HONK HONK! Haha! Hey, everybody! Itâs your pal Pickles the Clown! We used to have such fun together! Nobody else made you giggle quite so hard as PicklesâPickles has all the best jokes! (Got yer nose! Haha!) Pickles makes the best balloon animals! (SQUEAK SQUEAK! Teehee!) Pickles dances real silly (whoopsie!) and gets real confused (whatâs my name again? Oh, right! PICKLES!) and... and....
Oh, who am I fooling? I canât keep up this façade. Youâve seen the news lately. Youâve read those cruel, fear-mongering headlines. It seems like clownsâclowns like your pal Picklesâare no longer wanted. Itâs a hard time to be a clown.
And lonely, too. Wiggles hasnât texted me back in weeksâlast I heard, he moved back in with his parents. BoomBoom didnât even show up when we made plans to see The Accountant. And Smiley? Rumor is, Smiley quit the clown game. I pray itâs not true. Smiley was one of the goofiest clowns of our generation.
Perhaps this will pass. Perhaps someone will ask Pickles to make one of his world-famous wiener dog balloons. Perhaps Pickles will get hired to do another birthday party. Perhaps strangers will stop glaring at Pickles. Perhaps Pickles can clown again.
Perhaps.
But if thereâs one thing Pickles knows (besides how to throw a pie! Teehee!), itâs that for every laugh, there is a tear. Even for clowns, this thing we call âlifeâ has its ups and downs. I suppose thereâs nothing for Pickles to do but wait for this unfortunate trend to run its course. In the meantime, Iâll slowly tear the skin off this screaming toddler I caught the other day. Iâll watch as his warm, thick blood splashes into my black-crystal goblet. After daubing at it with a gloved hand, I shall paint a crimson pentagram upon the oily, skull-strewn dirt of my subterranean lair. Whatever sweet blood remains shall run in twisting rivulets down my corrupt and wizened throat; pure and sweet, this life force shall eternally feed my vicious, hateful soul. Pickles shall never die, andâ
Whoa-whoa-whooOOOOaaaaa! (Plop.) I just slipped on a banana peel! Yuk-yuk-yuk!