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Dear Jake Lawson, Agent of ICE: Why on earth would you take a job stealing migrant children from their parents?—Janet Pierson, Southeast Portland

Short answer? I love working with kids! They’re super cute and so much fun, but I tell ya, these illegal kiddos really keep you on your toes. They whine and cry over the tiniest things—like when we’re taking them away from parents who can’t even support them. But what are you gonna do? Kids just don’t know what’s good for ’em. Anyway, the most enjoyable part is chasing these tykes around. They love running, and I love catching ’em—which (bonus points) helps keep my waistline trim. So all in all, it’s a mutually beneficial experience! Thanks for writing!

Dear Jake Lawson, Agent of ICE: First, you are a monster. Second, why would a decent person ever take a job with ICE?—Ted Sommers, Beaverton

Short answer? Sweeeet bennys, bro! ICE has the best benefits in the law enforcement game—and none of the stupid rules most cops have to follow. For example, my brother-in-law Ken is a state trooper, and whenever he confiscates a child, he’s gotta fill out reams of boring paperwork and make sure everybody knows where the kid is going! That’s nuts! How does he find time to be a cop? Me, I snatch kids, toss ’em in an ICE truck, and send ’em off to god knows where. Done and done! Oh, and our office also has an awesome snack machine. Good question!

Dear Jake Lawson, Agent of ICE: Why do you work for a racist organization whose methods are identical to the Nazis?—Tony Jeffries, Northeast Portland

Short answer? YOU PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO HURT MY FEELINGS! How dare you compare us to Nazis? We’re just following orders! And yes, fine... Nazis “just followed orders” too. But New Seasons checkers are ordered to bag groceries. Are they Nazis? My dental hygienist is ordered to scrape teeth. Is she a Nazi? I bet you follow orders all the time, Tony! Are you a Nazi? All I do is hunt down and imprison minorities so we can cleanse our pure and mighty nation of people who are different than we are! How in the world does that make me a Naz... ummm. Next question!