Swarming Hordes
Fri Nov 9
Blackbird

In approximately 1997, when the role-playing card game MAGIC came out it became ironic and cool to be a total D&D metal nerd. Lots of people wore their old Metallica T-shirts because it was hip and funny. But the fact is, most of those people were just too chickenshit to admit that they truly are total D&D metal nerds.

In 2001, the fad is dead, and we are left with A. the metal kids who were always diehards, for whom it was never ironic and B. the residuals: the people who threw up their hands and said, "Fuck it, it's not really ironic. I really am a complete dork." The Fucking Champs may have given themselves over to bad classic rock in their collaboration with the increasingly awful Trans Am, but we still have bands like C Average (category B) and Slayer (category A).

Though I've never seen them live, I think Seattle's Swarming Hordes would fit into category A. Their amazing instrumental speed metal is a combination of ominous composition, dueling riffs, and drums that sound unloosed by the fire of the Black Goat. Their songs, entitled "The Tyranny of Maxello Ocellus," "Remedy for Purulent Mass Already Infested with Worms," or "The Tournament at Pentacost Was at its Height" do not attempt to ensconce the band's affinity for the sharpness of swords in a shroud of irony. Nay, the Swarming Hordes are purely about virulent riffs that convey the soul's poison.

It should also be said that one of their guitarists plays a riff faster than any I have ever heard; his technical ability is truly astonishing. When he plays it live, I imagine his hand will start to disappear in an optical illusion of speed, much like Michael J. Fox's does in the movie Back to the Future. I believe his hand will oscillate so quickly as he pegs the notes, his body will transcend the boundaries of time, the air around him will begin to dissipate, and his guitar will disappear in an oasis of heat.