Along Came a Spider
Along Came a Spider is a prequel to Kiss the Girls. Again, Morgan Freeman plays Dr. Alex Cross, a detective who deals with the most psychotic white men in America. Though Kiss the Girls is the better of the two thrillers, I still enjoyed Along Came a Spider because Morgan Freeman is Morgan Freeman. Century Eastport 16, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Sherwood 10, Tigard Cinemas, Wilsonville

* Before Night Falls
The real-life story of Cuban writer Reynaldo Arenas, from his childhood in Cuba, to joining Fidel Castro's revolutionaries, to later being persecuted for homosexuality. A politcal film which centers on one man's loneliness. Cinemagic

* Best In Show
Christopher Guest's latest with Eugene Levy follows several dog owners on their quest for the blue ribbon at the 2000 Mayflower Kennel Club Dog Show. A well-executed, ridiculous little film lovingly mining ridiculous little people's ridiculous little lives. Laurelhurst Theater

* Bike-In Theatre
Joey Ramone was a hero, and thankfully, the swell guys at P.S. What? have the heart to say so. This Sunday, the house-llery will sponsor their weekly screening by projecting the sweetly silly Rock 'n' Roll High School on the side of their house. Follow the Ramones through their self-indulgent fantasy of teen worship and tortured gerbils. After everyone has sufficiently cried into their popcorn over the dearly departed (for those self-consumed bastards who don't yet know, Joey died last Sunday, leaving the world a more empty and quiet place), there will be a second billing. Maybe Rubin & Ed, a wacked movie about Crispin Glover and Howard Hesseman bonding in Death Valley after being led astray from their journey to find the perfect headstone for a dearly departed pet; or maybe Babe: Pig In The City. They haven't decided yet. Who really cares? Joey is dead. Join Sunday night's commiseration. (Phil Busse) P.S., What?

Blow
Pee-Wee Herman (Paul Reubens) makes another comeback attempt in this cocaine thriller, in which he plays a gay drug dealer. Oh yeah, Johnny Depp is in it, too. 82nd Avenue, Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lake Twin Cinema, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza, Wilsonville

Boyfriends and Girlfriends
Four young people in a housing development in Paris mix and match their affections until hooking up with the right partner. Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

Bridget Jones's Diary
Bridget Jones is a cow. She desires a boyfriend, so she sets her sights on the office cad (Hugh Grant), and then moans when he dumps her. Why do we keep coming back to these romantic comedies? Is it that we secretly hope the Jerk will change into a Good Guy so we can justify our bad choices in life? Is the office cad actually a misunderstood prince? Does this ever happen in real life? Fuck no. And I've got a long line of sisters who can back me up on that. The very same sisters who'll be standing next to me in the ticket line when the next romantic comedy comes along. (Kathleen Wilson) 82nd Avenue, Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, St. John's Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Wilsonville

Brigham City
Ready for a Mormon murder mystery? A small-town sheriff/bishop must solve the murder of a out-of-towner before it rips their religious community apart! Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV

* Capital Punishment: Is it For You?
From the famous Dennis Nyback collection comes these sicko shorts featuring actual prisoners being put to death, famous actors dying on screen, and even a slide show of famous executions! Ewww, gross! Clinton Street Theatre

Cast Away
Have you seen the trailer for this movie? Then you have seen the ENTIRE movie, from opening to final shot. (Wm. Steven Humphrey) Avalon , Bagdad Theater, Kennedy School Theatre, Kiggins Theater, Laurelhurst Theater, Mission Theater, Mt. Hood Theater

* The Cell
Viewed conceptually, this film is remarkable: an acutley visual journey through a serial killer's mind that is both deranged and ethereal. Unfortunately, Lopez and her co-star Vince Vaughn remain true to the same, paper-thin characters they always play; beautiful, compassionate, out to save the world, blah, blah, blah. But the movie is undoubtedly worth seeing anyway--just think of them as background. (Katia Dunn) Fifth Avenue Cinemas

Chief Seattle
A documentary about the legendary native leader who invited the white man to settle on his land. Northwest Film Center at Whitsell Auditorium

Chocolat
Today I'm not weak. The film critic in me has control over my emotions; it can and will repress my wolflike desire to fill this review with hungry words that praise the celestial beauty of Juliette Binoche. That being said, the movie itself is unremarkable, and has absolutely nothing new to offer. (Charles Mudede) Cinema 99, Koin Center, Lloyd Mall, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movies on TV, Tigard Cinemas

Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles
He's from the Outback, but now he's in Los Angeles! He doesn't even know what traffic is! Oh man, this is gonna be great! 82nd Avenue, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, Tigard Cinemas

* Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Legendary warrior Chow Yun Fat can never declare his love for fellow martial-arts expert Michelle Yeoh. Instead, he entrusts her with Green Destiny, his nearly magical sword. But in the dark of night a hooded thief steals it, which leads to a fight held mostly in midair. An attempt to wed emotionally reticent drama with the exhilarating freedom of Hong Kong-genre filmmaking, but director Ang Lee can't quite pull off the combination; for too long a time, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon's shifting gears only jam. The film finds its rhythm and earns the accolades it has received once it leaves the stars behind and gives its heart over to the young and engaging Zhang Ziyi, as the aristocratic daughter of privilege who opts instead for the dangerous yet thrilling occupation of thief. (Bruce Reid) 82nd Avenue, Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Vancouver Plaza, Washington Square Center, Wilsonville

Enemy at the Gates
This film by Jean-Jacques Annaud (Seven Years in Tibet) tells a story of two men in love with the same woman, set against a backdrop of international conflict. The action scenes are great, concentrating mostly on a game of wits and nerves between Vassily and an opposing sniper, a German aristocrat (Ed Harris) called in to squelch the popular Vassily. The only trouble is, the alternating love story sequences are utterly boring. (D.K. Holm) Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movies on TV, Sherwood 10, Vancouver Plaza , Westgate, Wilsonville

Exit Wounds
Exit Wounds tells the story of how Steven Seagal, with the help of rapper DMX, cleans up a corrupt police precinct one bad cop, and unattended jelly donut at a time. Steven Seagal has had a tough time in recent years with his rampant pot belly and poor box office performances. He's lost a bit of weight for this one, though; he's healthier, younger looking, his flexibility is once again bordering upon functional and there is a lot of chemistry between he and his onscreen partner. Unfortunately for DMX, however, the chemistry between Steven Seagal and any actor will always result in the organic compound that I like to refer to as shit, and really that's no fun to watch at all. (Kudzai Mudede) Division Street, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movies on TV

Four Adventures of Reinette and Mirabelle
Eric Rohmer's quartet of stories involving two students and their misadventures in Paris. Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

Freddy Got Fingered
MTV prankster Tom Green co-writes, directs, and stars in a film you have either been anticipating for months or are just now hearing about. Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza , Wilsonville

Ghosts of Mississippi
Rob Reiner's middling retelling of the trials of civil rights activist Medgar Evers. Fifth Avenue Cinemas

The Gift
The Gift is about a woman, Annie Wilson (Cate Blanchett), who has a special and unusual gift: She's psychic. She uses this gift to help the community. Then! She starts seeing bad stuff. A murder occurs. She uses her gift to solve the murder. It's just plain weird that Blanchett took this role; she's a beautiful lead in any film, but she does not save films. And she especially can't save this one. (Paula Gilovich) Edgefield Powerstation

Heartbreakers
Part of the premise for the movie Heartbreakers, in which Sigourney Weaver and Jennifer Love Hewitt play a mother-and-daughter con team, is a fervent understanding that men will screw women over, and that women must beat those suckers at their own petty game. But as every cool-headed dealer knows, the revenge con never works; emotions, invariably, will trip you up. Heartbreakers is certainly amusing, but its unimaginative approach will disappoint viewers who want to feel the wicked cinch of the complex con. What it offers, instead, is the candy-rush sweetness of Hollywood true-love romance; a payoff, in a way, but one that proves unsatisfying in oh so many ways. (Traci Vogel) Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Washington Square Center

* The House of Mirth
British director Terence Davies' The House of Mirth, starring Gillian Anderson and Dan Aykroyd, adapts Edith Wharton's 1905 novel about New York high society--the tragic story of a beautiful young woman looking to marry a rich husband and finding herself torn between her need for financial security and her desire for personal integrity. Koin Center

* In the Mood for Love
The most achingly beautiful film in years. Jilted spouses always find themselves circling one painful step away from seeking comfort in each other's arms. Every moment of this film snaps with perfection. Koin Center

Joe Dirt
David Spade plays a radio DJ searching for his white trash parents. Kid Rock is in this movie. You're not going to see it, are you? Didn't think so. 82nd Avenue, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza, Wilsonville

Josie and the Pussycats
Regardless of the immoral overtones, the gags are forced, and the acting is TERRIBLE--especially Rachael Leigh Cook as Josie, who exhibits a vast array of emotions as effectively as a clubbed trout. The music is bad, too. And the script. Did I mention you should NOT SEE THIS MOVIE? (Wm. Steven Humphrey) Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza, Wilsonville

