Ryan Adams vs. the Planet Jupiter

Though alt-country heartbreaker Ryan Adams is best known for writing sprawling Americana epics—most recently on his 16th solo record, Prisoner, a breakup album chronicling his divorce from Mandy Moore—it’s time to address the fact that two years ago, without warning, he logged onto Twitter to unleash fear and loathing on the planet Jupiter.

On April 14, 2015, Adams fired the first shot: “Jupiter is terrifying,” he tweeted at 4:53 pm. “What the fuck is it. I lost sleep thinking about it last night & I’m officially OVER that planet. #JustSayNoToJupiter.” This hashtag campaign was wildly unsuccessful. Adams remained a solitary fighter in his war against the largest planet in our solar system. It’s worth noting that Jupiter is basically Earth’s big brother: Sometimes it protects us from giant flaming comets, and sometimes it hurls them straight at us.

Adams returned to the beef he’d left marinating for 10 months on the 23rd of February in the unholy year of 2016. “Jupiter is fucking terrifying,” he tweeted at 10:36 pm—bedtime. “Like that’s [sic] for like deflecting comets or whatever but you’re terrifying as fucking fuck. Thanks.” Barely intelligible, tossing and turning through sleepless nights, Jupiter’s gargantuan specter clearly haunted Adams when he was at his most vulnerable. He is Earth’s faithful guard dog, barking endlessly into the darkness.

The following afternoon, he quote-tweeted an Entertainment Weekly article about Lorde’s tribute to the late David Bowie at the 2016 BRIT Awards. “Did not discuss Jupiter being gross,” he wrote, perhaps hoping Lorde could help stoke anti-Jupiter sentiments within her own fanbase. Adams’ third attempt to muster support for his platform was, again, wildly unsuccessful.

It’s been over a year since he last mentioned his disdain for Jupiter. Does this silence represent his white flag? Has the Gas Giant finally won? Was “Jupiter” Adams’ nickname for his ex-wife Mandy Moore? (Example: “What the fuck is Mandy Moore. I lost sleep thinking about Mandy Moore last night & I’m officially OVER that woman. #JustSayNoToMandyMoore.”) Or is the planet merely a scapegoat, the physical manifestation of some immortal bigness that makes the Earth-bound Adams feel insignificant? We’ll likely never know; perhaps Adams doesn’t even know.