The Prince & Me

dir. Coolidge

Opens Fri April 2

Various Theaters

If you've ever wondered what goes through a 12-year-old girl's mind while she's jacking off, here is your opportunity to find out: The Prince & Me has one of the most endearingly logic-free plots in the history of cinema. It's a love story about the, uh, Crown Prince of Denmark and Paige, a farm girl and aspiring doctor from Wisconsin. Now if you want to accept the premise that a spoiled, playboy, race-car-driving young prince wants to blow off some steam by going to college in Wisconsin, that's your problem. What's everyone's problem is the fact that millions of little girls are being misled by watching the prince go through a lighting-fast transformation from intolerable twit to literally the perfect guy the second he lays eyes on our heroine. That's one dangerous load of dairyland horseshit--'cuz if there's one thing mama was right about, it's that you can't ever change a man. But therein lies the fantasy.

Many other fantasies are fulfilled by this (sexless) pre-teen porno. During the first half, we see the lovers interacting in the workplace, a super hot kissing scene in the school library, and bonding on Paige's family farm. (That way you get to see him dirty, doing manual labor, and what his ass looks like in jeans.) Then the film moves to Denmark, where they are whisked around to paparazzi-infested appearances and spend time lounging around the palace. Here we see the Prince spruced up as an authority figure (daddy?), and riding a steed.

Meanwhile, every girly-girl's wildest dreams are fulfilled by Paige; who, upon engagement to the prince, is fitted into Cinderella ball gowns and introduced to her future mother-in-law's "best friends": a gigantic walk-in safe stacked with jewels. The bottom line is that if you're feeling slightly vulnerable and can remember what it's like to be 12 years old, this isn't the worst time you could have at the theater. [I'm assuming here that any man stopped reading a long time ago].