Just Visiting
Just Visiting is the American version of 1993's Les Visiteurs, the most lucrative French film of all time (in France, that is). The interesting part is that Just Visiting stars Jean Reno and Christian Clavieröthe, very same Frenchies who made the first movie. Reno plays Count Tibault of Malfete, a knight stranded in modern Chicago with nothing but sword, a suit of armor, and a manservant (Clavier). He must somehow find his way home to the 12th century to prevent the treacherous death of his new wife Rosalind (Christina Applegate), so he enlists the help of a distant ancestor (also Applegate). Slapdash, sloppy, and vapidly fun about half the time; the American version removes even the most light-hearted social criticism and replaces it with some really terrible digital effects. Century Eastport 16, Clackamas Town Center, Washington Square Center

Keep the River on Your Right
Anthropologist Tobias Schneebaum eats and fucks his way through cannibal life. See review this issue. Cinema 21

Kingdom Come
Kingdom Come should have been a television sitcom. It has passing moments of interest that should have been juxtaposed with amusing car insurance advertisements. It should have had a laugh track to distract the viewer from the suspicion that there's not an awful lot going on here. And most importantly it should have been edited down to about 30 minutes in length. A movie about an African American family (played by a superb ensemble cast, LL Cool J, Jada Pinkett, Whoopi Goldberg) from the South coming together to mourn the death of a despised relative should have been a surer bet. Unfortunately this movie just wasn't nearly developed thoroughly enough. Century Eastport 16, Lloyd Mall, Vancouver Plaza , Westgate

* The Last Resort
When Tanya, a twentysomething Russian woman, and her young son Artyom arrive in London to meet her fiancé, he stands them up and she rashly applies for political asylum. Tanya looks somewhat like Minnie Driver, and Artyom's got Leo DiCaprio eyes, but that doesn't stop the British bureaucracy from dumping the pair in Stonehaven, a decrepit seaside resort that's been converted into an immigrant holding center. When Tanya finds out she'll be there for 12 to 16 months, her desperation leads to plasma donation and internet pornography in a search of the money to get them smuggled out. The most unrealistic aspect of this gritty, downbeat drama is the purely angelic nature of Alfie, the local arcade operator who befriends the Russians and tries to help them get out. Overall, director Pawel Pawlikowski's second feature impresses, a short (at 75 minutes, barely feature length) but bittersweet ode to perseverance and a condemnation of institutional injustice. (Marc Mohan) Fox Tower 10

* Me, You, Them
Regina Case is Brazil's current silver screen pin-up; but the big difference from America's female sex symbols is that she is broad-shouldered and buxom and could kick some serious bulimic butt. Case plays Darlene, a sweetly conniving country girl, who effortlessly charms the pants off the first three men set meets and forms an oddly balanced menage a quatre. In this entertaining fable of female equality, Darlene simultaneously takes on the role of wife, lover, and mother¨each with a different man. (Phil Busse) Hollywood Theatre

* Memento
Memento has a lot of starch in it; the film sticks with you for days, as you rehearse it over and over in your mind. It's also a movie so good that you almost fear a critical backlash against it. You come out of it feeling almost resentful at how good it is, and given that almost everyone is an aspiring filmmaker these days, this resentment is unvarnished jealousy. But this reviewer is pure of spirit, or at least spite: I may have seen a better film so far this year than Memento, but if I have, I've forgotten it. (D.K. Holm) Fox Tower 10, Lloyd Cinemas

The Mexican
This movie was never meant to be a singular entity: It feels like two movies, hemorrhaged by nature, that have been forcefully welded together. The first of these movies is The Mexican; it features Brad Pitt, an antique gun, and the mob. It is vaguely interesting and Brad Pitt is very handsome. Secondly, there is what I will call National Lampoon's Seventh Circle of Hell, it stars Julia Roberts, a green V.W., and a sensitive hitman. It is a disgrace and Julia Roberts' performance is criminal. (Kudzai Mudede) Avalon, Kiggins Theater, Laurelhurst Theater, Milwaukie 3 Theater

* Monday, Bloody Monday
More gross-outs from Dennis Nyback! Actual footage of open heart surgery, oral surgery, caesarian birth...and more if you can take it! Clinton Street Theatre

* O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Set in Depression-era Mississippi, George Clooney stars as Everett Ulysses McGill, a suave and well-groomed petty criminal doing hard time on a chain gang. Shackled to Pete (John Turturro) and Delmar (Tim Blake Nelson), he convinces them to join him in escaping by promising to split a fortune in buried treasure with them. (Andy Spletzer) Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Evergreen Parkway, Fox Tower 10, Tigard Cinemas

