Ever wonder what the Commies are up to while the U.S.A. is busy wringing their hands over the Middle East? Planning a full-scale invasion, that’s what! Before you know it, our freedoms will be flushed down the toilet, and we’ll be standing in line for bread and buying our jeans off black-market hoodlums! And it only gets worse from there… Don’t believe it? Check out these examples of Ivan in our own backyard.
• Red Dawn (1984)–It’s a normal day in the American heartland… until Commie pinkos parachute in and take over a small town! And while the adults cower in subservience, Patrick Swayze steals a squirrel rifle and turns a high-school pack of toughs into a crack guerrilla fighting force. Best moments: ’80s heart-throb C. Thomas Howell chugging deer’s blood, and Harry Dean Stanton almost blowing the kids’ cover by wailing from inside the prison camp, “Avenge Me, Son!! AVEEEEENGE MEEEEEEEEEE!!”
• The Commies are Coming! The Commies are Coming! (1962)–Also known as Red Nightmare and Freedom and You, this campy gem is presented by the Department of Defense (Rah! Rah!) and narrated by Dragnet‘s star-with-the-stick-up-his-ass, Jack Webb. In this wagging finger of a film, a typical American father is shown taking his precious freedoms for granted. But when the Commies make the scene? From there it’s all bread lines and a big bowl of borscht, comrade!
• Invasion, U.S.A. (1952)—Though there’s a Chuck Norris flick by the same name (where Commies invade Florida in a futile attempt to take over our condos), check out the 1952 model. A weirdo fortune-teller/hypnotist gives a group of bar patrons the heebie-jeebies about pinko infiltration, and then… it actually happens! Ka-BOOM! Commies drop an A-bomb on Pacific Northwest airstrips! Ka-BOOM! The Soviets wipe out New York City! Ka-BOOM! Montana is decimated by a nuclear strike! (Huh???) Regardless, this cautionary tale explains why it’s so important to give the war machine 80 percent of our paychecks. Freedom can really be expensive! WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
