I THINK WE CAN all agree that the Judeo-Christian version of God is a real "p-in-the-a." But while He may be responsible for the occasional natural disaster, I'm more pissed about the stuff He doesn't do. For example, totally ignoring the pedophiles overrunning the Catholic Church. Or turning a blind eye to fundamentalist Christians spreading hatred and homophobia. Or allowing the continuation of Dancing with the Stars. (Seriously, it should've been cancelled two seasons ago.) Anyway, while our God may be bad, the ancient Greeks had it way worse. Not only did they have to worship enough gods to field a baseball team, their love was repaid with attacks from monsters and giant scorpions. Resolved: Greek Gods were... total... dicks.

That said, I suppose the newest incarnation of the camp classic Clash of the Titans is supposed to remind us of how good we've got it. So why do I feel so bored?

This version stars Sam Worthington—whom you may recall as being painted blue and having ponytail sex with pterodactyls in Avatar. Worthington plays Perseus, who has the daunting challenge of leading the humans' attack on a group of insecure, passive-aggressive gods led by his daddy Zeus (Liam Neeson). Little does Zeus know that his brother Hades (a watery-eyed Ralph Fiennes) is planning a coup that will not only overturn Mount Olympus, but also make Earth feel like a never-ending episode of Dancing with the Stars. To sum up: feelings are hurt, chaos ensues, and it all plays like a soap opera with giant scorpions. (But not as entertaining.)

The problem obviously lies with the film's unlikeable characters and the director/screenwriters' decision to insert ZERO fun into this production. While the first Clash of the Titans was a cheesy, overwrought delight, this outing is remarkably drab. Example: While preparing weapons for their attack, Perseus stumbles onto the mechanized owl Bubo (which provided comic relief in the first film). He blithely drops it when a fellow warrior tells him, "We won't be needing that." Actually, THEY DO NEED THAT. They need something to rescue this film from its overbearing tedium, and as a reminder to stop taking themselves so goddamn seriously.

So what's the moral here? God (our God) really wants to punish you. And obviously, Dancing with the Stars isn't enough.