Pokemón 3
The press kit for this film boasts that this is "the third big-screen installment of this infinitely popular series." Infinite means never-ending. Either they're lying, or we're doomed. Century Eastport 16, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Sherwood 10, Vancouver Plaza, Washington Square Center

Pollock
Another attempt from the film industry to mine the romantic lie of Bohemian life. This is actor Ed Harris' directorial debut (he also stars), and seems too hurried to establish the iconic events of painter Jackson Pollock's life--see Pollock urinate in Peggy Guggenheim's fireplace, see Pollock overturn the Thanksgiving table, see Pollock accidentally discover drip painting--instead of letting any of these moments achieve any natural resolution. Fox Tower 10

Ratcatcher
Set in the mid '70s in a Glasgow housing project, Ratcatcher is about a river and the children it kills. According to Ratcatcher, the life of a boy is full of wonder, magic, and brilliant things. A boy ties a rat to a birthday balloon and watches as it floats up to the sky, through outer space, and lands on the moon, where it eagerly joins other rats who are frantically running about its desiccated surface. What this implies is that to die in the world of Ratcatcher, a child's world, is to die in a dream and not in the real world. But why do little deaths cause us more grief than grownup ones? Maybe this director's next film will inspire an answer to this difficult question. (Charles Mudede) Koin Center

* Rushmore
From the same whiz-kid director (Wes Anderson) who delivered the brilliant Bottle Rockets, this film manages to subtly pull the wry humor for the very real pain of a teenager's first truly broken heart. Max is a precocious--but academically failing--15-year old who overachieves in extra-curricular activities, starting a go-kart team and directing an over-the-top pyrotechnic high school play about the Vietnam War. When he eventually falls for his hottie-hot smarty-pant teacher (and builds her an aquarium after she comments how much she likes her fish bowl), she falls for a man, well, closer to her own age--Bill Murray. Although the Academy robbed Murray of his much-deserved statue for his role as a bumbling industrial millionaire, he did clean up at every other award ceremony in the universe for this role. (Phil Busse) Fifth Avenue Cinemas

Shadow of the Vampire
In this piece about the filming of the classic silent horror flick Nosferatu, Willem Dafoe and John Malkovich are hilarious, providing many quotable quotes and actions that will provide hours of fun for fans of high camp. Also, Dafoe's costuming will inspire brilliant goth ensembles for weekends to come. (Julianne Shepherd) Mission Theater

* Shogun's Samurai
Fukasaku's big-budget samurai smack-down! Power-mad Lord Yagyu goes to extreme lengths to keep the mad Shogun in power, including mass genocide and screwing over his own son! Northwest Film Center at Whitsell Auditorium

Snatch
Guy Ritchie (a.k.a. Mr. Madonna) knows how to use a camera like nobody else. Too bad he doesn't know how to make a film. The technique is clear: heaps colorful characters together who are walking around in nicely lit areas doing nasty things, throw in a few twists, pile on a few more characters and a lot more nasty things, a couple more twists, and then you're done. (Jamie S. Rich) Bagdad Theater, Laurelhurst Theater

Someone Like You
If cuteness becomes a commodity, Ashley Judd will become an enormous, publicly-traded, multinational corporation. Please think twice before you go see this film. Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Movies on TV, Sherwood 10, Vancouver Plaza , Washington Square Center

Spring Forward
After raking in money with the Scream trilogy, Liev Schreiber actually does some bare-bones acting. Joining Ned Beatty, the two form an odd, chattering couple of washed-up New England boys. Schreiber has just returned to a small Connecticut town to a dead-end job with Parks & Rec. With no frills, the camera simply watches them talk, second-guess God's grand plan, smoke joints, pick up leaves and talk more. If it weren't the impossibly recognizable Beatty and Schreiber, this film could easily be mistaken for some strange but spellbinding home movie. (Phil Busse) Hollywood Theatre

Spy Kids
Fellow earthlings, I regret to inform you that even now as we speak, it is too late. Spy Kids is headed towards us like a juggernaut and only the childless have means of escaping. When a brother and sister set out to rescue their parents (played by Antonio Banderas and Carla Gugino)--and, subsequently, the world--from a malignant army of robotic children, they simultaneously deliver us straight into the jaws of humanity's most lethal foe, consumerism. The jet-packs are corporate fueled. The adrenaline rushes are company sponsored. And as we leave, the advertisers wave goodnight as they wish us, and especially the children, many many sweet McDreams. (Suzy Lafferty) Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lake Twin Cinema, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Sherwood 10, St. John's Theater, Tigard-Joy Theater, Vancouver Plaza, Westgate, Wilsonville

