Vanilla Sky
dir. Crowe
Opens Fri Dec 14
Various

If one believes in the veracity of movie posters, "Vanilla Sky is an out-there erotic thriller with mind-bending secrets no review should give away." Okay, so let's break that assessment down--but first, some explanation is in order.

Tom Cruise plays David Aames, a hotshot 33-year-old who inherited a publishing company from his pop, and thusly, has the world by the nuts. Footloose and fancy-free, David skitters through life refusing to accept any real responsibility--especially when it comes to his casual lover, Julie (Cameron Diaz). However, when he meets the cute-as-a-bug Sofia (Penelope Cruz), he gets his first glimpse at the possibility of true love, which drives the jealous Julie bonkers. When David is seduced into Julie's car, he realizes he's in the lothario's worst nightmare. After ripping him a new asshole for being such a jerk, she promptly drives them both off a bridge.

And just to prove how cruel the screenwriter gods can be, David wakes up from his crash with a smooshed-up face and an extremely bad attitude. From there, David attempts to rebuild his life with Sofia, but truly bizarre occurrences transpire to make him question his sanity, and eventually drive him to murder.

Okay, so back to the original question: Is Vanilla Sky truly an "out-there erotic thriller with mind-bending secrets no review should give away"? Well, it is "out-there" in that director Cameron Crowe (Almost Famous) pulls the audience into David's candy-colored, scrambled mind, and keeps them an arm's-length away from the truth. But it ain't "erotic," and it ain't no "thriller." While both Ms. Cruz and Diaz are visual firecrackers, the script is far too cerebral and plodding to work up any actual sweat. As for the "mind-bending secrets no review should give away?" Okay, there are some plot twists--around 500 of them. To be honest, I would have no idea which secret to give away. However, the one secret I know producers would not like to have revealed, is that this movie is pretty, well acted, and sloooooooooow. By the time the final twist reveals itself, the audience feels like the main character; wishing they'd never gotten into that crazy person's car in the first place.