ON TUESDAY, MAY 10, Long Island, New York’s most ridiculous progressive metal band, Dream Theater, brings its latest work to Portland’s Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall. The Astonishing is a two-hour-and-10-minute concept album (or rock opera, or whatever the fuck) that tells the story of a dystopian future—and redemption through the power of music. Pilfering unabashedly from works like Rush’s 2112, Kevin Bacon’s Footloose, Pink Floyd’s The Wall, Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, God’s the Bible, and Disney movies of recent vintage, it’s basically one long power ballad stitched together by some blippy-bloop science-fiction noises, quadruple kick drums, and sterile musicianship. It is, indeed, astonishing.
Four Mercury music writers of varied musical backgrounds and tastes convened to listen to all 130 minutes of The Astonishing together; they have provided us with the running commentary excerpted below, to run alongside Dream Theater’s own preposterous libretto. (Plot synopses are excerpted from the album’s hilariously thorough Wikipedia page.)
“Descent of the NOMACs”/”Dystopian Overture”: “In 2285, the northeastern region of the United States has turned into a dystopia ruled by the oppressive Great Northern Empire of the Americas. The only resemblance to entertainment that exists is the electronic noise of the Noise Machines (NOMACs). The empire is ruled by Emperor Nafaryus, Empress Arabelle, Crown Prince Daryus, and Princess Faythe.”
CIARA: Does NOMAC mean they are pro-Windows?
NED: This sounds like the haunted castle level of a video game.
MORGAN: Welcome to the machine.
NED: This plot sounds like King‘s Quest IV. The bad guy’s name is “Nafaryus”!
MORGAN: You can really hear those four kick drums.
NED: Imagine being the 52-year-old dude who bought this album at Best Buy on the day it came out. Right now this is the best drive home ever.