* State and Main
Alec Baldwin, William H. Macy, Sarah Jessica Parker, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and David Paymer descend on a small Vermont town to make a movie, bringing their sophisticated mores with them. The town end is held down by Charles Durning, Clark Gregg, Ricky Jay, Patti LuPone, Matt Malloy, Rebecca Pidgeon, and Julia Stiles... Do you begin to see a problem here? The cast is as fixedly big-city as a traffic jam. Though to tell you the truth, I was laughing too hard to worry about small inaccuracies. David Mamet has said that he was thinking of Preston Sturges when he put this film together, and it's a worthy successor to the Master. (Barley Blair) Laurelhurst Theater, Mission Theater

The Tailor of Panama
Brit superspy Andy Oxnard (Pierce Brosnan) has been banished to Panama for overindulging his appetites. He sizes up the tense, complicated international scene at the Canal and finds himself a hapless ex-pat British tailor (Geoffrey Rush) to squeeze for information. Boorman's film is far too awkward an self-conscious to allow the audience to sink into spy fantasia; as a result, Brosnan's absurdly dashing spy becomes utterly grotesque, even sickening. (Evan Sult) Evergreen Parkway, Fox Tower 10, Lloyd Cinemas, Tigard

Traffic
What with Hollywood throwing Oscars at director Steven Soderbergh, this film is perhaps the most over-hyped film of the year. By now, unless you've been hiding up Richard Gere's butt, you know the scoop: With jumpy camera movements and "edgy" editing, the film braids together three loosely connected stories about the--gasp--drug war. What you may not have heard, though, is that one of these three stories is about as challenging as an after-school special, and another a blatant Miami Vice rip-off. The only truly lasting quality of the film is Benicio Del Toro, whose unflinching performance explores the conflicts between loyalty and self-preservation. (Phil Busse) Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Division Street, Koin Center, Lloyd Mall, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movies on TV, Tigard Cinemas, Westgate

* Troma Retrospective
Troma co-founder and director Lloyd Kaufman makes another swing through town to introduce seven of his greatest works of schlock art. On Thursday April 19, the classic Toxic Avenger plays with Class of Nuke 'Em High. On Friday, you'll enjoy the gore-riffic Terror Firmer, Hannibal, the Cannibal, and the sexy/sweet Tromeo and Juliet. And on Saturday, catch the hilarious Sgt. Kabukiman, NYPD and a super-sneaky sneak preview of Toxic Avenger 4. Clinton Street Theatre

The Widow of St. Pierre
In 1849, on Saint-Pierre, a French-ruled island off the Newfoundland coast, a sailor, after getting drunk and killing a man as a kind of stupid prank, is sentenced to death by guillotine. And the nearest one is far to the south. While waiting for it to arrive, Neel is taken under the wing of "Madame La" Pauline (Juliette Binoche) and a kind of love grows not only between them, but between Neel and the community, as well. You couldn't ask for a more ready-made parable (based on the historical record, yet) of the horror of the death penalty, the inhuman machinery of the state, and the grandeur of the human spirit. Koin Center

* Women of Mystery
A documentary exploring the lives of three of detective fiction's leading female authors: Sue Grafton, Marica Muller and Sara Paretsky. Northwest Film Center at Whitsell Auditorium

* Yi Yi
A computer engineer and his wife, Min-Min are pulled away from his brother-in-law's wedding when Min-Min's mother suffers a stroke and goes into a coma. They eventually bring her home and are encouraged to talk to her in a game attempt to bring her back to consciousness; these one-sided conversations allow the family members a forum to work out their individual concerns. Do not miss this opportunity to see this wonderful film that will draw you in and make you forget about time and space. Cinemagic

* You Can Count on Me
This is the sort of well-crafted, nutritious drama that gets critics burned out on adrenalized hoopla all tied up in knots. It's fine work, featuring Laura Linney's best performance since Congo (or maybe even before) as a single mom in the quaint burg of Scottsville. Her pothead drifter of a brother, also well played by Mark Ruffalo, shows up, spurring an eventual, earnest realization of the importance of family. Matthew Broderick has an amusing role as Linney's new boss, who says things like "I like paperwork." The latest product of the Culkin Family Factory Farm for Cuteness, Rory, plays the precocious eight-year-old. Playwright Kenneth Lonergan has, for his first film, created a movie for grown-ups that hardly ever surprises, but somehow that's OK. (Marc Mohan) Koin Center, Moreland Theater