I do not have cable television. My selection of channels is sparse. So, time and time again, I am drawn to the pageantry and absurdity of TBN, channel 24. With its cast of characters more colorful than any Muppet Show episode, Trinity Broadcast Network has been "God-ing" it up on the airwaves for nearly 30 years.

Paul and Jan Crouch, or as I like to call them, The Colonel and Tammy Faye Pink Hair, are the driving force behind the heretical shenanigans that are broadcasted each day to millions of people worldwide. The Colonel sits regally on his purple and gilded throne, playing host to a myriad of guests, as Jan spins and spins speaking in tongues and asking--no, threatening--her viewers to send in money. If they don't? God will not be made available to them.

And what is this money for? It is money to help them spread the word of God to the poor heathen savages around the globe who do not know the pleasures of the Lord and eyeliner. Money to buy huge mansions in the California hills and have facelifts, tummy tucks, and collagen lip injections, all for the glory of God. Money to keep the network going, to help it grow and one day cover the earth like a big soft blanket made of pink and gold cotton candy asbestos; toxic, warm, and sweet.

If you do a little research, you'll realize that the Crouches and their lot are not looked upon too kindly by average church-going folk. TBN is flashy, confusing, and more about loot than Lord, which doesn't settle well with the more intelligent Christians I know and have read. So then, who is watching? (Besides stoned atheists looking for a howl?) The answer is shut-ins, schizophrenics, and lonely drug addicts.

Many of these questions are answered with a quick trip to the TBN website (www.TBN.org). Here, we find the history, a schedule of shows and oh yes... a handy guide on how to administer a living. Praise Be!!