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Hello students and faculty!

Connor Chadbourne here, child ombudsman of Fillmore Elementary School. Welp, it’s been another busy year for ombudsmaning—because as usual, the students have plenty of complaints! Here are but two of the many cases I successfully resolved this past school year.


Principal Wilkins Accused of Tetherball Malfeasance

Background:
Frankie Malone (fifth grade) complained that Principal Wilkins keeps taking away tetherball privileges during recess “for no good reason.” However, Frankie did posit one possible explanation: “He’s a dick.”

Examination:
After independently verifying that the tetherball equipment was indeed missing, the ombudsman confronted Principal Wilkins, asking him why he took tetherball privileges away, and if he did so because “he’s a dick.”

Outcome:
Principal Wilkins responded that he was tired of calling the school nurse every time a student got his/her nose broken/bloodied during a tetherball game, and therefore has no intention of bringing back tetherball privileges. The principal then placed the ombudsman on playground trash detail for two weeks for calling him a dick. CASE RESOLVED.


Lunch Lady Has One Job to Do; Ruins It

Background:
For as long as any student can remember, there’s been one hard and fast lunchtime rule: Tacos are served on Tuesdays (Taco Tuesday), and fiash sticks on Fridays (Fish Stick Friday). However, when cafeteria manager Mrs. Penchitt switched the two days (making it Fish Stick Tuesday and Taco Friday), an overwhelming number of students were justifiably outraged and complained to the ombudsman.

Examination:
The ombudsman confronted Mrs. Penchitt, explaining that the capricious switching of tacos and fish sticks was causing mass confusion within the student body, as there was now no longer a mnemonic device that could be used to remember when, or even IF, tacos and fish sticks would be served.

Outcome:
Mrs. Penchitt sternly informed the ombudsman that both mnemomic devices and Fillmore Elementary students are stupid. She went on to say that students will eat “what I tell them, when I tell them,” and if students are displeased with this arrangement, they can either (A) “bring their own goddamn lunch,” or (B) “run home and suck their mama’s titty.” Mrs. Penchitt is rather salty. CASE RESOLVED.