MONDAY, JANUARY 16
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where we begin with our favorite type of gossip: a feud! The feud in question? Well, thatâd be between Sherlock BFFs Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freemanâwho, as Brit tabloid The Sun notes, are, in fact, âNot Holmies.â (GROAN.) âPals say the pair are âhardly close,â while filming the BBC detective drama and spend their time apart in between shoots,â The Sun gabs, with a source squealing, âBenedict and Martin arenât mates and they donât spend time together away from the show.â And why does this matter to you? Because you might not get any more Sherlock because of it, thatâs whyâthe seriesâ future depends on the actors wanting to return, despite their âfrostyâ off-screen relationship, which is, you know, code for âhating each otherâs guts.â BUT THEREâS MORE... Itâs not just poor, adorable Martin Freeman whoâs getting the cold shoulder from Cumberbatchâso are all of the Avengers! Due to âscheduling conflicts,â Cumberbatch is reportedly sending his stand-inâBroadway actor Aaron Lazarâto film all of the Doctor Strange scenes in the next Avengers movie, and any shots requiring Cumberbatchâs face or voice will only be added later. Sorry, Robert Downey Jr., Chris Pratt, Mark Ruffalo, Scarlett Johansson, Paul Rudd, Chris Hemsworth, and whoever plays that dumb guy with the bow and arrow. Cumberbatch has more important things to do than actually âfilmâ your little âmovie.â (Snubbing Martin Freeman, mostly.)
TUESDAY, JANUARY 17
âDid Lindsay Lohan Convert to Islam?â So asks a headline at Page Six, with the gossip column noting that over the weekend, LiLoâs Instagram got a bit of a makeover. âThe wannabe philanthropistâs social media pageâwhich was once littered with lingerie-clad selfiesâis now a blank slate, except for her black- and-white profile photo and the phrase âAlaikum Salam,â which translates as âand peace unto you,ââ notes Page Six, adding that in 2015, Lohan was seen âcarrying a Qurâan while completing community service in Brooklyn,â and she celebrated New Yearâs Eve in the Middle East, âcozying up to a mystery man in Dubai.â WHEN ASKED FOR COMMENT... All of Earthâs 1.6 billion Muslims shook their heads sadly. âCanât somebody tell her about, we donât know, Scientology or something?â the 1.6 billion asked in unison. âOr... you know... anything else? Judaism? Buddhism? Those self-help seminars that weird guy with the ponytail does at the Radisson? Honestly, weâve been doing pretty good here without any Lohans.â
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18
Nothing happened today... except, you know, existential dread.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 19
Tonight, Louis CK came to Portlandâperforming the first of three sold-out nights at the Moda Center! Alas, there was something a bit... off about his shows, which saw the famously fearless and sharp-witted comedian make the strange decision to more or less ignore the fact that this week, Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, was sworn in as president. As mentioned previously in One Day, Louis CK is no stranger to politics, telling Conan OâBrien last November that he thinks Hillary Clinton is âgreat,â âreally talented,â and âsuper smart,â adding, âIf you vote for Hillary, youâre a grownup. If you vote for Trump, youâre a sucker. If you donât vote for anybody, youâre an asshole.â And yet: This weekend, even as Portlanders protested (and overzealous cops fired tear gas) mere blocks away from the Moda Center, Louis CKâs shows continued on as if nothing was wrongânever addressing the elephant in the room, and never feeling like anything more than an HBO comedy special from 2014. SO LISTEN UP, CELEBRITIES AND ARTISTS, AND YES, YOU, LOUIS CK... We know we spend a lot of time in One Day making fun of your smallest transgressions and stupidest slip-ups. But your workâand the platforms you haveâare more important than ever in 2017. If your work isnât going to reflect, address, or at least acknowledge the real world in times of legitimate crisisâespecially when your audiences might, oh, we donât know, get tear-gassed on their way homeâthen maybe itâs time to make room for those who arenât too chickenshit to speak up. Alternately, you can keep fiddling as Rome burns. Your call.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 20
And away we go! Welcome to the Hellmouth weâve been dreading since November 8: Inauguration Day. In a speech co-written by Steve Bannon (Trumpâs chief strategist who has strong ties to the white nationalist movement), Donald Trump gave an ugly, dark oratory, highlighting his intention to âfixâ our crime-ridden inner-cities (note that racist dog whistle!), and proclaiming, âThis American carnage stops right here and stops right now.â That was a weird thing to say, considering violent crime has been steadily dropping since 1991, but you know... FACTS. Feh! Overrated, we say! But the best part was looking at the sparse crowd, which paled in comparison to Obamaâs joyous inauguration, and... WAIT, THIS JUST IN: Trump now seems convinced his crowd was more like âa million, a million and a half people.â HAHAHAHA... no. Side by side photos comparing Obamaâs 2009 inauguration to today clearly show that Trumpâs shindig didnât even come close. While Obama pulled in 1.8 million people, Trumpâs crowd was closer to 250,000. (OUCH! EMBARRASSING! SAD.) But the embarrassment continues! Unwilling to face the truth that Trump is the most unpopular incoming president in recorded American history, his administration temporarily shut down the National Parks Twitter feed after they retweeted those side-by-side photos of inauguration crowds mentioned earlier. (Hey, if this is the type of âcarnageâ Trump is talking about, then sign us up!)
