Calling Dr. Quacky!

Doctors are evil. Okay, so maybe all of them aren't, but mine sure as shit is! For legal reasons, I will call him "Dr. Quacky," but if you've ever sat in his waiting room for TWO hours, only to have him tell you to "stop smoking so much pot," then you'll know of whom I speak! Regardless, you'll sympathize with the patients in the following movies which feature eeeeevil doctors.

• Dead Ringers (1988)--What's worse than one evil doctor? How about TWIN evil gynocologists?? Jeremy Irons stars as the doctors in question, who quickly slip into madness (as we all do) when faced by drugs, fame, and women. Creepy gynelogical instruments created by director David Cronenberg add to the horror, and make you wanna scream to co-star Geneviève Bujold, "Girl, get your feet out of those nasty stirrups, NOW!!"

• Doctor Butcher M.D. (1979, aka Zombie Holocaust)-- Now, here's one doctor who probably isn't listed in your company's list of preferred providers. A cannibal sneaks into a New York hospital, and after being discovered, leaps out of a five-story window (or is that a mannequin dressed in the exact same clothes?). Snoopy reporters track the deceased to an island where a mad doctor is hacking up zombie parts and gluing them back together in order to make mindless slaves, who would be perfect behind any Starbuck's counter. Nudity, cheap effects, and brain-chomping ensue!

• Night of the Bloody Apes (1968)--In this Mexican-made gore-fest, a grieving doc puts the heart of a gorilla into his dying son, and what does he get for his trouble? A kid that won't cut his hair, won't clean his room, and listens to crazy rock 'n' roll music all day. Oh, and he also likes to peel the skin off his victims like a banana.

• Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931)--My personal fave in a myriad of Jekyll and Hyde films, Fredric March won an Academy Award for his portrayal of the nice-guy-turned-hairy-jerk. But the real star is director Rouben Mamoulian's trippy, subversive cinematography, which accentuates the good doctor's increasing reliance on the formula that turns him into a real dickhole. Y