This week’s question: Should the Mercury have a conservative columnist?

If the Mercury truly cared about diversity, it would represent all viewpoints—not just those of its tumblrina SJW editors! Oh, I’m SORRY, snowflakes! Did I TRIGGER YOU??
—Bryce Dylan, Happy Valley

No, you zit-fucked piss stain, you didn’t “trigger” me—but you did inspire me to cruise the streets of Happy Valley, looking for asthmatic virgins in Batman T-shirts who spend their days posting on Reddit and their nights jerking it to Ivanka! As the stupidest imbecile to ever appear in Imbecile Parade, you’ve won my trusty brass knuckles—delivered straight to your slack-jawed mouth in a manner of my choosing. Congrats, dumbass!—Frank Cassano

Never! The #resistance thrives in our beloved Oregon and in the Mercury! Don’t forget to vote in the midterms!
—Madeline Pyle, Northwest Portland

Well done, Madeline! Your sanctimonious bleating has inspired all of Oregon to vote... in the exact OPPOSITE of the way you’d like, so they can cancel out your dumbshit grandstanding! Why don’t you take a break from composting and move back to wherever the fuck it was you gentrified from? Remind me—it was Shitforbrains, USA, right?—Frank Cassano

Wait. Aren’t YOU the Mercury’s conservative columnist?
—Kenneth R. Lang, St. Johns

Fuck off, Kenny! Anyone who attempts to label my nuanced ideologies can stick their dick in a blender—though I have no problem labeling you as a fuck-faced moron! (Oh, and for the record? I’m a rationalist libertarian who champions the societal benefits of just a dash of New Deal-inspired progressivism—which, Kenny, is another way of saying that I, like the vast majority of Americans, hate you.)—Frank Cassano

Photo credit: DM, Nick Daly, Sensor Spot / Getty Images