THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28

8:00 CW SMALLVILLE

Season Premiere! Clark is sentenced to jail in another dimension, where the inmates think he has a "real purty mouth."

8:00 ABC UGLY BETTY

Debut! A plain Juanita becomes an executive assistant in a fancy honky fashion house.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 29

8:00 FOX CELEBRITY DUETS

Season Finale! Surprise, famous people can sing. Isn't that what we pay them to do?

8:00 SCI DOCTOR WHO

Season Premiere! Jerky aliens threaten to ruin Christmas for everyone (luckily, it's still three months away).

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 30

8:00 TOON FANTASTIC FOUR

When Skrull warriors move in next door to the Baxter Building, it's housewarming/clobberin' time!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 1

7:00 CW EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS

Season Premiere! It's the return of this sweet and funny sitcom... co-starring Whoopi Goldberg?? BOOOO!!!!

8:30 CW THE GAME

Debut! Just in case you're ever in a really tough trivia match, this show is a spin-off of Girlfriends. Which you've never heard of.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 2

9:00 ABC THE BACHELOR

Season Premiere! The bachelorettes are ecstatic to be in Rome with a handsome guy—until half of them are sent home for being too ugly. HAW!

9:00 E! HOUSE OF CARTERS

Debut! Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, his brother Aaron, and three sisters star in this super dysfunctional family reality show.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 3

8:00 NBC FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS

Debut! A small high school football team prepares for their first big game with some locker room ass grabbing.

9:00 CW VERONICA MARS

Season Premiere! Veronica and the gang head to college to solve "The Mystery of the Missing Keg Tap."

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4

9:00 ABC LOST

Season Premiere! Jack, Kate, and Sawyer are imprisoned—until they can figure out some way of making this show interesting again.

10:00 ABC THE NINE

Debut! The lives of nine people go all futzy after a botched bank robbery.