I didn’t watch Hollywood’s Prom last night, so I have no idea what happened! Did Wolf of Wall Street and Inside Llewyn Davis and Frances Ha and The Act of Killing win everything? If not, I don’t care! I’ll look up who won later. (I’m guessing Her got the token we-can’t-give-you-Best-Picture-because-you-don’t-appeal-to-mainstream-audiences-enough-so-here’s-Best-Original-Screenplay, and I’m guessing 12 Years a Slave won everything else. Am I right? Hey, maybe instead of watching a four-hour-long infomercial about it, people should have watched 12 Years a Slave.)

ANYWAY, none of that even matters because look! It’s the best thing that has happened to the internet so far today, AND it’s Wolf of Wall Street -related! That makes me want to hazard another guess, actually: Wolf of Wall Street didn’t win anything, because Americans don’t like comedies about how gullible and powerless they are? I know I’m right about that one.

Okay! Enough shit-talking! Time for Star Trek!

With honor and distinction, Erik Henriksen served as the executive editor of the Portland Mercury from 2004 to 2020. He can now be found at henriksenactual.com.

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