SATURDAY, JANUARY 21
Yesterday was terrible (not including Trumpâs insecure hissy-fit about crowds), but today? FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC. The worldwide Womenâs March drew huge numbers in various cities around America and the globe, with Washington, DC alone drawing half a millionâor roughly three times as many people as Trumpâs inauguration. (Insert sad trombone sound here.) The march was a joyous, peaceful festival celebrating people and ideasâfeminism, LGBTQ and immigration rights, Black Lives Matter, science, and the continuing greatness of America (despite all our so-called âcarnageâ). And it was beautiful. It was a much-needed and stark reminder that we are in charge of our destinies and country, not those who are temporarily holding down the presidency. As activist/actress America Ferrera said prior to the march, âThe president is not America. His cabinet is not America. Congress is not America. We are America, and we are here to stay.â MEANWHILE... More good news! While giving an interview on the street in Washington, DC, neo-Nazi Richard Spencer (who endorses âpeaceful ethnic cleansingââwhich makes him a fucking Nazi in our book), got punched in his stupid Nazi face. And... it... was... GLORIOUS. While the internet debated if it was âokay to punch a Naziâ (answer: You bet your ass it is), Spencer said that thanks to the attack, heâs now afraid to go out in public. RATS. Guess weâll just have to punch him in private then.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 22
Uh-oh! Poor Taylor Swift is getting dragged on Twitter again, this time in regards to the Womenâs March. âSo much love, pride, and respect for those who marched,â Swift posted. âIâm proud to be a woman today and every day.â That wouldâve been niceâhad she marched. But she didnât! And many more celebsâincluding Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, and Rihannaâdid. Thatâs called âopportunistic feminism,â girlfriends. Or as @mostlyemotional put it on Twitter, âPlease keep taylor swift fans in your thoughts as theyâre just now realizing sheâs been using feminism as a tool to sell albums.â Ouch! And hee-hee-hee. MEANWHILE... Trump was apparently so upset and embarrassed by the size of his tiny inauguration crowd that he sent new press secretary Sean Spicer out to scream bald-faced lies to a room full of reporters. âThis was the largest audience to ever witness an inaugurationâperiod,â Spicer lied. Naturally, there were many calls for Spicer to resign, because who can trust a lying White House press secretary? Kellyanne Conway, thatâs who! The senior aide to Trump appeared on NBCâs Meet the Press today to defend (and rename!) Spicerâs lies. âYouâre saying [Trumpâs assessment of crowd size is] a falsehood, and theyâre givingâSean Spicer, our press secretary, gave alternative facts to that.â Conway unbelievably said. âAlternative facts arenât facts,â host Chuck Todd responded. âThey are falsehoods.â Or to put a finer point on itâLIES. Naturally the internet EXPLODED in disbelief over Conwayâs choice of words, but the entire argument came to a close when none other than the Merriam-Webster Dictionary stopped by to provide the actual definition. âA fact is a piece of information presented as having objective reality,â the dictionary tweeted, before dropping the mic and walking away... LIKE A BOSS. Now, âobjective realityâ might not be very popular with the current administrationâbut even they canât deny the âobjective realityâ of being severely outnumbered by the rest of us.