America’s going ga-ga over Fire and Fury, Michael Wolff’s literary soap opera about Trump’s first year as president, and everybody’s wondering one thing: who I’d cast in the inevitable film version. So here are my 100 percent on-the-nose suggestions, you’re welcome, and any Hollywood mogul who’d like to hire me as casting director should contact me at the Mercury.
Cate Blanchett as Donald Trump. Cate Blanchett is AH-MAY-ZING, has successfully played men on film, and is uniquely qualified to play the worst president ever elected. (Think I’m wrong? Don’t forget most of your opinions have been proven incorrect.)
Philip Seymour Hoffman as Steve Bannon. I realize Philip Seymour Hoffman is dead. However, even a dead Philip Seymour Hoffman can beat the pants off any current living actor in this role. Besides, can’t those Hollywood CG guys make a Philip Seymour Hoffman hologram like in the Star Wars movies? If not, Bannon could also be played by a moldy, hollowed-out pineapple.
Jared Leto as Kellyanne Conway. I hate Jared Leto, but love his commitment to his craft. Just like when he played the Joker and sent used condoms and dead animals to his castmates, I bet Leto would stick a mop on his head and go on CNN every day, telling ridiculous lies to Jake Tapper.
Steve Buscemi as Jared Kushner. As anyone with a half a brain knows, Jared Kushner is a despicable weasel. Therefore, anyone who doesn’t think Steve Buscemi would be fucking PERFECT as Kushner is a fucking idiot, and should go read something else.
Ivanka Trump as Ivanka Trump. Who could possibly be better at recreating the soul-chilling, dead-eyed gaze of Ivanka than Ivanka herself? Besides, once she gets out of prison for obstruction of justice she’ll need the money.
Justin Bieber as Reince Priebus, Mike Pence, Sean Spicer, and Melania Trump. “But... but...,” you haplessly sputter. “Justin Bieber doesn’t even ACT!” Correct. He doesn’t act. He LIVES. And just like these members of Trump’s administration, his soul is filled with spiders, rotten baby romaine, and the tears of your dead grandparents who are so very ashamed of you.