DANGERS
Trading Card Series
Collect them all!!!
#5 ANEURYSMS
WHAT ARE THEY? An “aneurysm” is a weak spot in a blood vessel that causes
it to swell like a balloon and burst. It is an evolutionary relic from the days
when humans, like horned toads, could defensively spurt blood from the corners
of their eyes. The holes have since sealed up, but for some unlucky souls their
circulatory system keeps right on trying to ward off danger, subsequently filling
their entire brainpan with viscous blood.
ANEURYSM PROS: In theory, if pinholes were deftly poked in the
eye corners, the resulting blood fountains might still unnerve attackers. Aneurysms
are also a good excuse to take a day off from work.
ANEURYSM CONS: Aneurysms probably mean a trip to the hospital, and are
often confused with a struggling metal band based in Denmark.
CONCLUSION: Aneurysms are one of the “Dangers of Our Modern World!”
#6 FALAFEL
WHAT ARE THEY? “Falafel” originally consisted of ground spiced chick
peas and fava beans shaped into balls and fried. By 1911, however, chick peas
had been harvested to extinction, and the falafel industry found a substitute
in Alexandrium tamarense, an algae species known to marine biologists as a primary
cause of “red tide.”Pulled from heavily toxic, fish-killing seas, an average
8-oz serving of falafel still contains enough neurotoxins to stop most primates
in their tracks.
FALAFEL PROS: Carried between the legs, falafel is a natural cooling
agent and salve that reduces the swelling of encephalitis. It was also valuable
to the Cherokee Indians as a potent laxative and sexual lubricant.
FALAFEL CONS: One out of every four falafel is fatally poisonous. Symptoms
(in order of appearance) include alcoholism, gills, inflamed goiter, lazy eye,
inappropriate enthusiasm, the inability to spell “aneurysm,” and finally death.
CONCLUSION: Falafel is one of the “Dangers of Our Modern World!”