My resolution is simple: self-care! Last year was so difficult, and I really need to take better care of myself. —Justine Waterson, Pearl District

Yes, by all means—take better care of yourself. After all, that’s the one thing privileged fuckwits like you are sooo bad at! I suppose self-care includes writing hate-filled op-eds for the Oregonian about how your Portland is being ruined by those frightful homeless people? Tell you what: Why don’t you do a little “self-care” for Portland by shutting your wine hole and moving to Lake Oswego, you caviar-slurping, moldy bag of putrid garbage?–Frank Cassano

It may sound trite, but I’m resolving to drop a few pounds. We could all be a bit healthier! —Harrison Jones, Southeast Portland

Are you calling me fat? Fuck YOU, you body-shaming, self-righteous imbecile! I’m not buying into your socially conditioned bullshit narrative that something’s “wrong” with my body—because it’s your small-minded perceptions that are the problem, shitface! I’ll have you know I look fucking magnificent, and if you can’t handle my sass ’n’ ass? I’m happy to help you lose a little weight... by kicking your teeth out of your goddamn MOUTH.–Frank Cassano

I want 2018 to be better, so I hereby resolve to be nicer to people.—Skylar Stevens, Northeast Portland

Oh, go fuck yourself in the face, you stupid, drooling... wait. Are you actually being sincere? Because if you are... hold on... I’m gonna check your Facebook. (Pause.) AH-HA! I FUCKING KNEW IT! You’re a dicknose web developer who lives in a condo on Division, bitches about traffic (even though you never get out of your prissy Prius), still won’t shut the fuck up about Bernie, and posts Instagram pictures of “delish” lunches at the Multnomah Athletic Club! YOU’RE A MOTHERFUCKING MONSTER, SKYLAR! But by all means, “be nicer to people,” shitbag. Because while you do that, my resolution is to DESTROY YOUR FUCKING LIFE. Happy New Year, fucko!–Frank Cassano