee show is the capstone event of Young Audiences of Oregon and SW Washington’s Sound Engineering for Teens program—it’s their class-end final presentation, if you will—but we reap the benefits, as amazing Portland bands like Bitch’n, Sama Dams, Sea Charms, and Like a Villain will be playing electric sets mixed by local teenagers. NED LANNAMANN
1:30 pm, Mississippi Studios, free, all ages
Spirited Away
The word “genius” gets batted around with regard to filmmakers with a numbing, reductive frequency. But if Hayao Miyazaki doesn’t qualify for that title, who does? Miyazaki has blazed his own distinct trail, blending atomic-clock action timing with an awe-inspiring, hand-rendered sense of the infinite; nobody else can balance exhilarating weightlessness with moral gravity in quite the same proportions.
Various Theaters, see Movie Times for showtimes and locations
Pere Ubu, Obnox
Yes, Cleveland, Ohio, is home to perhaps our nation’s most prominent physical monument to the music establishment, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but few American cities deliver so bountifully when it comes to legitimately out-there sounds. Take, for example, Obnox, the punk rock handle of Lamont “Bim” Thomas, a one-man wrecking crew known for his prolific recorded output and his powder-keg live shows. Thomas’ music is a coarse blend of punk, soul, hip-hop, noise, and wild-eyed vocals, and usually sounds like it was recorded inside a crappy old dishwasher tumbling several stories down a garbage chute. It also oozes effortless charm, and never lacks a strong melody or a deep, dark groove. This is punk rock with a big, loud, pounding heart. Tonight, Obnox opens for the godfathers of Cleveland’s weirdo scene, the veteran art-punk band Pere Ubu. BEN SALMON
9 pm, Mississippi Studios, $23-25, all ages
Nelson Goerner
A mere 24 hours after his recital Saturday, Argentinean pianist Nelson Goerner returns on Sunday afternoon for a completely different program that spans 300 years of keyboard composition. The eclectic show kicks off with a bit of Bach, continues with a scherzo and a pair of nocturnes from Chopin, then veers into decidedly Spanish waters with three choice cuts from Iberia—a towering, 20th-century piano suite created by Isaac Albéniz that requires intense technical chops. As if that weren’t enough, our soloist proves his unsurpassed virtuosity (and stamina) by closing out the evening like a boss with Maurice Ravel’s absolutely wicked transcription of La Valse. If you’re wondering what extremes two hands and 88 keys are capable of, this is your ticket. BRIAN HORAY
4 pm, PSU Lincoln Performance Hall, $45-55, all ages
Band of Horses
From 2006 to 2010, Band of Horses released three albums packed with shimmering indie rock, soaring soft pop, and reverberant twang, and each was glorious in its own way. But 2012’s Mirage Rock sounded like paint-by-numbers Band of Horses—flat and lifeless. It’s a welcome relief that the band’s new album Why Are You OK finds Ben Bridwell & Co. back in the easygoing, starlit-evening groove they lived in a decade ago. There are a few charging, chiming rockers (“Solemn Oath,” “Casual Party”), a handful of pillowy dream songs (“Barrel House,” “Lying Under Oak”), and a few tunes that filter Bridwell’s widescreen anthems through off-kilter production (“Hag,” “Throw My Mess”). With only an exception or two, the songs on Why Are You OK come together quite nicely—simply put, Band of Horses sounds like Band of Horses again, and that’s a very high compliment. BEN SALMON
8 pm, Crystal Ballroom, $42, all ages
Books & Beer
Fairly often a live reading here in Portland will also feature some beer, because it’s Portland and our whole thing is adding beer to stuff that doesn’t usually include it. In keeping with that tradition, local publishers and authors come together with local brewers for an evening of readings and drinkings, featuring Jeff Alworth, Brian Yaeger, Jon Abernathy, Matt Wagner, and more.
2 pm, N.W.I.P.A., free
Haste, Sinless, Azul Toga
A special double release show celebrating local dream rock trio Haste’s new album,Annabelle, and psych pop outfit Sinless’ new EP, Melodie. Read our story on Haste.
8:30 pm, Holocene, $6-7
Justin Townes Earle, Jason Dodson
The specter of heritage looms large over the understated Americana of Justin Townes Earle. His early material often felt marinated in the idea that where we’re going is often a function of where we’re from, and recent companion albums Single Mothers and Absent Fathers tackle this by exploring disadvantaged parenting directly. It’s not a surprising thematic obsession for the son of a celebrated songwriter and country legend. Indeed, Earle did for a time follow in the hard-living footsteps of his largely absent father Steve Earle, who gave Justin his middle name to honor his mentor, Townes van Zandt. These days, though, what the now-sober younger Earle has inherited most from his forebears is a deep understanding of what makes a song work. His percussive acoustic guitar playing prizes feeling over accuracy, and his tense vocal delivery squeezes every drop of emotion from nimble, thrifty lyrics. NATHAN TUCKER
8 pm, Revolution Hall, $25
A Christmas Story
It’s the holiday classic that just won’t go away! SEE! A shitty little kid rip his tongue raw on an icy pole! HEAR! The glorious collection of syllables that is “Scut Farkus.” WINCE! At that super-racist scene where they go to the Chinese restaurant! CHEER! As Santa kicks a little kid in the face! Merry Christmas, everyone! BOBBY ROBERTS
4:30 pm, 7:15 pm, Laurelhurst Theater, $4
Twelve Gardens, Break Up Flowers, Don Gero
The opening track of Twelve Gardens’ newest album, Feed the Bug, is an instrumental overture to a release that tugs desperately from all directions. The droning guitar and steady drumbeat of “Crossing” becomes increasingly frantic as the band’s world comes into full frame. Though it’s nearly eight minutes, the song sounds claustrophobic, a feeling that courses throughout the record. The Portland duo of vocalist/guitarist Chetty B. and drummer Katie K. (of Golden Hour) builds upon their early 2016 tape No More Cool ’93, pairing breathy vocals with gothic guitars and sparse, affective drums. While songs like “Hahaha” and “Shimmer” are by no means sprawling (they stay within the four-minute pop parameters), Chetty’s catchy, repetitious riffs have room to feel comforting and alienating within the span of the same song. At its best, Feed the Bug invites listeners into a cramped universe that’s about to burst at its seams, settling into sweet, understated conclusions as if to downplay its own intensity. CAMERON CROWELL
8 pm, Turn! Turn! Turn!
Helvetia, Thick Business
Helvetia frontman Jason Albertini has quietly spent the last decade building one of the most prolific and undersung bodies of work within the indie-rock world. He has the ability to neatly package warm and familiar moments within unconventional song structures, allowing his music to please the senses, while still maintaining an unpredictable and adventurous edge. CHIPP TERWILLIGER
9 pm, Rontoms, free
The Band Perry
The Tennessee-hailing group composed of siblings Kimberly Perry, Reid Perry, and Neil Perry headline 98.7 The Bull Santa Jam with a handful of rising county stars providing support.
5 pm, Theater of the Clouds, $37-55
Don’t forget to check out our Things To Do calendar for even more things to do!