STAR TREK BEYOND Beyond... what? Captain, are we going... BEYOND DARKNESS?
  • STAR TREK BEYOND "Beyond... what? Captain, are we going... BEYOND DARKNESS?"

Along with roughly 400 other previews, the trailers for Star Trek Beyond and Independence Day: Resurgence are slated to play with Star Wars: The Force Awakens when that movie opens on Thursday. (Here's where you should go see it.) But probably because studios know that starting Thursday the only thing geeks are going to be talking about is Star Wars, those two trailers debuted online this morning. LET US DISCUSS.

Let's begin with Star Trek Beyond, which looks awesome, mostly because it looks fun—the way J.J. Abrams' previous Star Trek movies have been, and the way everything else in the franchise hasn't been for approximately as long as any of us have been alive.

See? Fun, right? In large part because it looks like these movies' great supporting cast (like Karl Urban and co-writer Simon Pegg) will get more to do, and in large part because director Justin Lin can make the hell out of an entertaining ensemble, and also in large part because Beastie Boys. (As happy as I am to hear that song—as happy as I always will be to hear that song—it makes my head and my heart hurt to wonder how Paramount found a workaround to the fact Adam Yauch's will pretty explicitly "prohibits the use of Beastie Boys songs in advertisements.") I have little doubt that across the internet, cranky old nerds are caterwauling about how this trailer stresses action and comedy and character over self-serious majesty. I'd advise they remember what made the original series great, and also that they perhaps try to remember what it once felt like to smile.

Speaking of self-seriousness....

Wait. Can we talk about Star Trek and the Beastie Boys some more?

No? Okay. Fine. I was hoping I could put this off until everyone forgot about it, but I guess not. Let's get it over with.

Independence Day: Resurgence is a film that no one has ever wanted—literally no one! anyone who claims otherwise is Judd Hirsch!—but we're getting it anyway, and it's got a trailer, and you can be sure it takes itself waaaaay too seriously, especially considering that it's an unasked-for sequel to one of the dumbest movies of all time. And yes, I did see Independence Day a bunch in the theater; I also did a lot of other really stupid shit when I was 16, but you don't see me shouting "RESURGENCE" and doing them all over again.

Here, let me save you the trouble of watching it: There is no Will Smith. There is a Jeff Goldblum, but he looks like he hates himself for taking this gig. Or maybe that's just him hating Liam Hemsworth? Liam Hemsworth isn't only a poor-man's Will Smith; Liam Hemsworth is a poor-man's Hemsworth.

Some people are convinced Will Smith is actually in Resurgence and this trailer is just... hiding him? For some reason? Sure, maybe, I guess? I mean, trying to get people to watch a movie by saying "We have Liam Hemsworth instead of Will Smith" seems like the dumbest decision in history, but even if that decision was made, I guess it would only be the second-dumbest decision in history. The first would be saying "Hey, Roland Emmerich, take these hundreds of millions of dollars—which we could use to build children's hospitals, or support Syrian refugees, or perhaps help developing countries meet the ideals of the Paris climate deal—and use it to make Independence Day 2, a film that no one has ever wanted, probably not even Judd Hirsch."

I mean, c'mon. If we're going to get a sequel to a shitty Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin sci-fi movie from the '90s shoved down our throats, at least it could've been Stargate. Am I right? Right?

Wait where'd all you guys go